“AITA for expecting my wife to tell me if her best friend is cheating?”
I feel like I’m going crazy. My wife’s best friend (we will call Julie) and her husband (We will call Tom) are going through marriage issues. I’m kind of an unwilling Dr. Phil for our friend group, and I was approached by Tom a few weeks ago, he was having a bit of a breakdown because he thought Julie was cheating.
Julie told him he was wrong, but in the course of their fighting, she talked about how she doesn’t love him anymore blah blah blah. Tom asked what me and my wife did years ago when we went through the same type of issues.I somehow get roped into their issues, and I started helping Tom deal with some of his inner issues. Telling him things I did to grow into a Man of God that my wife needed me to be.
So about 2 weeks ago, Tom sends me some evidence of Julie flirting/adult texting some dude. I call my wife, flabbergasted because I couldn’t believe that this person I knew for years would be unfaithful to her husbandMy wife, is equally shocked. Later that day, I get a message from Tom saying my wife and Julie were talking and my wife had KNOWN about the other dude for a minute or two… she lied to me to cover for her friend.
My wife and I have a pact, we don’t lie when we promise on certain things. It’s a failsafe for us…well she did. Then their issues rolled over into OUR marriage…ooooof. So we got over it…Tom and Julie went to counseling…and she started talking to ANOTHER random dude online.
Tom caught her, is upset and call me…I asked my wife if she knew about this other dude? She says no…but in fact she did, I could see it on her face. I asked her “is this a situation where you need to lie to protect your friend?” She started crying and I knew what I needed to know.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, we are good. I don’t think she’s being unfaithful to me, but I’m upset because it feels like she is choosing her friend’s confidence over mine.
She says “People need to be able to confide is people” which I replied “Sure, talk about being unhappy in your life etc, but putting you in a position to lie to me AGAIN because she can’t stay faithful is crazy.” AITA for asking my wife if her best friend is cheating on her husband (who is my friend)?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Truebeliever-14 said:
You and your wife need to decide what’s more important, your friends or your marriage.
National_Conflict609 said:
You and your wife need to step away and out of their business. You’re going to wreck your own getting involved because you’ll both start taking sides.
honestypen said:
I think you’re both a little too involved in your friend’s marriage.
AdAdmirable433 said:
Geez. So much drama. It’s none of your business what your wife’s friend confides in her. To consider her “lying” bc she’s not telling you gossip, is kinda nuts. Get out of this other couple’s marriage. You can offer moral support, but you are wayyyyy too involved.
Plane-Print-3091 said:
The wife is not telling on her best friend, because she is not trusting OP to not run back to Tom (as he appears to plan to do). Simple as that. Get out of other people’s business. It has nothing to do with you.
CowtheCatt said:
Ok here we go. ESH. You for getting in the middle. Your friend’s wife for cheating. Your wife for helping cover for her friend’s cheating. Your friends just need to get divorced and move on.
You and your wife need to go to counseling. And you need to listen and be willing to come down off that high horse. Once your friend told you that his wife cheated again you didn’t need to ask your wife if she knew. It no longer had any bearing on the situation.
Shaydee-In-Oz said:
YTA if you’re still going to be a sounding board for Tom while telling your wife she can’t be a sounding board for Julie. Pick your battles.
Intuitive-wisd0m said:
YTA Op . Why do you feel entitled to know what Julie tells your wife, or who Julie is texting or adult texting. Why are you trying to monitor the actions of a woman who is neither your child nor your wife ? What Julie confided privately to her best friend has nothing to do with you.
Your marital pact does not make you entitled to know the intimate details of everyone’s life who is close to and confides in your wife. This whole we tell each other everything rhetoric is deeply flawed in marriage. You should be telling each other everything that concerns you and your couple. Your spouse’s best friend’s private life is none of your business.
This is why is so hard to have a support system and open up to friends about something private these days. Because they tell their spouse who tells their friends, next thing you know all of your business is out on the street.
