“AITA for telling my wife my MIL can’t move in?”
We bought a house a year ago. The house has a spacious basement that we were planning on turning into a living area for my MIL. That project probably won’t happen for a few years due to the cost. My MIL lives in a section 8 type of building for older people. It is in a nice location so we are in no real rush to renovate the basement.
My MIL has been staying with us two weeks at a time every month for the past year and the building manager recently told her that she is not allowed to live there part-time. My wife and i can see why the manager thinks she only lives there part time.
She hinted at wanting to move into the kids play room until we fix the basement I immediately said no because A. that is the kids play room and would make things tight in our house and B. I do not want to live with her. The main reason the basement idea worked was because it has its own entrance and is basically an independent apartment. I get along with my MIL but I cannot live with her.
She smokes, is messy, and is in the way (i know its a terrible thing to say). There are times the kids want to go in their play room but can’t because she is in there with the door closed (sometimes all day). Usually by the end of her two-week stay I am ready for her to go so I can only imagine what living with her would be like.
On the weeks she is not here it feels great because we feel like we can do whatever we want. I don’t want to say she is terrible because she does help out around the house. We live in a HCL area and pay a ton of money for the house so i would at least like to be comfortable.
Obviously, it would be a different story if she had nowhere to go or unable to afford her rent but she is in a nice apartment and is comfortably paying her rent. She also only lives 15-20 mins away. My wife feels bad because her mom is alone but I honestly feel like our marriage would suffer if she were to move in. AITA?
EDIT: My MIL does not smoke inside the house, we clearly told her we do not want smoke inside the home the first time she came over. She smokes in the backyard or the front.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
throwaway2117000 wrote:
NTA. It sounds like your MIL is already hurting your marriage. If she lives 15min away why is she staying for two weeks a time every month. Have your wife visit at MIL’s house. Also, the smoking- it’s your house. If you don’t want your house reeking of smoke plus that is SO unhealthy for your children to be around it.
Even second and third hand is terrible. I would stop allowing her to stay over just for that. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife that these visits need to be more spaced out or stop all together. And absolutely NTA for not wanting her to take over your house.
OP responded:
She does not smoke in the house. This was a non-starter and both my wife and I told her we have 0 tolerance for this. My MIL completely understood.
Royal_Jump7597 wrote:
NTA. She isn’t in need of moving in now, like you said. She’s safe and comfortable. She’s just lonely, which does suck, but your wife and kids (and you, if you want) can always go visit. But asking to give up a room you guys use regularly is not great.
Also, it’s a totally realistic thing to be worried about your marriage suffering. I’ve seen it happen to my family and to my friends. Maybe you can give a timeline for the basement so she knows when that will be and not just “sometime in the future.”
thechaoticstorm wrote:
NTA. Your MIL seems like she is doing just fine on her own and does not need to live with someone else at this time. I personally could not live with a smoker full time as the smell gives me an instant headache. If she’s staying in the room with the door closed all day long, she might as well be doing that at home.
Kids don’t necessarily need a play room – toys can be kept in their bedrooms – but right now it sounds like you don’t not have the space to accommodate her moving in with you. It is generous to offer to renovate the basement into a MIL suite for her, but you’re not yet at that point financially.
Jerseygirl2468 wrote:
NTA. It’s important she doesn’t lose that apartment. Your wife needs to tell her she needs to stay there way more. Maybe 1 weekend a month at your house, until the basement is remodeled. I’d also insist on no smoking in your house, including her basement apartment when that’s ready.
espressothenwine wrote:
NTA, but I think you made a mistake by agreeing to the basement situation. I don’t know why you agreed to make a suite for her in the basement if you don’t want to live with her. She isn’t going to stay in the basement alone, she is going to be in your house spending time with all of you even if she has her own suite.
She isn’t going to have a whole separate life if she doesn’t have one now – your family will be her life. That’s the whole point of moving in with you, so she will have company. What are you going to do when she ends up hanging around more than you want her to? I think you are headed for trouble.
