“AITA for refusing to cancel a 5-week work trip for my boyfriend and blocking him the day before Valentine’s Day?”
My boyfriend (29M) and I (30F) recently reconnected after being broken up for a few months. The breakup involved a lot of insecurity and trust issues on his end, and me not being able to get over his initial lying about small things but I have never cheated on him or given him a reason to distrust me.
We’ve only been talking again for about a week. I already had a 5-week work trip planned to Texas and California before we reconnected. This trip is important for my career and has been planned for months.
Part of the trip includes 3 days in LA with a close friend. We planned to go out to restaurants and possibly some nightlife. He says I have “no business” going to nightclubs and doesn’t like the idea of me being in that environment.
I told him I can’t realistically ask my friend to go out alone while I just sit in a hotel room for three days, especially when this trip was planned long before we got back together.
He’s extremely uncomfortable with me going because he says we haven’t rebuilt enough trust yet. He asked me to share my location for the entire 5 weeks. I hesitated because last time I traveled, he spiraled and accused me of things and it turned into hours of fighting. I told him I was afraid it would become a disaster again if he monitored me while I was out with friends.
He took that as me being sketchy and said I’m not giving him what he needs. He said if roles were reversed he would cancel everything for me. He also said I have the power to cancel the trip but I’m choosing not to.
For context: I’ve been very supportive this past week. I cooked for him, helped him while he was sick, cleaned his place, etc. He came to my house with flowers and chocolates and made a reservation at a really hard-to-get restaurant for Valentine’s Day.
Tonight, the day before Valentine’s Day, he said his gut tells him I’m not the girl for him because I won’t cancel or fully accommodate what he needs to feel secure. I got overwhelmed and told him I can’t keep doing the hot-and-cold dynamic. I blocked him.
Now I’m wondering if I overreacted or if it was reasonable to block someone who said I’m not the girl for him right before Valentine’s Day.
AITA?
EDIT: I also ended up agreeing to sharing locations and he said it doesn’t count or matter now after my comment saying it would be a “disaster” and that I’m still going to be coming home at 5 am.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Necessary-Pool6581
He wanted you to cancel your life to make him feel secure. That’s a red flag wrapped in flowers and chocolates. Blocking him isn’t overreaction it’s drawing a boundary around your sanity. HAPPY VALENTINES.
Affectionate_Task387
He’s controlling and a walking red flag, make this break permanent.
Trailsya
NTA. And keep him blocked.
Just a week of talking again and it’s already drama. He will sabotage your career if you let him. So don’t let him.
FrontTour1583
NTA. There’s a reason you two broke up and that reason hasn’t changed. He hasn’t changed. He clearly didn’t go to therapy and work on his issues and come back to the relationship with a new understanding of what he has to unpack to be a supportive partner. He’s controlling and manipulative and you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Red flags everywhere.
EfficientSociety73
NTA. Why did you get back together with this guy? He isn’t going to change and if he’s talking about rebuilding trust, when you never did anything to cause a loss of it, what is his deal?
If he insists on tracking you like a damn Amazon package while you’re on a work trip, that’s a problem. You can go and have fun with friends. He can either trust you or not. Lee him blocked amend to EX boyfriend, permanently.
NYC-WhWmn-ov50
It sounds like he didn’t get over any of the problems he had that led to the breakup in the first place? Your mistake was in thinking he got over his insecurities and trust issues; he really just thinks you’ve gotten over your problem with his desire to monitor your every move, and for him to control you. He hasn’t changed.
What your gut is trying to tell you is that this guy is a mistake with a capital M. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t support what you want out of your career and ife and who demands you do what he wants because he is constantly afraid you’ll find someone better than him to leave him for?
Trust your gut and leave him, period. Because there are PLENTY of men better than him, who will be a partner instead if a dictator. You deserve better than a child afraid he’s not good enough so he doesnt actually try BEING good enough.
Knittingfairy09113
NTA. This is not someone you should date. WTF is he about saying you need to ‘rebuild trust’ when you never did anything wrong??? He needs to grow up and get a grip.
Newplanter11
NTA. See ya sir! You broke up before and it sounds like it should have been permanent then. Doesn’t sound like you are not compatible and should move forward finding someone who is compatible.
fyrelyte11
NTA. Never play toxic break up make up games. Once someone’s an ex keep them an ex. He had already showed you he was a toxic abusive dumpster fire of a human the first time around. Those people don’t change for the better, they only get worse with time.
And in the future remember this, you are supposed to run at the first red flag, cause they are never singular. Everything he was demanding and saying to you was toxic control, manipulation, and isolation tactics. Please educate yourself on the signs.
Also please work on your relationship with yourself before dating anyone again. You need to build your self love, self respect, and self worth far more than what they are currently. Your personal rules for yourself, and self preservation skills need work.
You have to have your own back always, listen to your gut instinct, and stand on it. No more back peddling, or second guessing yourself. And no more volunteering yourself for toxic abusive trash BS. Good luck to you!
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
