“Is there a polite way to ask a friend to clean up before you come over?”
Me and my friends regularly have a day in the week where we hang out at one of our houses and watch movies. We usually have it at my house or one of my other friends houses. we’ve yet to have a weekly hang and the friend in questions house because she moved recently.
She’s been inviting us over now that she’s settled but the problem is her house is filthy. and it’s not just because of moving because she’s consistently kept her loving spaces filthy for the many years we’ve all known her. (Part of the reason some of us had to stop living together a few years back).
Naturally you would sort of assume that hey! she’s probably going to clean since she knows she’s hosting. but we all know it’s not the case. She’s invited one of our friends over recently and he said her had to leave because it smelled so bad.
Part of this is because she doesn’t clean up her own mess but another part is that she doesn’t take care of her cats very well and never has for as long as we’ve known her. Their litter box is always dirty to the point where the poop and pee outside of it and litter is all over the floor and tracked through wherever she’s living at the time.
At one point in my friends recent visit to her house he said he literally sat in cat pee. he told the rest of us it was a mad house in there between human and animal mess. she really wants to host and has been asking us for weeks but i always find a way to have it hosted here.
I don’t want it to seem like we don’t want to go to her place but the truth is, at least speaking for myself, I don’t. I actually don’t mind some level of mess when visiting people because people have busy lives and sometimes just don’t have time to keep the place squeaky polished clean.
Everyone has times in there life where there house isn’t perfectly picked up, and it shouldn’t mean your friends can’t/shouldn’t want to come over. But this is a seriously different story. I want to be able to go to her house for our weekly hang out bc she seems so excited to host!
But me and my friends have all discussed that we truly don’t believe she will clean because she never has. she always assumes because we’re her friends we won’t mind the mess.
I know I will not have a good time because of the smells and worry of sitting or stepping in animal poop and pee but I really want to go over and have a great night with her!
She recently went through a breakup because the guy she’s dating/living with cheated on her so I really don’t want her to make her feel anymore bad about herself than she already does. also, she already has a tendency to get defensive when you bring up issues with her.
Is there a polite way to explain that I don’t want to go over if her house is filthy? Do I need to offer to help her clean the day or morning before? How do I bring this up, or do I just say nothing at all and possibly not attend or just stick it out in the filth with her so that I don’t hurt her feelings? I don’t want to be rude + at the end of the day it is her house and she can keep it however she likes.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
degeneratescholar said:
I think it’s time to take the gloves off and simply be kind and direct. “Friend, I’m looking forward to spending time with you at your new home, but it’s simply not possible under the current conditions.
I’m not talking about mail on the kitchen table or a dish in the sink, but it’s apparent that the cat’s toilet needs regular attention or they will go elsewhere and your guests will find it. Is there anything I can do to help you get that sorted out?”
Nobody likes to hear that their home is too dirty for guests because of their pets, but she needs to know in no uncertain terms what the issue is.
ImSuperBisexual said:
My eyes are watering just reading this, if she gets defensive then she knows damn well this isn’t normal and she’s trying to justify it. Tell her in very straightforward language what the issues are. X sat in cat urine.
There is animal feces on the floor. Y had to use x chemicals to get the smell of ammonia out of their clothes. We don’t feel it’s a healthy or safe choice going over to your house. Etc etc. If she gets upset, gray rock her and don’t give her any ammunition.
I have two cats who have three boxes between them and my house smells great because I clean them twice a day and sweep up kicked litter and use baking soda or whatever smell absorber I can buy in the boxes. This is borderline animal neglect. Also, you do not have to be friends with everybody.
Zestyclose_Media_548 said:
She’s being abusive to her animals. If she can’t manage to take care of of them – she needs to rehome them. I don’t care if she’s sad or has long term mental illness. The cats deserve better.
jackjackj8ck said:
Just tell her straight up. “I don’t want to go to your house because it’s dirty and smells like cat pee. Lemme know if that changes though!”
whysys said:
I genuinely find this bizarre as my house is never as bad as literally cat feces and pee puddles – just a bit dusty or untidy and I never want anyone to come over because I’m embarrassed. I host like one thing a year and deep clean the house beforehand.
I think you HAVE to tell her, kindly but definitely, she’s not got an awareness of it. Maybe instead of her hosting a movie you all come and help clean!
moew4974 said:
NTA. OP, there’s a difference between “messy” and a health hazard. Your friend is inviting all of you into a health hazard and you guys need to stage an intervention with her to help find out why she finds it acceptable to live like this.
It’s not healthy for guests and definitely not healthy for her or her cats to live in. Her feelings might be hurt, but sometimes being a friend means that you have to tell people the hard truth.
