“My friends don’t want to be around my husband anymore…”
My husband (38M) and I (32F) have been together 9 years, married for 5. Recently my MIL was in town, so I reached out to my best friend (36F) to make plans. I suggested a game night at my house since I love games and trivia and thought it would be fun with a group. She said she was down to hang out, but it would just be her — not her husband, and she wouldn’t invite any of her friends.
When I asked why, she was honest. She said her friends and husband don’t feel comfortable around my husband. At her Friendsgiving, my husband apparently talked badly about her friends to her husband, and after we left, several people commented on how uncomfortable he made them and that they felt bad for me.
One thing she mentioned really stuck with me. At the party, I was basically asking my husband to play a game with me. He refused, which wasn’t surprising to me because he never plays games with me and thinks they’re immature. But she said the way it came across to others felt awkward, like he couldn’t do one small thing to make me happy, and people were watching and uncomfortable.
This was hard to hear because my husband is usually social and has a lot of friends. When we’re around people who aren’t his friends, he usually keeps to himself, so I didn’t realize how it looked. My friend also said this isn’t a one-time thing and that she’s noticed him talking over me or shutting me down over the years but didn’t want to interfere.
At home, if I disagree with him, things can shut down fast and it often feels like his way or the highway. We’ve been in couples counseling on and off, and we’re back in it now. I’m also in individual therapy.
I love my husband and it hurts that people in my life don’t want to be around him. I don’t know how to bring this up without him getting defensive or asking me not to see my friend anymore.
My husband (38M) and I (32F) have been together 9 years, married for 5. A close friend recently told me that her friends and husband feel uncomfortable around my husband due to how he talks about others and how he treats me in group settings. At a recent party, he refused to play a game with me (something he always does)…
…and it came across awkward and hurtful to others. I didn’t realize this was noticeable from the outside. We’re in couples counseling and I’m in individual therapy, but I’m unsure how to bring this up without him getting defensive or impacting my friendships.
Later, OP edited the post to include:
I want to clarify that I do try to provide more detailed context when posting. I am in individual counseling, and when I brought this situation up in session today (without showing the post), my therapist independently agreed with many of the points raised here. We also discussed boundaries I plan to communicate in upcoming couples counseling.
I still struggle with doubting my own judgment, even with outside validation, but I truly appreciate the support. I’ll respond to some specific questions in the comments later tonight. Hoping this edit keeps the post available.
Also since its been locked and I can’t comment back, the game night I planned at my house would’ve been without him (he has other plans), I specifically made sure of that and took the opportunity since he would be doing his own thing.
Either way, she didn’t feel comfortable inviting her friends or her husband in the event he decided to stay home or his plans cancelled. My MIL is great and super go with the flow, also our house has a lot of space where she could stay in her own section if she wanted to.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
notbonusmom said:
OP I’ma tell you what my therapist told me. If one person you’re close with doesn’t like your partner or spouse, they might just be a hater. That’s fine, some ppl just don’t get along. But if 3 or more close people in your life don’t like who you’re in a relationship with & are telling you why, you should listen. That’s the only advice I have.
Ell-O-Elling said:
You gotta rip those rose colored glasses off. Everyone around you thinks your husband is garbage. Considering these are your friends with your best interest at heart then you’d do well to listen.
OtherwiseScene6764 said:
Oof this is rough OP. Your friend did you a solid by being honest even though it was probably hard to say. The fact that multiple people noticed and felt uncomfortable says a lot.The game thing especially hits hard – like it’s such a small ask to make your partner happy in front of friends.
And if he’s shutting you down at home too… that’s a pattern your therapist probably needs to hear about. Maybe bring it up in couples therapy instead of at home? Having a neutral space might help him actually listen instead of getting defensive right away
allyearswift said:
Can I just admire, for a moment, how wholesome your friends are? They’re having friendsgiving with games, shut down gossip and give you a respectful heads-up about a toxic pattern they notice while still supporting you. They sound awesome.
Your husband does not. I’m sure he has (had?) his good sides, but they aren’t coming out. He refuses to do a fun thing that would make you happy (he isn’t just oblivious, you specifically asked), he talks badly about people who are uncomfortable with that kind of gossip…
…he’s talking over you and shutting you down, and you feel he’ll ask you to stop seeing the people that he alienated with his behavior. He makes people uncomfortable.
And he makes YOU uncomfortable, because you don’t know how to bring this up with him without triggering a negative reaction, which tells me you’re speaking from experience. Only you can tell how long you want to live like this.
ShimmeringNothing said:
Sounds like your friend was right about him. It’s not just how it comes across or how it looks, it’s how it actually is.
