“AITA for telling my wife she can’t have it both ways?”
We’ve been married for 9 years, we’re in our 30s and have 2 kids. For the most part I think our relationship is great. We don’t really struggle with jealousy or insecurity or the like usually, until recently.
I know this makes me sound horrible but I never really got along with one of her friend groups. These are some of her work friends she started hanging out with about a year ago.
Nothing really against them, just didn’t really think it was my crowd. It’s 2 married guys & 2 women who are divorced (one recently so), and the few times I came along with my wife to their hangouts it was mostly work talk I didn’t find particularly interesting.
So usually I’d just stay home & care for the kids to save money on the sitter & let my wife go, but I was clear with my wife that I just didn’t really enjoy that particular group and while I encourage her to go out and socialize, I just didn’t want to come.
She was fine at first, but then the group started pressuring her into bringing me as the guys started bringing their wives around & one of the gals found a partner so she was feeling awkward coming without me. We argued for a bit but after a few times she said it was important to her that I come so I agreed.
Well, to my surprise it turned out I get on really well with one of the guy’s wives. We just hit it off immediately because we’re a very similar type of geek so we’d just talk about TV or movies or anime while the others did their thing.
I thought I cracked the code, because now whenever spouses were invited to the hangouts I could show up & have a good time, and I thought it’d make my wife happy. It did not.
Instead of her being happy that I’m coming, she’s now acting jealous & saying that it’s weird how close I’m getting to that woman. I told her it’s not weird, she’s just the one person I get along with well in that group outside of herself.
My wife asked if I would make more of an effort to not just interact with her, and I said no. I again said that the choice was hers – she could invite me to the hangouts or not invite me, and I would respect it.
Moreover – I’m not actually close to that woman. I don’t have her number, we aren’t connected on socials, I genuinely have no contact with her outside of the group, but if my wife is going to insist I come to these things, I’m not going to force myself into having a worse time.
My wife said I’m an AH for not putting her needs & wants first, but I told her that’s selfish to claim, because she’s basically telling me to put myself last regularly so she can both get to bring me to these hangouts but also discourage me from enjoying myself when I come.
It seems controlling and petty. So I just again said she can decide if she wants me there or not, but she does not get to dictate how I behave.
So AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
No-Bug589758
You don’t expect her to stop talking to her male colleagues or the new bf of her female colleague (I assume). So why shouldn’t you be allowed to talk to her coworkers wife? You have shared interests with her, while you don’t have much to talk about with the other people in this group.
Your wife is even with you when you talk to her. It’s not like you meet up alone with her coworkers wife. As long as you haven’t left anything out of your description, I don’t see a problem – NTA.
ArdentBagel (OP)
I very much don’t raise a stink about her interactions with other men. I realize that if she wants to cheat she’s going to cheat and me being controlling isn’t going to do anyone any good, and she’s been very chill about this as well with previous women, especially considering that we both often just click with people like this (which is how she formed this friend group).
I think it might be that some of the people in the group are teasing her about it, which might make her insecure? Going to have to bring it up with her I guess.
ChakraMama318
So- your wife is seeing that you really click with another woman and it is making her feel insecure. You are NTA- but I would ask her how you can help her feel more comfortable and secure in your relationship without this bs around who you can and can’t talk to.
The truth is: controlling your behavior will never truly make her feel safe. It’s just a bandaid. Being open and connecting with our partners is what reinforces our bonds and created reassurance.
IntrovertedBrawler
Going to your partner’s work hangout sucks. I teach at the same school as my wife and I’m not interested in hanging out with her department listening to them talk about things that don’t involve me. If your wife is so concerned you made a new friend she should let you stay home.
Short-pitched
Your wife is odd and clearly has no sense of self reflection. You talking to a woman when you come to HER group when SHE invites you is making her feel weird but HER hanging out and talking to multiple men in the very same group often is ok. Make it make sense bro. NTA.
Advanced-Tune2933
I get why your wife might feel a little uncomfortable, but it doesn’t sound like you’re crossing any boundaries. You’re respecting the group, not overstepping outside of it, and just clicking with someone. If she insists you attend, she should accept that you’ll naturally talk to the people you get along with. Otherwise, it feels like she just wants to control the situation.
FarewellChai
I don’t think this is about jealousy as much as your wife wanting a “performance.” Everybody else is showing off their spouses and partners, and your wife wants to do the same, and you’re not playing along by mostly chatting with just one person. Its an unreasonable expectation to have of somebody, to want them to perform in front of everybody. NTA.
DocSternau
INFO: What are the other spouses doing while your wife and her colleagues talk about work? What afford are your wife and her colleagues making in including you tag-along guys in their hangout?
It sounds strange that your wife expects you to either be the third wheel or to get along with those people you don’t know but they on the other hand seem to not make any kind of effort to include you. NTA.
ArdentBagel OP responded:
Out of the 3 other spouses, 2 work in the same field, so they can meaningfully participate in these work related conversations which me & the other wife cannot do.
Later OP added this update to the post:
Hey everyone, thanks for all the replies! I had a talk with my wife about what was different about this group compared to others, and after we considered it for a while it came down to two things.
First, I suppose I should mention for context that my wife and her friends are all MDs or PHDs, and teach at a university, where my wife started teaching after getting her own masters degree in public health (she was already an M.D).
“Shop talk” in this context means a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of very “funny” stories about how their stupid grad student left cell cultures at the wrong temperature or somesuch or how bad bad the doctors getting their board certification are this year.
I tried, I genuinely did to take interest but I can’t, not for long, I genuinely cannot participate in these conversations in a meaningful way, and whenever I tried talking to some of these people about other stuff it just doesn’t click. I see the lack of interest. Then they sort of drift back to their own conversation. That’s why I didn’t feel like I should come from pretty early on.
So with that in mind, we discussed why she felt it was important that I come despite them clearly not actually enjoying my company and me not enjoying theirs. So turned out one of those friends jokingly said she thought my wife “married down” because I only have my bachelor’s degree and never even considered doing anything more, while my wife basically excels at everything she tries (and I’m very proud of her).
And this made her feel insecure because she was embarrassed by me talking about immature stuff around her highly educated, well read friends. I told my wife I think her friend sounds bitter and I don’t have to prove my worth to her.
To be clear – I own my own business, it’s doing well and it allowed me to support my wife through school (MANY, MANY years of school) and make my own hours while she worked ridiculous hospital hours while at the same time working on her thesis, so that I could take care of our kids & home (which I mostly paid for because for most of our life together I was making much more than her.
I do now as well but by a far smaller margin). Also we cleared up that outside that joke it wasn’t really a prevalent issue, but it WAS made worse by that guy’s joke about me & his wife hanging out being a “playdate”. So having discussed this it does seem to mostly be stemming from some insecurities on my wife’s part.
Conversation was a bit tense, but I still maintained that I’m willing to go to the hangouts with her if she wants, but I still refuse to be something I’m not or be made to feel inadequate for what I am or try to prove my maturity to her friends.
I’m a good husband, I’m a good father, I’m happy with the life I have and I thought she was as well, which she reassured me she was, so with that in mind we decided that we’ll decide on future attendance on a case by case basis, but obviously there’s no easy solution to her feeling insecure, so that’s something we still need to work on. At least I know she didn’t think I was being unfaithful, which is reassuring.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
