My uncle’s wife was an actress. Her parents were actors with her Dad being very accomplished and successful for his time. She and her sister became actresses but retired/changed careers.
I watched some of the shows she was in and I was stunned when I learned my uncle was going out with her and then married her. I’ve spoken to her several times and am on good terms with her. Recently I paid them a visit. She wasn’t in so I spoke with my uncle.
I visited for New Years and because I wanted to show them a video of an album she did when she was 16 that I found online. It was her singing popular songs from the time, she never became a singer but she sounded amazing in it. The video, at the same time did feel a bit poignant, it felt like an image of who she was/what she could have been and what her parents wanted for her.
My uncle agreed that she sounded lovely and joked whether she should have done that instead of acting. He then sarcastically joked that maybe she chose wrong and could have been minted. These remarks annoyed me, I felt like he doesn’t really appreciate the talent she had and how much she sacrificed for their marriage.I challenged him and asked hypothetically where he thought she would be if she never met him. He was puzzled and guessed maybe still acting or settled with someone else. For some context, my uncle was a big farmer and that profession is really labour intensive. She had to help him with the physical tasks, doing the books, side jobs and then they had kids and that put the final nail in her acting career. I pointed out how there is a correlation in her taking on less acting roles and when she met him and how having to help him with the farm obviously contributed to her quitting. He was annoyed and replied it’s been nearly 30 years since she quit and that it’s a bit late for that insight. He didn’t address my point.
I said I’m not judging him just that she did sacrifice a lot for him. She told me before, she was offered the chance to audition for a major movie in the 90s that she now loves but declined due to her relationship and not wanting to travel abroad. I told him this and again he refused to acknowledge the point repeating it was so long ago and asserting that she was done with acting at that point. He then asked me to wait for her to return and tell her this insight and see what she thinks. I was a bit freaked out as it came across as on the spot and I could tell it was getting under his skin so I apologised and changed the topic and left shortly after. Later his wife phoned me and she took his side based on whatever spin he told her saying I was being judgmental. I just agreed because I didn’t want to escalate this so I quickly changed the topic to the album and the rest of the call went normally. I think my uncle is acting extremely petty and insecure. I’m not judging him or vilifying him. I just want him to understand how much she sacrificed for their marriage.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
hahaz13 wrote:
YTA. Correlation =/= causation. And way to jump the gun to assumptions without getting your aunts perspective on her career. Who wouldn’t be petty or insecure if their little shit of a niece/nephew had the balls to tell them to their face their spouse made the wrong choice in marrying them?
OP responded:
From talking to her before, she has told me she feels really nostalgic for her acting career and misses several aspects of it.
Fit_entry8839 wrote:
YTA. You are making complete guesses as to what could have happened with her career, as well as not fully being aware of her perspective and she chose what she did. You said she sacrificed a lot for him, but you don’t know that for sure.
An audition, doesn’t mean she was going to get that overseas role. All that matters is she wanted to do this. But you are seemingly dismissing that and blaming your uncle for her choice.
OP responded:
That’s true, it was just an audition but she does love the film now and I was just thinking maybe if she was involved in it’s making (it was for a small background role) that it maybe could have reignited her interest in acting. I know it is her choices and I’m not saying she chose wrong.
razzlemcwazzle wrote:
YTA. To be honest, you seem very immature. You’re not acknowledging her agency at all here. She chose to be with him, she chose to decline that major movie. It just seems like you have an issue with your Uncle, and you’ve found something to bother him with. Or you’re star struck and you can’t get this fantasy of a famous Aunt out of your head.
OP responded:
I do acknowledge her agency. I just want my uncle to just appreciate and understand what she sacrificed for the marriage. I’m not star struck either, she was never really famous.
Illustrious-Baker775 wrote:
YTA, their marriage and relationship, and life choices have nothing to do with you. You have no idea what their life and circumstances were like and what made them make the decisions they did.
“They had kids and that was the final nail in the coffin” go blame your cousins too then, for being alive and contributing to ruin their moms career.
Grow up some before you start a family, I question your priorities while raising children.
OP responded:
I’m not blaming them. It’s just a matter of fact that juggling kids and her work on the farm ended any chance of her going back into acting even for a small role. She has told me as well, she did consider going for a small theatre role in her local town but decided against it because of everything I mentioned.
Whatsinaname8879660 wrote:
YTA. No one knows the world that exists between two people who have been married for a long time except for them. I promise you he knows her better than you do. And she knows herself and the choices she made and why she made them better than you do. You’re just an interloper who is spewing opinions based on what you imagine you could have done with her talent.
You weren’t the person who was acting. You weren’t the person who fell in love. You didn’t even know that person. You seem unable to tell the difference between your fantasy of their life and their reality of it. You owe them both an apology.
Alone-historian-5308 wrote:
YTA. She isn’t a victim. Your uncle didn’t happen to her and she doesn’t owe the world her talents. Even when love isn’t involved, plenty of actresses choose to leave the industry for a quieter life. Her choices are hers to make and she sounds happy.
