“AITA for being hurt that some of my family members chose to go to a wedding over my husband’s funeral?”
So my husband has had health issues for most of his life, but he also has a phobia and when I privately mentioned not having a particular item at a family get together just to make sure everyone was comfortable, my husband was made fun of in a family chat room. Rather than cause more drama, I removed myself, husband, and kids from the chat room to further eliminate any more issues.We did not attend the party as not to cause drama. We were then told we just made excuses for not going because we didn’t go the year before either. That year was covid and I had just had brain surgery. So no, we didn’t go.The phobia was real, we didn’t go the second year, I thought the issue was over. I was wrong. Then we got deleted from family social media and blocked. We haven’t heard from some family in years.My husband died this week. I planned his services. The weather will be bad the next few weeks so I’ve pushed the date out a few weeks. I had to get special permission and fill out a bunch of forms because he’s being buried at a national park.It’s not easy to just change the date. Apparently one of the offended family members is getting married that day and is upset I’m burying my husband that day. I had no idea it was her wedding day.I wasn’t invited. How would I know? I was even told by my own mother that she couldn’t attend the funeral because of the wedding. Really?! So AITAH for planning the services on the same day?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
hopingtothrive
“We haven’t heard from some family in years.”
Since you are not in touch with family it should make no difference whether they show up at the funeral or not. You will be there and so will others who care
MaryLoveJane
I think OP is more upset about other family members that were more or less just stuck in the middle, that chose the wedding despite no hard feeling between them and OP (like her mother).
NAH, it’s just an unfortunate situation that is a result of the prior conflict and drifting apart of the extended family. OP didn’t know about the wedding, so it’s not their fault for picking the same date, but none of the family members that chose the wedding are at fault either since it was likely a prior commitment.
theequeenbee3
Why do you care that these family members won’t be at his funeral? These people who blocked you, haven’t spoken to you in years, and who made fun of your husband!? Why would you WANT them there?
fuzzy_mic
You planned an important non-movable event on the same day that someone else, unknowingly, also planned an important non-movable event. People who were invited to attend both events chose the one with living celebrants that they liked over the event centered on a dead guy that they didn’t like. NTA.
ConclusionUnusual320
It is a no win situation. Irrespective of how people treated OP’s husband, the wedding was planned in advance with attendees confirmed. If they cancelled the bride/groom would’ve been upset as the wedding was the prior commitment.
angelicak92
If you all haven’t been in contact with them for years, it’s unfortunate but they will choose the event that they were invited to first and the one with the person they are closer too. Im so sorry your husband has passed but the people who cared about him and care about you WILL be there.
Your mother missing the funeral of her son in law is heartbreaking and I dont know how you can fix the relationship after this but I hope you do what’s best for you. NTA.
day-gardener
In a normal family, someone like OP’s mom would have been consulted before a funeral date was set. OP’s mom isn’t in the wrong either. One someone passes, communications around those that loved that person the most starts immediately. People start visiting & talking right away. Discussions around services happen right away.
We weren’t there to witness the progression in this case, but one of two things happened. 1) OP didn’t consult the important people prior to setting up arrangements or 2) Mom didn’t want to bring up the wedding with her daughter so she ignored it, or she thought the wedding was far enough out to where it wouldn’t possibly be a conflict. Either way, mom isn’t in the wrong.
Cherry_clafoutis
The wedding would have been booked a year ago and a huge amount of money spent on it. People would have RSVP’d for the wedding, booked accomodation, travel etc. And I don’t want to be unkind but if you have’t talked to these family members in years and wasn’t even aware there was a wedding on, you are not close to them.
You have chosen to stick to the same date despite finding out a major event was the same day and you don’t seem at all concerned about the impact of your choice on those around you. That is fine; keep that date but they are not wrong for deciding to go with the people they are close to and who takes an interest in their lives.
audiblegiggles
“but he also has a phobia and when I privately mentioned not having a particular item at a family get together just to make sure everyone was comfortable, my husband was made fun of in a family chat room…..”
Like what was the item? I feel we are really only getting one side of the story. Seems a bit dramatic to be scared of an item? Sounds like maybe he was difficult to be around or made things about himself.
