“AITA for not telling my family about my pregnancy?”
I (40F) just recently found out that I am pregnant. Like… 8 months pregnant at this point. My fiancé (40M) and I weren’t ever planning on having children. I have never wanted kids of my own and have always been up-front about this with my family and friends.
Due to a series of bizarre medical events, I ended up pregnant despite long-term use of very effective (for me) birth control. I didn’t know because a medication masked basically all the symptoms of early pregnancy. It was a fluke that I found out at 28 weeks — and it wasn’t a happy surprise. I spent several days in complete hysterics.
Now, a month later, I have come to terms for the most part. At this point there’s nothing to do but finish this strange and unplanned journey. My fiancé and I have decided to pursue adoption through a very good agency.
We’re doing all the right things for the baby medically and we think we’re doing the right thing with the adoption as well. We believe that kids deserve a family who is excited for them and delighted by them… and we can’t give this child that experience.
Here’s where we may be AHs. We have told only the people closest to us about the pregnancy and our plans. This includes our closest friends and confidants… but only includes two members of my family, namely two that I thought would support us without pressuring us to do anything aside from what we’ve chosen.
We’re both close to my family as a whole, but they can be… pushy. The other members of my extended family are very religious and honestly pretty judgmental. I think they would probably “mean well” but would actually end up stressing both myself and my fiancé out during a time that’s already stressful.
Of course, this means shutting them out of everything. No part in the birth, no information about the adoption, nothing. I know this would hurt them if they knew, but I think protecting my peace is priority right now.
This is what people had to say to OP:
Fun_War_7353 said:
If you are arranging an adoption without any further contact for you with the baby then there is no point telling family. This is a least said, soonest mended situation.
OP responded:
We’re still making those decisions. If we do have contact, we will sit down both of our extended families and tell them.
dianae87 said:
NTA. I worked in L&D. The women whose families were aware of the planned adoption ALWAYS tried to talk the parents in to keeping the baby. Thank you! There are so many couples who can’t have children that would be good parents. It still will be emotional but you are doing the right thing for everyone.
DoIwantToKnow6417 said:
NTA. Your body. Your and your husband’s child.
Your and your husband’s decision. No business of anyone else.
And ImAnNPCsoWhat said:
NTA. Keep it quiet. You’re doing the right thing for you and for future baby.
EDIT TO ANSWER SOME COMMON QUESTIONS:
1.) My fiancé and I are seeing and will continue to see a counselor to help us navigate this process and make the best decisions for ourselves and the baby.
2.) No, we are not going to let anyone in our family adopt our child. I don’t think that would be the best decision for anyone for MANY reasons.
3.) I didn’t ask if I was the AH for choosing adoption and I’m not interested in opinions on this. It isn’t an easy decision but it’s the one we’ve come to. Please stick to the topic.
4.) We are NOT planning to keep this a secret from these parts of our families forever. We as a couple who is going through an extremely stressful time want time to get through the last few weeks of my pregnancy, the birth, and the post partum processing that we need.
We’re super aware of DNA testing and how secrets work, in that they don’t. Once we have some room to breathe, we’ll sit everyone down and explain our decisions. But months 8-9 of a high risk pregnancy isn’t the time to have my very religious family members breathing down my neck.
Three weeks later, OP shared this update:
Hello everyone, I recently posted about my (40F) unplanned pregnancy and how I didn’t want to tell certain members of my family because we (myself & my 40M fiancé) had decided to pursue an adoption.
Due to medical complications, our baby ended up being born at 35 weeks. Luckily we were able to get to the amazing hospital with the specialists that we needed prior to her delivery. We had a little girl, and from the time they laid her on my chest in the delivery room, I knew I was in trouble.
So after a LOT of talking between my fiancé and myself, we’ve decided not to go through with the adoption and instead to keep our baby. We’re a stable couple with good jobs, reliable housing, and a great support system, so we’re equipped to do this. And yes, I’ve finished notifying all my family members. They all took it very well, considering the circumstances.
Here’s what people had to say after the update:
Due_Masterpiece_4155
I (36F) had an unplanned pregnancy this year. I didn’t tell anyone about my pregnancy who doesn’t call me on my birthday, ESPECIALLY because I was 24wks pregnant on my birthday this year. I don’t have social media so they couldn’t even find out through the grapevine. I’m tired of going out of my way and sharing my life with people, family or not, who don’t care.
My baby is now 6.5mo old and I still haven’t spoke to most of them, although by now my parents have shared the news with them because they disagree with me about it.
totallydiagnosingyou OP:
The unplanned part was very stressful. A new medication basically turned my birth control into something as effective as Pez. I found out I was pregnant at 28.5 weeks, so no options to do anything but have the baby. I was pretty hysterical at first, and we kept the number of people who knew VERY small. Only people we knew would love and support us no matter what.
I hope things are going well for you and your baby. Sometimes the family we choose for ourselves is the best one.
Bearliz
That’s an awesome update. My dad and 2/3 of my grandkids are adopted so I’m all about that, but it is so much better if a baby can stay with their bio parents. if they can and are able to love and provide for them. Congratulations!
totallydiagnosingyou OP:
My fiancé was himself adopted by a wonderful family, and he had a great upbringing as a result. So it wasn’t like a terrible option, but now it just isn’t something we can do. Thank you for your well-wishes!
LowerIndependence455
Congratulations! I also was planning on adopting my daughter out. However I decided that it wasn’t going to work out for me. I kept her and have never looked back. She is a lawyer and a wonderful mother. The path is a lifelong journey and one that I am sure will bring you many happy memories!
totallydiagnosingyou OP:
Yeah, when I found out I was pregnant at 28 weeks, I also found out I had zero options. I was panicked and emotionally overwhelmed, and also feeling horrible physically. I wasn’t okay, and if I had stayed that way I think adoption would have been the right choice for the baby.
But I got a lot better as I had some time to work through things. And now when I look at her, I just feel so much love. How can I give up something so precious?
marvel_nut
Enjoy parenthood, OP. Loving a baby opens windows into your soul that you didn’t know were there.
ked145
Ohhhh I was so confused. I thought you were going to adopt a baby, but then had a baby. Not you were going to adopt yours out!
Can I ask, why had you planned to adopt the baby out? In a genuinely curious and not at all judgemental way. Was it just because of your age?! Or just because it was unplanned? Sorry I just read the above message 😅😅
You never could, once you’ve met them 🥰
totallydiagnosingyou OP:
My age was a factor, and that I never wanted kids of my own. The way I found out was also pretty traumatic, as I felt like I was trapped with no options. The circumstances were just bad.
I spent a lot of time with it, of course, and I calmed down and thought a lot.
