“WIBTA if I stop going to my boyfriend’s friend hangouts because his ex keeps ‘checking in’ on him?”
I’m 29F, my boyfriend is 31M. We’ve been together a little over a year. He has a tight friend group from college that still does weekly stuff: trivia nights, hiking, random movie marathons, that kind of thing. I’m not a “you can’t have female friends” person, and I’ve never asked him to cut anyone off. The issue is one specific person, Kara (30F). Kara is his ex, they dated for about 2 years in their mid 20s.
They broke up years ago, and he swears it was mutual and drama free. She’s still fully in the group, which I can understand, because they’re all connected. When I first met everyone, she was friendly in that slightly too polished way. Like, always smiling but kind of watching my face to see if I react. I told myself I was projecting.
Over the past few months it’s started to feel more pointed. She “checks in” on him constantly in group settings. If he looks tired, she asks if he’s sleeping ok, like she’s his nurse. If he mentions a rough week, she immediately goes, “Are you taking care of yourself though? You can always talk to me.”
One time I made a joke about him forgetting to eat lunch, and she said, “He did that when we were together too,” and then looked right at me and went, “You’ll learn.” I laughed it off but it felt gross. She also keeps sending him private messages after hangouts, like “You seemed off tonight, just making sure you’re ok.”
He showed me one because he thought it was kinda weird, and she literally wrote “I know I’m not your girlfriend anymore but I still worry.” He replied with a polite “all good, thanks.” I asked if he could maybe set a boundary like “please don’t do that,” and he said it would make things awkward and she’s just anxious and “overly caring.”
The turning point was last weekend. We were at trivia and he got up to take a call from his sister. His sister is going through a messy divorce and he’s been stressed about it. When he came back, I asked quietly if everything was ok. Before he could answer, Kara leaned across the table and said, “If you need to step out, do it, don’t be a hero. Remember what happened last time you tried to hold it all in.”
I had no idea what she meant, and my boyfriend got really stiff and said “not now.” Later in the car I asked what “last time” was. He admitted that after their breakup he had a short depression spiral and Kara was “around a lot.” I’m not mad he had a hard time, I’m mad she used it like a little secret weapon to remind him she knows him better.
Now I don’t want to go to these hangouts anymore. I’m not asking him to stop seeing his friends, but I want to step back and I also want him to stop entertaining these weird caretaking texts.
He thinks I’m overreacting and says Kara would never “do anything,” she’s just socially clumsy and I’m reading it as a threat. WIBTA if I stop going and tell him I’m not comfortable being around her until he actually sets a boundary?
This is what people had to say to OP:
BeaUtiFull_DisAstEr said:
She still has feelings for him and seems like she’s trying to make you uncomfortable, sit down have a serious conversation with him and ask if he would like it if it was the other way around.
culdron said:
NTA but it might end up causing a lot of distance between you over time. He’s going to continue to go, she is gonna get way flirty cause she “won” and he isn’t going to set the boundaries he should.
FoxyOcelot said:
You shouldn’t stop going because of her but there’s always room for “You’re so sweet, Kara. Are you seeing anyone these days? / How’s the dating going? / How’s your boyfriend?”
No-Ambition-3386 said:
Your bf should be setting boundaries.
D3athC0mesT0A11 said:
I wouldn’t stay with someone who’s happy to let me compete with yesterday’s news. “He thinks I’m overreacting” He’s the problem. He’s allowing this to happen. Heck, he’s probably enjoying the attention.
You can’t get more blatant than “If you need to step out, do it, don’t be a hero. Remember what happened last time you tried to hold it all in.” He’s not blind. He just doesn’t care enough about you.
When someone shows you how little your feelings matter to them, believe them.
21stCenturyJanes said:
He needs to wake up. She’s not socially awkward, she’s making a power move. Shes jealous seeing him with you and wants to put you in your place. It doesn’t necessarily mean she wants him but he needs to shut it down. I don’t think you staying away is the answer.
And DeathGirling said:
She’s not “checking in,” she’s testing the waters. And your boyfriend is not shutting it down. NTA but honestly I think you’re asking the wrong question.
