“AITA for not waking up early and helping my mother-in-law with chores?”
I (F25) have been married for a year now. It is customary in our culture that women stay with their in-laws after marriage. Before marriage, I didn’t subscribe to this and told my husband (then bf) I wanted to live separately. He agreed since he wanted to live away from his parents and build his own life.
But as a compromise, we would still visit them and stay at their place every few months. It is again customary that DIL helps MIL with household tasks. In our house, mine and my husband’s, we are equals. We do chores together. In my in-laws’ place, his mom always does most of the chores. She was a SAHM, too.
When visiting, I am expected to help her with the chores. Not my husband, just me. I rope him in as well. The primary issue is that everyone there wakes up at 5:30-6 AM. That’s too early for me, even when I have work. I want to sleep in since we go there on my off days. At least till 8-9 AM.
Initially, they didn’t say much about this. Just a bit of snide comments that I let go of. Choose my battles and all. But this morning, my MIL made a big show of how I never helped her with chores.
Let me clarify: She wakes at 6 AM and finishes most tasks by 9 AM. By the time I am awake, it’s all done. I help prep, but that doesn’t count to her. The fact I don’t slave away in the kitchen makes her mad.
When she went on a whole woe-is-me act, my husband, who normally supports me, also got mad at me. He asked why I couldn’t wake up a few days out of a month earlier than I wanted to and help his mom.
When I said he could help his mom since he wakes up anyway, he said that’s not the point. He said he doesn’t ask much of me, and this is the least I can do. Respect his parents when we are staying under their roof.
I got mad and told him I didn’t want to stay under their roof, nor did I have to. With that, I just packed my bags and left that place. Now, my parents and husband are blasting my phone for overreacting. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
IanPKMmoon says:
NTA – It is a completely different culture from where I’m from, but this stupid tradition has no place.
FuzzyMom2005 says:
NTA. He married a woman, not a servant. While it’s nice to help when one is a guest, you’re being treated like a maid. These are HIS parents. He can help them. Isn’t it interesting how you’re expected to respect their customs, but they’re not expected to respect yours (in which the guests are treated as guests, not unpaid help)?
EANx_Diver says:
NTA. You aren’t overreacting and entitled to make these decisions, but you also knew before marriage how things would be. Use your words about how you expect to be treated and what you will and won’t do.
‘When we go to your parent’s home, I don’t mind helping with chores under two conditions. First, I get to sleep in until 8 AM. Second, you’re there next to me helping. This is your mother, after all.’ Ultimately, what matters is if you and your husband can come to an agreement that you both agree is respectful and considerate.
Later OP added this to the post:
Cause I see a lot of comments asking me to help my MIL : no one has anywhere to be. It’s literally the weekend. There is no requirement for things to be done by that time. Other than the fact “it is how we do here”. And I help her meal prep. Cut veggies and everything the night before. I clean the house too, roping in my husband as well (though we literally visit for two days).
Also to people who commented I shouldn’t go then : my initial agreement, before marriage with them and my husband was that I wouldn’t go. I work full time in a different city. I want to relax on weekends. They kept calling, begging and guilttriping. I finally agreed to visit. As in one weekend a month. We go there Friday after office and return Sunday night. That’s literally the entire weekend and duration of stay.
If I wasn’t there, I would be sleeping in till 12 noon of after. Husband knows this well. Because I respect his home I am getting at 8-9. It feels like yet another working day to me. Getting at 6 am is like overtime on a already hectic 12 day week.
To all who are guessing : Yes, I am Indian. From Kerala to be precise. And yeah, I know many other cultures have this in common. Reading each of your stories makes me sadder and braver at the same time.
To everyone who is saying ” You know what you married into. Now do as they want. “, A bit of backstory. I am from the same culture they are. I grew up seeing my mom work harder hours than my dad, get home later and using crowded public transport while my dad used own vehicle, and then make tea for him. It sounds very simple, a tea right? It’s not.
