“I caught my husband having an affair with one of our good friends…’
I’ve suspected things had been going on for a while, but kept brushing it off—I thought he would never do that to me. Since around April, he’s been refusing my attempts to be intimate most of the time, sitting differently on the couch to where he’s facing away from me… little things.
It’s with one of our good friends. She came to my house a few weeks ago. She’s texted me. She’s pretended to be there for me. I found out because I rolled over and they were having a Snapchat conversation. She said she wished she could be there to hold him and he summarized that I tried to seduce him last night and mocked it.
I confronted him and he admitted it. He said that it was because quarantine was stressful. He does not want to work things out. He thinks of me “only as a friend in his heart.” When I told her husband, he confronted her and apparently they actually kissed back in February. I think at that moment, I was never going to be enough for him.
We used to be so so so happy. The week before they kissed, we celebrated Valentine’s Day together. He bought us a nice bottle of wine for our anniversary. We had fun, we were perfect.
I don’t know where to go from here. We’ve been married only about a year. I feel like he took so much from me and doesn’t even want to go to therapy or work this out. I don’t want to leave my house but everywhere in it I see him. He chose her. I’ve been cheated in every relationship I’ve ever been in. He was supposed to be my forever.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve made therapy appointments but I was also laid off last month, so I have too much free time to analyze every single moment where he might have been lying to me or where I made myself pathetic trying to cling to him. How do I start to get through this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Finn_Finite said:
Lawyer first. Get the divorce filed, and get their advice on if it’s ok for you to leave the house while things are processing. As for the other, you need to fill your time. Devote yourself to hobbies, including picking up new ones. Rely on friends – long video calls, watching movies together, etc. Fill as much of your time as you can until things start to process.
I’m so sorry he gave up on you without even trying, hon. You deserve far better than that. It’s a shame some people are so good at hiding how little respect they have for other folk, but please hold onto the fact that none of this was your fault. There is absolutely zero reason for a partner to cheat, ever, and there is absolutely no justification that can put even a shred of the blame on you.
0biterdicta said:
You can’t go to therapy and work this out. It only gets worked out if both people want to put the effort in, and your husband has made it very clear he’s not interested in trying to make the relationship work. He directly told you that. You need to find a lawyer and file for divorce.
Rifter0876 said:
Call a lawyer. Relationships take two and he’s clearly done.
Leogirly said:
Have a mantra to help you when things get overwhelming. “I’m going to be okay. This sucks but I’m going to be okay.” “I am a loyal, trustworthy, hardworking woman, I deserve the same in return.” “I am beautiful, I am confident, I am worthy.”
Even if you don’t feel they are true in this moment, it will help to say them out loud until they hold truth to you. I’m sorry you are going through this. You can’t trust this man anymore and he is not willing to compromise with you. You deserve better.
CatBlep4life said:
I was where you are 5 years ago. My husband leaving me and subsequent divorce was very sudden and traumatic. It took time but eventually I got my emotional crap together and life went on.
You’ll be thrown for a loop for a while but what absolutely will help is cutting both people out completely. No “gaining closure talks”, no coffee dates to catch up, no late night texts etc. Block them on all social media and step back from mutual friends.
Make sure you are serious in your conviction that your husband is a stranger who doesn’t deserve your time. Same goes for your “friend”. That means they aren’t allowed to weasel their way back into your life.
You loving either one of them is not an excuse to let them back in your life. You have to accept and understand that fact. One or the other will want some form of contact at some point, they don’t deserve that from you. Throw yourself into hobbies, friends, getting a new job, exercising whatever.
Chazzyphant said:
Wow I’m so sorry. I notice one line that stands out: “I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve been in.” That really sticks out to me. There’s something going on. Yes, it’s the dudes’ fault. But this + “everything was perfect a month ago…”
It says that perception isn’t lining up with reality for you and you have a really well developed coping mechanism for overlooking flaws in people and maybe excusing red flags or problems.
I can’t really speculate where that came from, but usually people who were told or shown “reality is what you make it and I insist it be okay!” (my mom was like this) are expert excuse makers, reform school for bad boys matrons, and live pretty deep in denial—I know because I was one.
Also people struggling with their own stuff sometimes pick troubled friends as well and tolerate, overlook, forgive or excuse messed up stuff. A good therapist can work with you to unravel the reasons that led to this in terms of things that you maybe excused or forgave or missed/ignored so it never happens again.
UPDATE:
First of all, I just want to thank everyone here for the support I received following my first post back in August. At the time, it truly felt like my world was ending. It was important to me to make this update because I need to tell anyone who’s currently going through the same thing—IT GETS BETTER. You will get so much better.
I had one conversation with my husband since everything happened—by his choice. It lasted maybe five minutes and was like talking to a robot. I know from others that he cries to people about how he ruined his life, but I have never once gotten an apology or the same show of regret. At this point, I don’t care.
I know him and the other woman are still seeing each other and frankly, they deserve each other. Good for them. While I still feel angry occasionally, I no longer mourn what I once had. Instead, I’m so excited for the life I now get to live. I moved to a small walkable city and gave myself my dream apartment.
It makes me so happy to see how I’ve decorated it and to just live in a cozy place instead of our old dreary house. I was the breadwinner in our marriage, and he would make me feel awful about wanting to pay for nice meals or do fun things. Since moving here, I’ve done a ton of foodie fun stuff and don’t feel guilty. It’s so refreshing.
I have dipped my toe into the dating pool again and had plenty of mediocre dates from dating apps. Recently, I found someone who I’ve really clicked with and am enjoying how appreciated and desired he’s made me feel. It’s definitely early and we’re moving slow, but overall, dating has made me realize that I’m a catch who doesn’t have to settle.
