“WIBTA if I end my marriage while we have a toddler and a baby?”
My wife (28f) and I (29m) have been together for 11 years and we have known each other for 22 years. We got married 6 years ago and we now have a 2 and a half year old and a 5 month old together. Our marital issues really started when our oldest was a year old. But the first time she accused me of cheating was when she was pregnant the first time.
At the time it seemed to be an isolated incident and I thought we had worked through it. But she has become so paranoid and argumentative because of her suspicions. She is bringing this into my workplace and taking the risk that I could be fired.
I have never ever cheated on her. I have never cheated on anyone. Nor have I almost cheated or suggested I would cheat. She claimed the first time she grew suspicious was because her friend was just cheated on and it made her worried I would do the same or was doing the same and making a fool out of her because nobody knew about her friend’s boyfriend.
She also said it was likely just the pregnancy hormones making her crazy. When she started accusing me after the birth of our oldest I was told she should be checked for PPD and given some grace because newly postpartum time is confusing and difficult. She was cleared for PPD but the cheating suspicion was there.
I have tried to work through this but she has always refused marriage therapy or solo therapy. I attended some to try and figure out ways to work through this. But she grew even more deeply paranoid when she became pregnant with our second child. I know people will ask why have another child with this going on and it was because I thought yet again we had come through and we talked about adding to our family.
But she admitted to me she never really believed me when I said I didn’t cheat and she just wanted all her kids to be full siblings so she was willing to ignore it until she was done having kids. She has lied multiple times about trusting me and not tracking me.
She will claim she was home with the kids or at a mom and baby/toddler group when really she’s checking on where I’m eating lunch and going to my car to check for signs of cheating while it’s parked at work. She does this at home too.
She has started calling my office and asking who I’m with and whether I’m in the office or not. She even accused my boss of being my same sex affair partner. I was lucky that he was understanding but she accused him of stealing a married father from his family. When I do any grocery shopping she believes I’m using it as a cover to cheat.
She has yelled at and called me a disgusting pig when I went and grabbed diapers of formula from the store. I could be gone for 5 minutes and she’ll still believe I was fooling around with someone in that time.
She wants me to tell her everything I do from the second I wake up in the morning to the second I fall asleep. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her where I’ve been and who I’ve been with. The fact there are women in my office bothers her too. Her family have even noticed how bad she is.
Sometimes she will go to their house and stare at her tracking app on her phone to see if I’m moving. She’s able to maintain other elements of her life. But this has reached a point where I’m done. I feel like she’s seconds away from assaulting me some days and she’s always so quick to try fight with me.
A few days ago I told her this can’t continue and we need to figure out a way for her to get help and believe me or it needs to end. She told me I can’t destroy our family now and to think about the future babies she wants. She told her family and they all said I can’t leave while we have a literal baby and to think about my kids’ future and the trauma of having divorced parents.
My wife will absolutely not go to therapy. She has refused each and every time. She has not been diagnosed with PPD and her OB and her regular doctor do not see any other signs of it except for her accusations.
I feel like I could lock myself in the house or sit in front of her all day every day and she would still accuse me of cheating. Our close by support system (her family) all say this will get better and I need to stick it out and divorce would be awful when our kids are so young but I don’t see how we continue. It’s volatile and I fear she will assault me and I am not saying that lightly.
WIBTA if I end my marriage over this? Do I need to wait longer and fight harder even though I feel I risk this becoming a DV situation? I did not have a healthy family life growing up so I may be too sensitive to it but I no longer see a way forward. And if I lose my job we’re all going to suffer even more.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
oop_norf
She doesn’t need therapy, she needs actual medical help – she’s not in a bad mood, she’s paranoid and delusional, literally, not figuratively. What’s not clear to me is how you can get her the sort of non-optional intervention that this is likely to require without things getting to a more serious crisis point first.
Morally though, you’re NTA, but your focus needs to be on yourself and your children and keeping all three of you safe from her.
Otherwise_Chemist920
How do you live like this? You should have given her the therapy or divorce ultimatum already. Your wife is controlling and ab^%$ve. You don’t want your kids thinking this is how normal relationships should be. Your only option here is to leave.
You sure as hell shouldn’t be putting more kids in this psycho. She will f^%$ them up if she becomes that controlling as a parent. You need to talk to a lawyer.
Grayloryn OP:
I live very uneasily. But I have tried to take my vows seriously and I have tried to look out for my wife and my children. Growing up the way I did I wanted to do the best by my family the way nobody in my family did for me or each other. I just don’t see a way to do that now and to raise happy and healthy children. They don’t deserve to see the way their mother treats me or to grow up in a home of DV.
Eaups87
NTA if you get a divorce. This is unbearable to you and it’s not healthy for your kids or her. If you think she can get better do you maybe want to separate?
Grayloryn OP:
I don’t feel like separation will do anything. A part of me wishes I saw that as a valid way forward but I don’t think it truly would be. The kids are well taken care of even when she’s the most paranoid. She takes the kids with her though when she’s spying on me. I think that could escalate and I would hate for my kids to be in danger.
YoungCheazy
Talk to a lawyer before doing anything. So not leave then talk to a lawyer. Talk to a lawyer to learn how to leave. You have kids that you must protect. A job you must protect. Assets you must protect. Do it fast, but do it in the right order.
Grayloryn OP:
That’s what I plan to do. I have a free appointment already booked to at least talk through different options I have.
lordplagus02
I would stage an intervention with all of her friends and family to convince her to immediately seek medical advice and accept she has a mental illness of some kind. If she still refuses, divorce. The “trauma of a divorce” for kids that are barely sentient is a nonsensical lie to guilt you into staying. Do what you need to do, now.
Grayloryn OP:
I don’t have her family on side to really do this. They’re aware but they are not taking it as serious as they should be. One of her friends would but she has already voiced concerns and my wife dismissed those.
Repulsive_Location
People who encourage others to stay married “for the sake of the children” were never those children. They don’t know what it is like to be raised by two miserable people who may (or not) try unsuccessfully to hide their despair and resentment. Your children deserve better. So do you. Leave now, get a DNA test, and if they are your children, seek custody.
Grayloryn OP:
Even if the concerns about them not being mine biologically are true, they are still my children. I love them, I have been raising them, I am on their birth certificates and I would not abandon them. That’s just not an option to me.
Eat_Around_the_Rosie
While it’s good you won’t abandon them, getting that DNA test may or may not answer your questions why she’s behaving this way.
If kids are yours, then she might have mental issues. If the kids aren’t yours, then she was projecting the entire time.
Grayloryn OP:
It could. But I think either way there is something more than just guilt because she cheated going on. I will consider a DNA test but I truly think the kids are mine biologically.
FillLess8293
Brain tumor?
Grayloryn OP:
I have no way of knowing. She won’t seek any help for any of this and I can’t get help without her seeking it or her doing something that requires immediate action, which apparently this is not. At least on the medical/therapy side.