It’s coming on struggling in public transport and as soon as you reach having to go make tea for a man who has reached home from his job 10 mins away in own vehicle. Make him tea and dinner while he watch TV. I know the fights she fought and fate she accepted. I know even after 30 years of marriage she is upset he won’t make her a cup of coffee. Not cause he doesn’t know how to. Cause that’s not how it is done.
Sad for her my grandma also lives with her. I have seen every aspect of toxic patriarchy and how it influences the life of a women. I had front seat view of I may. I decided early on in life I don’t want to get married.
Then comes my DH. He was a friend of mine who grew up in a family deeply rooted in patriarchy too. His mom was SAHM, despite having higher degree than his dad. She couldn’t work cause they relocated every few years for his work. DH used to tell me fond memory where his dad took him to work on Sunday.
He didn’t realise it was cause his mom was exhausted and needed a break, until I pointed it out. He saw patriarchy and its effects only after he met me. It was slow growth, but he did grow.
I told him point blank I don’t want to marry. Cause marriage law sucks. And the expectations from a gf is widely different than wife. He wanted to marry me, for fear of losing me. His parents wanted me to marry him for fear of him losing me and breaking down on that. My parents wanted to marry me off citing reasons such as needing to see my marriage before they die.
And while I don’t like that emotional blackmailing, I knew if I refused and God forbid something happened to either of them, I would hate myself for the rest of my life. Before marriage I made it clear to everyone I refuse to be a traditional wife and DIL. I will be a equal partner to DH. That’s it. They all agreed to this, hence why I got married.
Rest of the begging to visit and expectations of work came after the marriage. Bait and switch mode. Maybe they thought I would agree to everything once I married him. I did compromise, so he gets a good relationship with his parents. I help out at their house. But going to this extreme is in complete violation of our agreement.
Yes. My culture demands a lot from DIL and I am getting the best possible deal. But, more importantly, I didn’t subscribe to this culture. I told them already I refused to. They accepted it. And now they want me to succumb to it.
In the comments OP added this:
The commenter who asked you to add INFO is right. I would have seen it sooner. Sorry for late reply.
This is the main culture around me and at the same time it’s sort of different. I read you asked me cause you wanted to see if it would be easier to change.
I know around 5 women who got divorce in the last year because of these expectations. I am taking about women who have been married for less than 5 years. They initiated the divorce. From that I realise the expectations from DILs, while a bit more evolved remains primarily the same. And DILs aren’t willing to put up with it anymore.
I have two brothers who got married. One of them had a love marriage and another one has an arranged marriage. The women in arranged marriage does most domestic chores my herself and without complaint.
She is loved and revered by every adult in my family. While my love marriage SIL garners hate everyday cause she wants equal participation from my brother. My brother supports her fully, garnering hate and insults himself. I try my best to talk for them and support them, but I am told off for it.
So expectations in culture? Yup. Evolved but basically same. Should work and contribute financially but also take up majority / if not all of the household chores. Should live at, or spend the majority of time at Husband’s parents house. But its also a culture where the women today are refusing to accept it or bend a knee. The culture is that.
Is it hard to change? Men aren’t. They know the rules now. But their parents? It’s hard for them to let go of their life long dream of a caregiving DIL who would serve them.
2 days later OP posted an update:
My husband came home yesterday. He just hugged me for a long while, whispering sorry in my ears. When he pulled back I could see tears in his eyes. It melted any anger I had. And then he told me what happened.
The day before the argument, we had travelled from my place to his, 9 hour journey and reached after 1am. My husband woke at 7.30 AM and found both his parents cooking instead of just mom. Surprised he enquired about it and mom said it was cause they had invited his family from both sides to celebrate Onam with us. They were preparing food for Sadhya. (They have never done this before)
He asked why they didn’t let us know this was the plan. They said it was obvious. DH joined in to help.
At this point, his mom started complaining about me. He told her we got here late and I was exhausted. She went on how that doesn’t matter and normal DILs would still work. He was trying to shrug it off as much as possible.
By the time I was up, cooking was well underway. When I saw them in kitchen, I was surprised and asked something along the lines of “It isn’t finished yet?”. Referring to breakfast having no clue about Sadhya.
She started about how it will be finished since she has no help and how unlucky it is to have another women in the house who don’t lift a finger to help.