Therapy has done wonders and I’m so happy I immediately dove into it. My therapist is proud of me. I’m proud of me. I’ve stopped looking at being divorced as a failure. He failed—not me. I’m genuinely happy and excited to wake up each morning and no longer feel like this terrible weight is sitting on my chest.
The holidays were surprisingly easy and I found myself so happy to spend time with my family without having to compromise anything. So all in all, life is good and there’s so much of it ahead. Looking back, I can’t believe I wasted so much time thinking about how I could get him to come home. I’ve made my own home and my own happiness and that is worth so so much more.
Here’s what people had to say to OP was the first update:
Wazowskiie said:
I’m going though a breakup that has left me feeling lost and broken. This gives me so much hope for the future. Tomorrow morning my journey begins as I go talk to a therapist for the first time and begin the road to recovery. Thank you for being so strong and sharing your story so others may find their strength through you. You’re amazing.
laur7 said:
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY. GOOD FOR YOU, OP!! You rock.
Paynus1982 said:
Yay!!!!!!!! Congrats!!! There’s nothing like living alone in your own, perfect space, amirite?
Not_Overmind said:
I am so happy you are in a happy and healthy place.
B52Bombsell said:
I’m so happy for you. Women have the capacity to really bounce back and come out in a better state. Your ex husband will come back begging, and I’m not kidding. He will come with his hat in his hand. Be prepared for it.
emmikah said:
I’m so proud of you, you’ve been strong and come out the other side putting yourself first and being happy.
FINAL UPDATE:
Wow. I can’t believe this happened over five years ago now. In some ways, it feels like it happened to me in a different life. I still get messages asking about this and figured I could add some insight into how life can look a few years down the line after everything gets completely and utterly wrecked. Good news—If you put in the work, it looks pretty great.
First of all—where is my ex husband now? I haven’t had contact with him since September of 2020 and largely don’t keep track of things but I can see that this man still follows me on Instagram and watches all of my stories. I considered blocking him, but just let it be. I think it’s the petty part of me who’s living a full life that’s fine with rubbing it in a bit.
He and the affair partner did get married after a whoopsie kid and I’m pretty sure they had another. But they also both lost their jobs as teachers (he got her a job at his school, so she was working with an entire staff that knew they had an affair) and had to move to the middle of nowhere.
Last I heard of them, the affair partner had been texting his former best friend unhinged rants about not including them in get togethers or allowing my ex-husband to be a groomsman in his wedding.
But enough about them, because they already took up way too many pages in my story. When we last left off, I think I had just moved to a new city (shoutout to Richmond, VA!) and was largely just finding myself again. I think the change of scenery was the best thing that I did for myself.
I was never meant to live in the suburbs and moving to a beautiful little city where I can walk to coffee shops, bakeries and bookstores honestly helped my mental health as much as the therapy. I bought a house here a couple years ago and have really settled in.
Then I got my puppy, a corgi named Bilbo Baggins who really is the true love of my life. He is the greasiest thing to happen to me and is just such a fantastic chonky guy. We go to a local dog park with a bar all the time and he even has his own lil’ dog social group. Kids aren’t something I plan on, so he is basically my son.
It hasn’t all been perfect. My dad died, my best friend moved across the country, and I largely haven’t really been dating much the past couple of years. Dating hasn’t been a huge priority for me and my friends say that I’m probably too picky. I say that I know what it’s like to be in a marriage with someone who might love you but doesn’t like you and it’s worth not settling.
But while I may be single, I am fulfilled and busy. My birthday is Saturday and I’ll be spending it in Paris at a Lady Gaga concert. I saw Sabrina Carpenter in Amsterdam, Taylor Swift in Lyon, Springsteen in Edinburgh, Noah Kahan at Fenway Park. Earlier this year I was able to visit Katmai National Park and see the brown bears in the falls. I have a DnD group and a really amazing village of people I love.
I would not be in this headspace if I didn’t go to therapy and work out the why of me settling for this man in the first place. True story: When planning our honeymoon in New Zealand, I, of course, had to plan the entire thing despite him picking the location. He refused to do any driving, so we had to do a guided tour that left on specific dates.
He pretended to not be able to get a day off of work when we needed to leave until I started crying and begging him to just ask his boss for it because literally no other flights worked. That’s when he said he actually always had the day off but wanted to make sure I was actually working hard enough to choose good flights.
Anyway, I chose to marry… that and it was a lot to unpack in therapy. But I’m glad I did because without it I don’t think I’d have built this life for myself. At the end of the day, what happened set me up to live a happier life than what I was living so in some ways, I’m thankful for the experience, crappy as it was.
If you’re in the middle of something terrible, unfair, and world-shattering to you, just know that it’s not forever. While this experience has made me a bit of a believer in karma, I also know that there was a lot of work to get myself out of that big black mental hole.
Sometimes it seemed that I would slide back in it but by looking forward and figuring myself out, I eventually clawed my way out. I think you can too—and that you’re worth fighting for.
Here’s what people had to say to OP about the final update:
ProfDavros said:
Congratulations….the honeymoon travel story sounded nuts. That level of manipulation would do me in. May you live, All the days, Of your life.
twilightswimmer said:
I love all the experiences you’ve had! My husband and I are going to Katmai next summer (we won the Brooks Lodge Lottery for 4 nights) and I cannot wait. It’s bucket list. I remember your original story and update. It seems so long ago. He made his choices. You are making yours. Life is good. <3.
mishathepenguin said:
Congratulations! My corgi and I wish you the best. They really are the greatest buddies!
ellodees said:
You honestly sound like you’re living my dream life. Traveling, friends who DnD, cute dog, walkable city. Enjoy the life you worked hard to make for yourself!
