“SO [28M] of 9 years called off our wedding, implying we were over. Is this something I [26F] could make work for us?”
So we’ve been together for almost 9 years now. When we first started dating we had a rough patch due to both of us not being ready for a relationship after just coming out of abusive ones (mine physical, his emotional). We broke up for a year and ended up (accidentally) rekindling after he caught his father cheating on his mother and didn’t know who else to go to for advice.
So about 6 years ago, we got back together and have been great since. During the next 2ish years I was finishing off college and starting a career while I figured out my next move (furthering my current career or going back for post-grad). We were happy where we were and mutually didn’t feel a rush towards marriage until we were more set in life, but neither of us had doubts this was a long-haul thing for us.
Fast forward to September, we got engaged. He’s joining the Navy and didn’t want to leave me high and dry. I wanted to follow him because I still wasn’t sure on post-grad and my current job will get me hired anywhere. We realized we were holding off on marriage for a “perfect time” that would never come. We loved each other and wanted to make that commitment.
Originally we planned an elopement of sorts. Just immediate close family coming with us on a cruise and a casual party for the rest of our friends and family after we got back. It was honestly perfect for us and everyone knew that/agreed. Somehow it turned into a 100+ attendee formal wedding neither of us truly wanted (didn’t hate it) but thought the other did want it.
It was in April and left very little time for us to plan a formal wedding. This is something that I almost called off the wedding for in order to elope because it was just too much and wasn’t what we envisioned. Neither of us liked parties or big to-dos.
It was a lot of money and stress and probably would have been different if that wedding was our plan A, not an accident. To top it off I’ve been having issues at work (non-job-threatening, just a lot of stress) and he totaled my car after being t-boned (not his fault). So finances, lack of car, and stress took its toll.
Things haven’t been great for us the last few weeks and just kept spiraling downwards. It came to a head and he voiced concerns about marriage stemming from how we’ve been the last few weeks, I told him I wasn’t sure if we could survive cancelling the wedding.
They were issues that without the stress of everything else, we could have worked on easily, but with everything going on it seemed insurmountable. A day or two later after giving him time to think, he said it’s been if it’s all called off. It was implied it meant us too because we didn’t think a relationship could bounce back from a cancelled wedding in that way.
Anyways, now we’re considering trying to make it work, but he’s afraid I will resent him for the cancelled wedding and that it will cause further problems. I know it’s a valid concern because I was sobbing when he cancelled it, 0% because of the party but because of being in the general situation.
Now though, I truly feel that I’m relieved it’s cancelled, though I’m only stressed at how to confront family since save the dates were sent and our wedding shower was cancelled the day before the party.
The wedding was nothing that we wanted and I feel that it made issues 20x worse due to the stress from planning a wedding, spending money on a wedding that neither of us were truly excited about, the totaled car and finances for that, plus stress from work, plus stress of him leaving in a few months.
Most people know that it was cancelled due to issues in our relationship. My parents are very supportive in us making it work (surprisingly) without a wedding. My sister is super judgmental and somewhat hypocritical about the way I handle issues in my life, so she’s all about “F him, move on”. His family loves me and would support whatever our decision is. I know it comes down to us, but family is important to both of us.
TL;DR: Wedding neither of us were excited for (we wanted to elope) was cancelled by SO due to stress/issues over a few weeks and it was implied we were done because we didn’t think couples could normally bounce back from that.
We both want to make it work but he’s afraid I’ll always resent him for being the one to make the decision. I feel I am relieved the wedding was cancelled since we almost called it off to elope, but continued due to sinking enough money into it anyways.
This is what people had to say to OP:
[deleted] said:
This sounded like a dream relationship until this bit: “but thought the other did want it”
So there WAS a hidden but severe communication failure there. But of course you can bounce back, if you don’t cancel getting married on the day you planned to get married, you just cancel the big expensive wedding itself. You both got sucked into a wedding neither wanted, but found out in time. This is good. And tell your sister to go F herself
TLDR Elope, you’ll be fine.
asimplescribe said:
Go to a therapist if you two really want to try. For some reason you two take guesses at what the other wants instead of talking. That is destined to fail.
What really matters is the love between you and how you feel from your inner heart. Wedding is just a form, not that important. So forget about the wedding thing and just go with your heart.
Six days later, OP shared this update:
Tl;dr he called off the (big) wedding because we were both stressed and originally wanted to elope. Can we work through it?
No, we couldn’t because he cheated. I found out this morning through anonymous Facebook message that he wasn’t loyal and there was more to the breakup than I knew. I called him twice with no response. So I sent him a text about the message. Still no response. So I decide to check his phone records.
Lo and behold, a mysterious number popped up like the day things started to go downhill for us. He’d call the number on nights I was working and text it throughout the day.
Soon after I saw that I checked Find My iPhone (he got his first iPhone and I helped him set it up like 2 weeks ago). His GPS showed at a random house near downtown that I know none of his friends lived at. Soon after that he called me. He denied it all and was trying to be all supportive.
The moment I said I had proof he was hiding things from his phone records, his entire demeanor changed. He specifically stated “I didn’t sleep with anyone.” Which was odd since I never brought up cheating.
As he was talking I checked find my iPhone again and from the distance, it looked like he left wherever he was and called as soon as he was in the car. I asked where he was and he said driving. I asked from where and he got very defensive saying it wasn’t my business since we weren’t together. I reiterated I knew he was hiding things from me (I still never brought up accusations of cheating yet).
He called me creepy and stalkerish. I asked who the specific phone number belonged to and he refused to answer saying I was crazy. So I said I deserve to know and he said a friend from work (for the next few minutes he refused to assign it gender pronouns).
A little bit later I pushed it it was a woman and he admitted it. So I asked who it was and said if it were the few women I know, then I get maybe he was venting to them. He refused to answer.
So yeah. We can’t work it out.
Also prior to this he was already acting like a hot and cold jerk for the week after he left me on the day of my bridal shower. Either acting like he didn’t care one bit about me or that he wanted me back because his life was falling apart. Needless to say, I became more relieved that the relationship was over and was more mourning the fact I was in the position I was in (cancelling a wedding after a failed engagement).
I realized he was very selfish and I took on every responsibility in wedding planning and our relationship while he had nothing to do but work and come home to play video games. For the record, I like video games but only when I have the time. Basically this was the icing on the shit cake and any bit I had left hanging onto the relationship went right out the window.
I honestly feel relieved. I don’t feel sad. I feel… free. And happy. I’m not sad being in the apartment we shared anymore. My sister had helped me two nights ago set up a new bed that help change the entire look of the bedroom.
Also Monday I’m going to a theme park with a coworker. While I’m not exactly trying to jump right into anything, he’s a great guy and we have the same interests. It’s just nice to have attention from someone I get along with.
Tl;dr ex-fiancé cheated. I moved on.
