“AITA for refusing to let my cheating ex wife spend her birthday with me and our kids?”
I (40’sM) was married to Martha (40’sF) for over 16 years. We had two kids together in that time who are now teenagers. Our marriage ended after I learned of Martha’s three year emotional affair with a man she was talking to online. This was not the only reason our marriage ended but it explained the problems we’d been having.
Martha and this man never met each other in person and that was mentioned in the hopes I would try to work things out. Yes they said a lot of things and she had developed strong feelings for him but they never met face to face. That was what I heard a lot of. Even without meeting or anything physical it was way too much. She still cheated and treated me awfully.
I couldn’t do anything right. She complained I wasn’t working hard enough to provide for us and if I passed up on overtime she’d give me hell for it. But she’d also complain I was working too many hours. Then she complained when I wanted to go out for date nights and accused me of taking away from time we could spend as a family with our kids or wasting money. Yet she complained when we didn’t do something together. Our anniversaries were the worst. For the last two of our marriage she got mad at me for getting her gifts she loved and wanted. She’d say I was trying to show her up or make her feel guilty for not being as good of a wife as I was a husband. Whenever I spent time with our kids she accused me of trying to poison them against her or win them to my side. At the time I had no idea what she was talking about and I told her. She said kids always have a favorite parent and I was trying to cement myself as theirs.
But maybe I was cruel and it’s not justified.
AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She could have very easily planned a birthday day for herself and the kids when it was her time to have them. You do not have to agree to everything she asked. Still your life to control. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I were you.
Boring_Past_477 (OP)
That would’ve made a lot of sense but I suspect she wanted me involved which is why she didn’t do that. Or she was hoping the kids would plan something for her.
NTA in any form. She broke the bond of trust with you & your children, maybe it can be restored one day, maybe never. One thing is for sure, you owe her nothing, please stop letting her manipulate you & the kids. She created this void in her life and must learn to live without attention from you, that ship has sailed. Best of luck to you, go create a life that makes you happy.
NTA. She’s not just your cheating ex, she’s your abusive ex. And she complained about every single thing no matter what you did because she needed you to be the villain in her story, to justify her cheating and all the other BS.
She was the one unleashing cruelty on you for years. Your decision is justified. If your teens didn’t want to see her, you did the right thing. Can’t you just block her sister at this point? Her Flying Monkey.
Boring_Past_477 (OP)
I have her sister blocked but we live in a small enough town that I will see her out in the world especially when I run errands. So avoiding her entirely isn’t likely.
NTA. Martha made her bed (even if she never got around to laying in it with her ‘soul mate’), and now she’s alone. Actions have consequences, which apparently she and her sister aren’t smart enough to realize. If your kids are teenagers, they’re old enough to decide if they want to be with their mom. If they don’t, too bad for her.
