“Tomorrow, my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him and I’m going to say no.”
I feel like if I don’t tell someone, even strangers, I’ll explode. The ache in my heart is only getting worse and I don’t know what I can do to change how I feel. If I had one wish right now, it would be to somehow magically change how I feel. A week ago, I found the ring. I think it was a week ago. He knew exactly what ring to buy, a girl can’t ask for a more beautiful ring.
It’s been in his family for years. He also got a backup ring. I also know he asked my dad’s permission and that my dad gave it to him despite both of us being young. Well, youngish. My family has always loved him, so so much. I think they’ll feel equally awful after tomorrow. I wish I didn’t find the ring, maybe if I didn’t have time to think about it I would have said yes. But that’s not fair to either of us.
I’ll miss him. I’ll miss his scent, his hugs, his laugh. The way he doesn’t make me feel dumb when I tell him I don’t know something. He’ll just explain it to me. No judgement. I’ll miss the chemistry we have, how even after years of being together we still want each other just as much. I won’t miss the jealousy, the possessiveness, and the way he feels like he owns me.
When we first got together I thought I could live with his flaws. After all, I wasn’t perfect either. But when I saw that ring I knew I couldn’t. I want to be able to have friends even if they are of the opposite gender, I want to talk to my coworkers without someone feeling jealous or threatened. I want to someone times have a girls night.
I want a relationship where my partner doesn’t act possessive in the name of being protective. I want someone who won’t scream at me, asking me to get in the car and leave with him just because a male friend asked me to hang out. I get why he does it, I understand him. I love him. He’s insecure and I get that. He wants to protect me but what he doesn’t understand is that he’s hurting me trying to do this.
I can’t constantly fight and defend myself. That’s not the life i see myself having. I feel like he doesn’t trust me even after years of me being nothing but loyal. I feel selfish. I promised him I would never leave him. I promised him I’d stay and love him forever. I promised we’d grow old together, start a family together.
He’s even trying to be better for me. But it just wouldn’t be fair for him to have a wife who, even if only for a few moments, resents him. I hope he wants to continue our relationship even though i’ll say no. I want keep all my promises. just not now with the way that we are.
I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to disappoint everyone I know. I hope I wake up tomorrow and magically change my mind.
EDIT: The reason why I’m not telling him no now: I’ve considered that but from how much I know him, it will be better if i answer when he asks me. Kinder.
I know he’ll want the chance to do it properly because otherwise he’ll keep wondering like “what if she didn’t find the ring” “what if i did it right” “what if she’s just freaked out” etc. I know him and this is 100% the better way for him to find out (at least considering the other option.). It’s not a public proposal.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
sammi-sam33 wrote:
I was with my ex for 10 years and there were so many things I excused and thought oh he’s just slightly insecure. We talked and talked he promised things would change and he wouldn’t be so possessive and question what I was doing. I knew he was going to ask me, and I wholeheartedly thought I’d say yes.
When I saw the ring all I could say was no. We tried to make it work after but I just started to realize that while I loved him to my core he wasn’t the future I wanted.
We continued to be friends for a couple years, then I met my husband and that was fine but when I got pregnant he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t watch me build the life he wanted with me. He’s now engaged and we’re both happy in our lives. Sometimes you just realize the person you think is meant to be your forever really isn’t and that’s okay.
OP responded:
Thank you so much for sharing. I needed to hear that last part so much. Thank you.
askallthequestions86 wrote:
If I could go back in time, I would’ve never married my possessive jealous ex. I was the same way, I walked on eggshells around him. When I finally got the nerve to ask for a divorce, it got INSANE.
OP responded:
I feel you so much on that walking on eggshells part. I do it so much that it’s a habit now…
I hope you’re in a better situation now <3
bring_a_towel_42 wrote:
In my experience (and seeing it happen with people around me) the possessiveness and jealousy will just get worse if you do get married, or even just say yes to the proposal. Once that ring is on there, things will change (and not for the better), and your resentment towards him will grow.
Those doubts you have is your gut saying something isn’t right. You are doing the right thing by saying no. Don’t worry about letting other people down, it’s not their life. You deserve to be happy and be able to do what you want, when you want, and be able to talk to whomever you want.
[deleted] wrote:
I’m in kind of the same boat. I just don’t know how to say goodbye to all of our memories, and our whole future. I don’t know how to potentially watch him make that future with someone new. I love him, but I know it’s not the right path. But how do I say goodbye to someone I really love?
