“AITA for declining the invitation to my mother’s wedding because of comments made by a 5-year-old?”
As a disclaimer, there are quite a few factors that have resulted in me withdrawing from the wedding. I can’t include them all in the post, but my decision has resulted in tension within my family and I am being made to feel as if I am wrong for my choice. This is a “straw that broke the camel’s back” sort of thing.
I (F28) am the eldest of 3. I have a younger sister (27) and a younger brother (24). We also have a half-brother (5). For background, the 3 of us have never gotten along with our soon-to-be Step Father (“Milton”). If anything, it became a mutual agreement that we would not have anything to do with one another.
After they had gotten engaged, my brother and sister made it known that they would not be attending the wedding under any circumstances. Our Mother tried to be diplomatic by saying none of us had to be part of the wedding party if we didn’t want to be, but Milton chimed in that the only one that should be part of it is their son.
So my siblings maintained their stance and couldn’t understand why I was willing to go. In all fairness, I can see it from both sides. Milton and our Mother only ever concerned themselves with each other and their son, they weren’t the best growing up, and it sounded as if they were more concerned about how people would perceive the 3 of us not attending.
However, our Mother seemed genuinely hurt that we were not being supportive of this milestone for her. I guess that’s why I agreed to go. In the past, I have had issues with my half-brother’s “exclusive” behaviour.
To clarify: I don’t expect a lot given that he is 5, but the way he talks to and about us is concerning. It almost feels like someone is telling him these things and he is repeating them. Recently, our Mother had to explain to him that I am also her daughter, but he then said “No. She is one of your ‘original’ kids. I am your only child”.
Last week he told me that I shouldn’t be going to the wedding because I’m “Not part of the family” and “Daddy doesn’t like her”. He said this in front of my Mother and she laughed about it but didn’t correct what he had said.
I did tell her (privately) that I felt she should have addressed what he said at the time, rather than laugh. She said I am overreacting to a child’s comments. I got my invitation yesterday.
Something about accepting it didn’t feel right with me. I’ve declined and will likely send a direct message to explain why if she asks. She’ll paint it as me retaliating to “kids being kids”, but to me it’s the icing on a poisonous cake.
I’ve already told my Grandmother I won’t be attending. My Grandmother told my Great-Aunt. They both called me earlier to say that I was the only reasonable one out of my siblings. Now that I am not going, I am being dramatic and causing unnecessary problems.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
No_Preparation_8975
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but Milton doesn’t like you and your mother knows it. She hears him when he says cruel things about you and your siblings to your half-brother, and she doesn’t step in because she doesn’t care.
hubertburnette
NTA. In the first place, you don’t have to go to any wedding you don’t to attend. The only reason they want you to attend is so that they can misrepresent the family and lie to their friends–that is, they don’t want all of their friends to realize that your mother and stepfather are terrible people. Well, they are.
They have alienated three of their kids; that was the consequence of a lot of deliberate choices on their part. If they don’t want to look like awful people in front of family and friends, maybe they should not have chosen to be awful people? Grandma and Great-Aunt should instead be spending their energy trying to persuade your mother and step-father to be better people. Then they wouldn’t have to lie.
gloryhokinetic
NTA. You know where the kid likely heard it. Ghost them.
Lizwings
NTA! Your half-brother is only 5. He did not come up with those horrible ideas- he heard them and now he is repeating them. The fact that your mother is brushing it off is really disappointing, because it would be nice to believe that this mean-spirited exclusion is all coming from your “step-father”, but it seems that your mother supports it, because she’s not stopping it.
Why would you go somewhere that you’re not welcome, let alone an event that requires time and money to attend? An event that isn’t happy for you or your siblings? Tell your mother and relatives that your “step-father” has been excluding you and teaching your half-brother that you’re not family, and that your mother, in words and actions, supports that.
And then keep your distance. Maybe one day your mother will realize how she has been manipulated, but for now she’s not a safe and loving parent to you, so you should spend your energy elsewhere with people who are actually loving and supportive of you!
IamIrene
He’s five. And yes, he’s being fed this line of thought. Your mother is being an AH by perpetuating it. Here’s the thing. You can’t let what a five-year-old says dictate how you react. If you want a place in your mother’s life, you’re going to have to stake it, and it will be painful at times but if you don’t, they’ll assume acceptance of their reality and then it will become your reality.
So, it’s up to you to choose. Do you fight for it? Do you let them go? In either case, you are NTA here. This is your decision to make and anyone judging you truly doesn’t understand the scoop of things.
The OP later added some more clarification.
I would like to make this clear because I am seeing a lot of repetition in comments – which is partially my fault because I had to delete context to fit within the word-count (and the title).
My half-brother is not being blamed for this. I’m well aware that he is repeating what he hears. That remark was sarcasm (poorly conveyed over text). He opened my eyes to what was going on in their household.
I told my Mother she should have corrected him because I wanted to see her reaction. She has been dismissive over Milton in the past, and the fact she didn’t say something to my half-brother at the time was eye-opening. If she had corrected him when he said it, I would have pinned it to Milton. Her lack of intervention confirms she is being passive about how Milton talks about me.
I was never going to say my half-brother is the reason why I’m not attending (I’m entirely sure how this became a concern). I will state my reasons to my Mother and she is free to tell everyone else what she wishes.
We were never unkind to Milton. He picked fights with us, chose not to form a relationship, and now we don’t have one. I’m not attending the wedding. I’ve already decided what to do about my Mother. The rules said it’s not one of those subs so I didn’t bother going into detail.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Wise_Lavishness_4406
NTA, of course the child heard that from somewhere. You should be concerned that your mother didn’t even try to dismiss it. Points it happening so often that she doesn’t want to bother and also that this is normal for her to hear. I would all together distance myself from the family as though they have already made their choice and wanting to keep you around for the appearances only.
Think-Corner-3232
NTA. Definitely don’t go, and let your Mom know that the reason is HER failure to correct the 5 year old (emphasize to her that the reason is not the 5 year old, the reason is HER).
hellouterus
You can correct your own half-brother, you know. After all, he is your half brother.
“Hahaha, half brother! Wherever did you get that silly idea? I am also my father’s child, just like you are! Hahaha!” “Hahaha, little bro! You are our dad’s and your mom’s ‘only’ child, but that doesn’t mean that I am not also our dad’s child! Silly you!”
NinjaHidingintheOpen
NTA. Your mother made it clear to her 5 year old that he can be rude and dismissive and exclude you from the family which entirely supports his belief. I’d also let her know that once she and Milton pass, that kid will be entirely on his own because of how she and her husband are raising him.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
