“AITA for telling my MIL ‘she made her choice’ after she kept my husband’s ex around?”
I (33F) and my husband Tom (35M) have been NC with most of his family for three years. Within those three years, I’ve had twin boys, which has made my MIL try to get back in contact with me. There’s a lot of history, but here’s a brief summary of why Tom and I are NC, and it all revolves around Tom’s ex, who we’ll call Talia
So, I am Indian American, and Tom is white. He comes from a pretty traditional family, and grew up in a “small town”. Talia was MIL’s best friend’s daughter, and they were the small town romance everybody envied.
However, upon meeting in college, Tom and I just clicked on a platonic level, and to be honest, I didn’t even have feelings for Tom until four dates in. I guess you could say he had an “emotional affair”, but he never did anything physically romantic until he broke up with Talia. Talia, of course, remained in contact with his family since she had been (according to MIL) “the daughter she always wanted”.
Keep in mind, Tom HAS A SISTER! But, Talia is more of a homemaker, while my SIL (who is an absolute ANGEL) and I had always been more career focused. Talia had been at every holiday, family gathering, and get together since the very start of the relationship, and at first I paid it no mind. I was civil to Talia because MIL made it clear Talia mattered to her, despite Talia’s blatant distaste and disrespectful attitude towards me. That changed at my weddings. We had two, and my parents footed the bill for both. The dress code was simple, aside from the obvious no white/wedding party colors rule, NOBODY was supposed to wear red. I am well aware that red means you slept with the groom, but more importantly, RED IS A BRIDAL COLOR IN MY CULTURE! I wore a red lehenga and saree to my Indian wedding, which she wore an “eggshell” (off white) dress to (keep in mind, white is worn at funerals to represent purity in my culture). That got my aunties and cousins talking, but I still had a blast since I really didn’t care.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA, MIL made her choice, said she changed but you see she hasn’t on FB, so she doesn’t deserve another chance. There is no endless chances clause, no auto forgive clause or the right to be included for anyone or family. If you don’t behave you don’t get to be included. When you get the chance tell MIL she can be grandma to Talia’s kids.
Not to mention mil has had years before kids arrived to apologize and hasn’t. She just wants access to your kids, even if they are half Indian. Which btw what’s stopping mil from acting like that toward them and putting them down?
Ok-Disaster-1788 (OP)
It is mostly due to my overthinking, I just tend to overthink now (which really wasn’t a problem before having kids). I once spent twenty minutes in the kitchen debating on if Tom thought my feet smelt post birth.
Legit cried, and Tom had to hold me and assure me I didn’t stink. It’s funny now, but back then I was worried about an oncoming divorce because my toes were gross XD Postpartum hormones were haywire and my confidence never fully recovered.
Nine days later, the OP returned with an update.
OK! So, first off, thanks to everybody who supported me on my first post! I just wanted to clarify a few things, since I was in hysterics when I wrote the OG post and worded some things weirdly. First off, Tom didn’t cheat on me.
The timeline goes as followed: Tom and Talia were originally forced to hang out since childhood and Talia developed a crush, the two got together in 7th grade, Tom left for college and met me.
We hung out (just PLATONIC) and had stuff in common (more stuff in common than Talia and he) he went home and broke things off with her, he asked me out the following week, and it took four dates before I actually started to view him as a serious potential partner. See, NO interlap of relationships, NO affair, NO reason for all those comments saying I was an AH for “being the other woman”. Also, thanks for the people who defended me against these people! And before anybody says “you’re being awfully defensive, you must have cheated.” I’m defensive because I view adultery as a crime nobody can come back from. In my culture, adultery is very common (I believe studies showed 55% of married Indians have committed it, and so it is a sensitive subject.
Also to clarify, Talia is the one who wore the white dress to the Indian wedding, and (attempted to wear) the red dress to the American wedding. I know a few people were confused on that too!
So now on to the update!
We have remained NC with MIL! After receiving a few more messages from that number, Tom and I formulated a reply that was along the lines of this: ‘Dear MIL, you have repeatedly showed you don’t care about Tom and I’s feelings regarding multiple things. I’m sorry if our relationship broke apart that fantasy you had with Talia being your DIL, but the fact is it wasn’t going to happen. Talia has been a constant thorn in our relationship, both you and her have been passive aggressive, rude, oblivious, and snide in your remarks and actions towards us. You said you would refuse to come to the weddings if Talia was not invited, which you KNEW would make Tom look bad to my elders, who UNLIKE YOU, have since accepted him as one of our own. You allowed Talia to berate me, comment about me, joke about me, and if I ever tried to ‘joke’ back, you would say ‘that’s not nice, she was just joking’. Funny how ‘jokes’ were pretty one way in that house. You made it VERY clear that TALIA is “the daughter you always wanted’ hence why SIL cut contact when we did. The only reason your sons stay is because they know if they leave, then you’ll die with no kids to mourn you, since you nitpick their wives now that I am no longer around to be the scapegoat. I have screen shots of everything between you and Talia, and texts from the both of you, mocking ones and threatening ones. If you try to come after me for grandparents’ rights, I will get my attorney and I will make sure you keep you away from my family.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Damn doesn’t Talia have a job, a man, kids of her own, a life, her own blood related family or even friends? She is like a parasite attached into every corner of your husband’s wider family so bizarre and pathetic.
Having read your prior post, I honestly think that the response you formulate with your husband, needed to come from him alone. Not because you don’t have every right to speak up, but he needs to do a hell of a lot more to defend you. Hindsight is a thing, but why on earth he didn’t step up and nip all of this in the bud yonks ago, is beyond me.
Also, am genuinely curious here, so no malice meant at all. 🙂 but why is wearing white not ok to an Indian wedding? Obviously I know it is a faux pas here, but didn’t know it was a thing in your culture?
Ok-Disaster-1788 (OP)
Its not that its not ok, each bride is allowed to wear what colors they want. However, we states no white and no red. White is typically worn at funerals in Indian culture, so I personally view wearing white (and all its off-forms) as someone wishing death to the relationship. That’s just personal superstition.
Also, Tom has defended me. He and his sister always put up a united front because Talia was deeply ingrained into the family dynamic. MIL is one of those ‘church ladies’ and Talia is also highly involved with the church, so every nook and cranny had a bit of Talia.
It wasn’t possible to totally cut her off, since at that point in time we wanted to keep his family in his life, we just had to prove I wasn’t leaving. Now, we don’t care, so no more MIL drama.
