“AITA for not cooking vegan food or ordering any at a housewarming dinner?”
Alright so, I’m a 23-year-old woman, I recently started living by myself and I decided to host a housewarming dinner/get together. The invite list was fairly small, 5 family members and 3 friends. (My apartment is quite small so that was enough to be cramped lol).
I called everybody before hand to make sure whatever I was cooking would adhere to dietary restrictions & allergies etc. A few people asked if they were welcome to bring other foods, wine, drinks etc and I said sure. So it happened last night and I had basically cooked a scaled down thanksgiving meal, smallish turkey, chicken, potatoes, mac and cheese and salad.
I was also expecting other people to bring stuff and almost everyone did, it turned into kind of a potluck situation. My brother ended up coming a bit late which isn’t too unusual, but he had a woman who he introduced as his girlfriend in tow. I didn’t really have a problem with it.
I was thinking it would’ve been nice for him to tell me she was coming but from the way he explained it it was a last minute decision. We’re all standing around my tiny table praying & when we’re done it’s time for food. My brother’s girlfriend asked what was vegan at the table and said she’d been eyeing a few things.
I said I personally hadn’t cooked anything vegan, but one of my friends who is vegetarian had. It was some kind of stuffed peppers thing.
I wasn’t expecting to have a vegan so I wasn’t prepared but his girlfriend seemed really upset. My brother pulled me aside about an hour after and said it wasn’t really good hosting to only have 1 dish for her to eat. To be fair, she did look sort of left out just eating stuffed peppers and I did feel bad, but when my brother suggested I order her some food to make up for it I said no.
Vegan food is quite expensive where I live and I had already gone over my budget for the month with my dinner. I told him he was definitely welcome to order it, but I personally couldn’t afford another $25-$30 on one meal for her.
There was no big scene or anything, he stayed until the end of the night and she stayed too, I told her she was welcome to raid the fridge because I was sure I had some foods suited to her but she didn’t take me up on that offer.
This morning however, he called and said that I should’ve at least ordered for her, considering I only had one dish she could eat, and that it was insulting to her being told she could go through the fridge “like some rat or something.” Now I’m conflicted, last night I didn’t feel that bad for not ordering, but today I do based on what he said and how she felt. AITA?
Later, the post was edited to include:
I’d like to clarify that his girlfriend didn’t say anything mean or demanding to me, and I’m fairly sure she never intended for me to hear the rat thing. She seemed like a sweet girl, just I guess she felt out of place.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
KittKatt7179 said:
NTA. You don’t crash a party, then get mad because nothing is to your liking. That’s not how this works.
If he had given you notice, then you could have prepared a few dishes, but for her to be a literal stranger then get mad because you didn’t cook food to her tastes is ridiculous on her part and your brother’s.
RoyallyOakie said:
NTA…it would take supernatural powers to guess the needs of an uninvited guest.
PoliticoJewtino said:
NTA. You had no idea she was coming and called around before. If your brother thought this was such a big issue, he would’ve told you when you asked.
PleaseCoffeeMe said:
NTA, brother turned up with an uninvited guest. Guest had dietary restrictions you were not aware of, if it was important for YOUR BROTHER’S guest to have something to eat, then, he should have ordered it. Next time she is YOUR guest, I’m sure you will accommodate.
pinkyzbaby said:
NTA. She was an unexpected guest, so you didn’t have any food prepared specifically for her, and since she did show up unannounced, it was totally on her to make sure she had something to eat.
You were definitely a good host because it seems like you did your best to prepare a meal that all of the expected guests could enjoy, and that’s all you had to do.
itrunsinthefamily63 said:
NTA. Your brother didn’t even ask if he could bring his girlfriend, let alone tell you that she was vegan. You probably should have checked the fridge and made a definite offer of whatever you had, but if that wasn’t ok, HE should have ordered her food seeing as he sprung her on you.
Later OP added this edit and update:
EDIT: I read through most of the comments so far and I’d like to clarify that his girlfriend didn’t say anything mean or demanding to me, and I’m fairly sure she never intended for me to hear the rat thing. She seemed like a sweet girl, just I guess she felt out of place. I appreciate the people giving fair comments but some of you are just being mean to her, which i ask you kindly not to do when giving your opinion. Thank you!
UPDATE: So this morning I woke up to a message from my brother’s girlfriend. As many of you suggested, she wasn’t aware that she wasn’t formally invited. My brother had forgotten to ask and simply assumed she’d be welcome (which she was of course).
My friend who is vegetarian transitioned from being vegan a few months ago, and my brother was aware that she was coming & assumed that there would be more options because of her being there. He was not aware that she is no longer vegan.
She apologized for seeming down, and if she had ruined the dinner — which I assured her she had not. She basically explained that she was expecting more from what my brother had said and was jus a little disappointed.
There are no hard feelings surrounding it, as I said before, very sweet girl, she was just in an uncomfortable situation in an unfamiliar place with people she was meeting for the first time.
Lastly, to answer a few questions :
- The closest vegan place to us is about 30 minutes away, meaning that I would’ve probably had to order it in and pay a delivery fee. This, plus the cost for the food is what would’ve made it so expensive.
- The salad was not vegan as it had croutons in it, so yes, she was only eating the stuffed peppers.
- My brother did not bring a dish, but he brought drinks.
- My brother is 19, his girlfriend goes to school with him so I’d assume she is the same age.
- My father already talked to my brother about how he was wrong, and I have since received an apology from him as well.
Thank you for all of the kind words & advice. I was planning to act on some of it, but my brother and his girlfriend beat me too it with their explanations / apologies!
All in all, the situation has been rectified fine, no big explosions or anything — sorry to disappoint those who were anticipating a cursing match!