I told her we got in late and I just woke up. She said it doesn’t matter and how a loving DIL would wake up early anyways. How she wishes my BIL at least has enough sense to bring in someone better.
That was the last straw for DH. He asked me why I couldn’t get up earlier for two days while we visit them. That’s when everything escalated and I ended up leaving.
He couldn’t leave after me, cause of invited guests. He couldn’t get hold of me on phone and hence called my mom. Cue my parents calling me about over reacting.
He apologised for everything.He cannot imagine losing me and told his parents as much when he left.
I told him I had no idea about Sadhya plans or guests coming and apologised for not staying to discuss it. I also expressed how roof comment was disrespectful especially when I was invited. He apologised.
I accept his apology but has made it clear it can’t be this way anymore. I showed him the post and all the replies. He apologised again.
I told him I have nothing against them. I just don’t want to work on my weekends. Taking advice from the comments I suggested getting a maid if they need help.
He said they don’t need help. They just want me specifically to help. And that he realises it’s wrong and promised to stand up for me more.
From now on we won’t be staying over night at their place. Just lunch or dinner visit. Though preferably outside on neutral grounds or trips.
Hopefully it goes well.
Thank you for all the responses. It gave us a lot to talk and think about.
Here’s what people had to say to OP after the update:
photogames
Him coming home in tears doesn’t negate the fact that he didn’t take up for you when it counted.
KindlyCelebration223
They don’t need/want hired help but think their sons marry women who become their indentured servants at their whim? Um no.
Honestly, it coming off like a power play. Can you serve us enough to prove you are worthy of being in proximity to our family.
Otherwise_Minute_261
You deserve better OP
Later OP added this comment to address feedback:
know a lot of people aren’t happy with the outcome. So let me tell you a bit about the reality I am living in.
I married him. Under Indian Law. And we are living in the Indian society.
I am NC with my mother’s father. Cause he is a toxic AH who pushed me to light crackers when fully drunk himself and I was 10 years old. I was crying that night. And he was verbally a%$#^ve to both my parents and me on multiple occasions.
I still get s^%$ from everyone in my family for not talking to him. For not visiting him. Guilt tripping. I can’t tell them everything he has done cause that would make them hate my mom too.
This sounds irrelevant, but it is to show what exactly my life is like.
In this case, the issue is I want to sleep a couple hours longer without getting insulted for that.
Other than trusting my husband and keeping my boundaries, what are my options?
Ask him to pick a side? Effectively ruin his relationship with his family? With people who raised him?
He will resent me too. If his family act more polite, it will be an act. It won’t help. And DH will always have this one over me “I chose you over my family”. That’s one hell of a guilt trip card
Other option? Leave relationship? Divorce?
No court in India will give a divorce on these grounds. And I am sure he will fight like hell not to give me divorce. That means years of court case. In India, it can be 18+ years. Over one argument.
Let’s assume he does relent and gives me divorce. My family will kick me out. Divorce on grounds of one argument over a couple of hours of sleep, something he apologised about, won’t fly with them.
Let’s imagine they support me, then what? Let me tell you. Constantly asking me to find another partner. At every family reunion and function.
And even if I want someone, it won’t be easy. Divorcee is a taboo word here. Slimmer pickings.
And then the fact I got divorce to sleep in. It won’t fly with majority of guys or families. So what? Compromise?
Let’s say I get another perfect match. No proof they won’t pull this crap after marriage. Then what? Divorce again? Re do the entire thing?
Easier choice is to stay alone. I don’t need anyone. But I won’t be left alone in any family gathering either. Constant harassment mean it’s better to stay home. So basically socially ostracized.
All this is not counting the gossip, rumour, unwanted attention I will have to encounter at every freaking place cause there is no man in my life.
While none of this is why I forgave him, I want you to understand reality a bit more.
I forgave him because I know the guy he is. He is the person who decided to let me sleep in. Who cries at the thought of losing me but never cries even when his grandfather died or mother verbally ab&^%s him. His tears isn’t an act. I know him.
What he did was wrong. But it isn’t worth throwing both our lives away.
