“AITA for asking my wife to help with our kids even though she says it’s my responsibility now?”

I (36M) and my wife, Sally (37F), have been together for five years and have two boys—Nick (4M) and Ivan (2M). Sally moved to my state to be with me, but she never found a job that was a good fit, so she’s been home since we had Nick.

When Nick was born, she wanted to breastfeed but struggled, so we switched to formula while she tried pumping. Because she was recovering and pumping, she said she couldn’t handle night feedings, so I did every single one.

She also felt overwhelmed being alone with Nick during the day, so my sister (who lives 45 minutes away) started watching him. I handled almost all the pickups and drop-offs.

Even with that, I still did all the bathing and feeding at night. When Ivan was born, it was the same story—but even more extreme. Sally never once got up at night with him. Not one single time.

Now, both boys are in daycare, and I handle waking them up, getting them ready, taking them to daycare, working, picking them up, and bringing them home. Meanwhile, Sally mops once a week, does laundry, and makes dinner—though dinner is usually boxed mac & cheese for the boys and something air-fried for us.

I’m exhausted. When I get home, I can’t really do anything until the boys are in bed because Sally rarely takes care of them alone. We’ve had multiple fights about this, and in the past, she’s said she “doesn’t want the kids” and even talked about divorce.

A few months ago, during another fight, she changed her tune and said that if we split, she wanted to take Ivan. I shut that down immediately—not only because the boys are extremely close, but also because she’s never even woken up at the same time as them before. I don’t trust her to take care of Ivan alone.

About a month ago, I finally told Sally I need help—any help. Even just getting out of bed when the boys wake up to help feed them, change them, or get them into the car. She said she’d try. It’s been over a month. Nothing has changed.

I brought it up again, and she got defensive, saying I don’t appreciate what she does do. She also said mopping is hard and hurts her body, so there’s no way she can do more with the kids.

Then she told me that since I insisted on keeping both kids if we ever divorced, it’s my responsibility now—and I deserve to be exhausted. I don’t know what to think. I’m tired. I just want some help. But maybe I really am being an AH for asking? AITA?

OP edited to add info:

My wife has had counseling multiple times including EMDR. We did couples counseling as well. Nothing has helped. I also did some talk therapy and am planning to start again. Also she refuses to even consider medication.
Wife is not originally from this country and was disappointed in the help she received from my family. Also she is resentful at having given up her friends and life on her city to move in with me. She feels like she never should have moved here.
Also she does do some light cleaning. So the house is not a disaster. We have robot vacuum that helps with the main level. We’ve mostly had to hire someone to come clean every few weeks though.
Also going to add that this is her third marriage and this is my first. She’s shown a pattern in the past of running away from problems. But before getting married we discussed that.

Regarding planning for kids, we took an “if it happens, it happens” approach. We were excited when we found out. It truly did seem like she was ready and wanted to be a mother. And yes it was only about a year and a half from the time she moved here to when we had Nick
Her parents helped her buy a home in her old city. When she moved here she sold that small home and it paid for about half of our first home together.
I have since paid for all of our bills, mortgage, and spending. The power dynamics have always been a bit off because she brought cash, but I brought significant income but with low savings.
She is an only child and had a rather traumatic childhood with her parents. While I’m one of ten children and generally have had a good relationship with my family and parents.

She grew up in China and moved here in college. So there’s quite a bit different culturally as well
She says that I’m a bad husband and shouldn’t be this tired. She rather convincingly makes it sound like I’m in the wrong and am not doing enough or don’t appreciate her enough.
She said that often women in China that have children go to centers for new mothers where they have full time help for awhile after a child is born. She was not pleased with her experience here

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

AdBitter4706

NTA. Divorce her, get sole custody, and sue her for child support. You have already been a single father for the last years, it can only get better.

Critical_Armadillo32

That’s the perfect solution, except right now she doesn’t work. It will be interesting to see what happens if he follows through. Maybe she’ll learn if she gets out on the street without a home, that she needs to make a contribution in life and not just take, take, take.

Eastern_Effective_87

Will she have to leave the country if you divorce?

Usual-Tune-8321 OP:

No, she became a full citizen through her 1st marriage. This is her 3rd marriage and my 1st

V4STM1ND

There is real risk that OP is not awarded full custody

Usual-Tune-8321 OP:

This is what I’m most worried about. I live in a state that heavily favors mothers over fathers in custody cases

MobileRub1606

NTA. Tell her that since she doesn’t want to be a wife or mother, she needs to leave.

pepperpat64

Did she even want children?

Ehy350

Sounds like you’ve been a single parent and she’s just a lazy freeloader. I don’t see what she contributes at all. A tiny bit of housework is rather lame. Shame on her.

Honestly I don’t believe you are a reliable narrator. There are far too many plot holes.

Usual-Tune-8321 OP:

Understandable. Two sides to every story as they say. I honestly have done everything I’ve said. Getting into all of the nuances of our arguments and her feelings just isn’t possible in this kind of context. She hasn’t even changed a diaper since Nick was a newborn.

I have as fairly as I believe possible described what she does at home and what I do to take care of the kids

“AITA for asking my wife to help with our kids even though she says it’s my responsibility now?”