OP responded:
I’m sorry about all this. I understand this so much. I hope the both of us feels at least a tad better or maybe even a little less confused about what to do. Good luck <3
OP jumped back on with an update:
Just to clarify a few things that people found confusing:
He already had the family ring with him (his great grandmother’s) but he bought one more (whole another) ring just in case I didn’t like the family one.
The back up ring was more modern. I assumed right in thinking he planned to propose with the family ring and then give me the back up ring as a modern alternative. Also, I am 25F and he is 26M. We have been together for 5 years (will be 6 this Christmas)
A lot of people were asking me why I’d want to stay in this relationship since I talked about how even though I was not ready to get married, i’d still want to be with my boyfriend. It’s basically because I have faith in us. I want to help him and I want to try everything I can before giving up on us.
I love him and his qualities and lovable quirks are so much more than his flaws. I know he had a not-so-good childhood which doesn’t help with the insecurities. Rather than leave him and lose everything we had, I want to try. Of course this is all only applicable if I’m happy. I’m still prioritising myself. I just want to help him along with this too.
Okay so the update,
I ended up talking to him before he proposed. At first I was so sure that it was better to wait but a few helpful comments made me realise I’d forever ruin the magic and beauty that comes with proposals if I let him actually do it only for me to say no.
So I texted him and told him to come back home from work as soon as possible. My brother knew I was telling him about my decision just in case things got messy. Not that I think my boyfriend would ever hurt me, but I was just overall very chaotic in my emotions and felt like I’d need someone with me if we broke up.
He came home, I cooked dinner and we sat together at the table. He could tell I found the ring, I knew that he knew the moment I looked at his face. I’m not sure how to best describe it in english but there was a certain sadness in the air I couldn’t quite understand. Not your typical sadness. I don’t know.
Anyways, I told him about the ring and he asked me if the answer was yes. I couldn’t speak really but he answered it for himself and said “obviously the answer is no otherwise we wouldn’t be doing this”. He asked me the reason, I explained as much as I could. He listened, I cried, then he cried.
Then we just held each other. He was not angry at all and now I feel guilty for thinking he’d scream at me or something. I told him I still love him and that I just didn’t want to get married now. He said okay and then that he wanted to be a better person for me before calling me his wife.
I asked him if that meant he wanted to try something like therapy and he said yes. He was very hurt though I could tell, it pained me to see someone I love so much go through that but this was the only option. I didn’t want to get married while he was still this way. We cried more, went for a walk, and I felt hopeful about our relationship for the first time in a while.
I think we forgot that love isn’t always enough (as someone pointed out in the comment section). I want to understand him more and I can see that he wants to try and be better with his insecurities and instincts. I know it will be slow, the whole process. I know he won’t magically change. But I’m okay with that. I’m booking an appointment soon.
We have been having more honest conversations, especially me by telling him how hurt I was by some of the things he does. It felt good to communicate like that. He opened up to me too about his insecurities and whatnot. Thank you again, for validating my feelings. It felt so good to just type all this out and to have so much love and kindness. Thank you.
Here’s what people had to say to OP’s update:
[deleted] wrote:
Thanks for the update. Thanks for being an example of being mature, wise, and loving in communicating your needs in a relationship.
OP responded:
Thank you for your kind words.
mylogicscarespeople wrote:
I have to say that I’m so damn proud of you. You covered all loose ends, were honest and direct and it appears to have worked out for the best so far. I think that even if your relationship with him was to end at some point you both will be better from this experience. Very proud of you, you smashed this!
OP responded:
Thank you so so much <3
NeiProud wrote:
How will he know the best time to propose to you? Will you give him big hints? As he will probably be apprehensive to ask you, fearing the ” I’m not ready” answer. Or are you comfortable just maintaining the status quo? What you did was a very mature approach and taking marriage very seriously for the right reasons.
OP responded:
He actually asked me that and I told him we’d have that conversation soon as I’m not sure myself. I think when I feel like the both of us are at a more comfortable position I’d just tell him like “Hey I feel like we’re at a really great place” 🙂
cr2810 wrote:
I dated my husband a year before we got engaged. We were engaged for seven years before we decided we were ready to actually be married. We got through all the tough and terrible stuff that breaks up new marriages before we actually signed legal papers.
Our way of treating it was as long as we both had “one foot in” then things were worth fight for. If not, then it was easier to walk away. We’ve been married 10 years now.
