“AITA for telling my father and his girlfriend to either break up or leave me alone?”
For context, my father is dating a younger woman who openly wants to have kids. He has three adult children and, also openly, doesn’t want more. Some time ago, they decided to wait a few years to see if either of them would change their minds about it, otherwise they’d break up. I told my father it was a bad idea, but he didn’t care.
I’m pregnant. This will be my and my husband’s first baby, as well as the first grandchild on both sides, so we’re all very excited. But my father’s girlfriend has been extremely over-the-top. She takes every shot she can to try to get “involved” in my pregnancy. To give a few examples, she calls me almost every day with name suggestions or “parenting tips.”
Anytime I tell her and my father about something I’m planning for my baby, she feels the need to explain what she’d do or buy instead. She frequently asks me whether I’m having a boy or a girl, because apparently she has different shopping lists for both (we know the gender and name, but won’t announce either until the baby is here).
She has asked whether she can attend one of my ultrasounds to “see what it’s like.” Dealing with her has been very overwhelming. Even if she is just being caring, we were never even remotely close before my pregnancy, so she’s been making me very uncomfortable.
On Saturday, I stopped by my father’s place to pick up some of my old stuff. When I got there, he was having an argument with his girlfriend. They said it had to do with my baby, so they explained it to me: my father’s girlfriend wanted him to turn either the guest bedroom or the home office into a nursery, to make it easier for them to babysit my child.
My father didn’t want to get rid of either. I tried to be polite about it at first. I told them I wasn’t planning on having them babysit, and I probably wouldn’t use their hypothetical nursery when there was a perfectly good one over at my place.
But my father’s girlfriend said they had been waiting so long for there to finally be a baby in the family, and she wanted to “spend as much time as possible” with my child. That’s when I lost my patience. I said I understood they disagreed on having a baby, but that it wasn’t my problem.
So I told them to either break up or leave me alone, because I’m done dealing with this. The next day, my father called me. He said he understood I was frustrated and that he agreed his girlfriend has been going too far, but argued that she’s just excited and trying to help me, and I’m being rude to her for denying it so firmly.
He’s especially upset about what I said because his relationship is none of my business, and I had no right to comment on it. My husband’s on my side, and so is my brother. My sister is pretty neutral. The more I think about it, the more mixed my feelings on this get. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
unimpressed46 wrote:
NTA. The gf is the one being rude by trying to shove herself into your pregnancy experience. Setting up a nursery without even asking you is wild behavior. Time to put a stop to her involvement because she’s going to keep pushing. The woman has some crazy baby fever.
OP responded:
She’s had baby fever for years. I genuinely don’t know why she’s still dating my father.
Carlosisgaming wrote:
NTA. You’re growing an actual human, not running a community project for your dad’s girlfriend to LARP as a grandmother. She’s not family, you weren’t close before, and now she’s inserting herself into everything like she’s on the guest list for your uterus.
It’s perfectly reasonable to set boundaries — especially when she starts demanding nursery space in a house that doesn’t even have a babysitting gig lined up. Your dad can be in whatever relationship he wants, but that doesn’t mean you have to let his girlfriend rehearse for a baby she’s not having. Let her decorate a Sims nursery and move on.
OP responded:
The fact she said she wanted to set up a nursery really freaked me out. I had given my father the ok to put a bassinet in the guest bedroom in case we needed it, but a whole a^% nursery for a baby that won’t live there?
unexpectedlytired wrote:
NTA. Honestly, I don’t think you should have ever let her become so involved considering she’s trying to live vicariously through you or may want to use your child to convince our dad to have more.
I would set hard boundaries and keep her away from your family. The odds of her being long term are slim given the fact that she wants kids and your dad doesn’t. No sense in letting her into your child’s life much even if she weren’t so crazy.
OP responded:
I try to keep her at arm’s length, but she’s so pushy it’s not even funny. The way things are now is already an improvement. Not too long ago, she was trying to get her family involved as well.
NataliasMaze wrote:
NTA and inform your father you had every right to comment on their relationship since she’s been nonstop commenting on yours (your baby is part of your and your husbands relationship, and things like a freaking nursery and names and whatever are definitely PARENT things).
OP responded:
She knows we’ve already picked the name, and I’ve reminded her of that more than once. She doesn’t care.
Eight days later, OP shared an update.
Hey, everyone.
I went through your comments and took the time to reflect a little more about this. I think I was too tired and frustrated when I wrote my first post, so I wanted to have a clear head before dealing with everything.
As exhausting as it has been to deal with my father’s girlfriend, I know how to manage it. Calls can be ignored, messages can be muted, and excuses can be made. I’ve done all of the above before.
The real problem is the point it’s gotten to. I strongly believe in only cutting ties as a last resort, so the fact I actually considered blocking her (I’ve only done that to three people before, and they did a lot worse than she did) scared me a little. I don’t care what decisions my father and his girlfriend make about their relationship. I know what I’d do in their shoes, but I don’t have to tell them that.
They’re both adults who should know what they’re doing by now. But whatever they do, I can’t let it affect me and my child. And when I told my father I was done dealing with this, I meant it. My father and I had lunch together on Tuesday, and I decided to bring this up. The first thing I told my father was that, moving forward, I won’t share any information about my pregnancy with his girlfriend.
And after I’ve given birth, she won’t babysit or be left alone with my baby at any point, nor should she expect to get more pictures or information than my father will get. He wasn’t happy with that, but I didn’t leave a lot of room for argument. My father did, however, try to spin it into a discussion about how I don’t like his girlfriend and act too cold to her.
That is not true, nor is it the first time we had that discussion. He’s always hated the fact that me and his girlfriend aren’t close. Once that was done, I told my father that as much as I don’t care what he decides to do, his relationship problems have spilled into my and my baby’s lives, so I do have the right to comment on it.
I told him that he needs to understand that even if he changes his mind about having kids one day, he doesn’t really have a deadline to figure that out. His girlfriend is 40 years old and very clearly wants kids. At the very least, they need to have an actual conversation about what they both want and decide how to proceed.
But whatever they do, she won’t get her motherhood fix through my child. My father agreed with me in the end. He said he’d talk to her, but I don’t expect to hear more about this anytime soon. Additionally, no plans for a potential nursery at his place are moving forward. He didn’t want that either, so it wasn’t hard to get him to promise that.
I’m not going to lie, I don’t think this will end well for them. If they choose to stay together, at least one of them will end up unhappy. But like I told my father, I’m done. They’re not my problem anymore. My only concern from now on will be making sure my baby is safe. Whatever happens, I have what it takes to deal with it. Thank you guys for everything.
Here’s what people had to say after the update:
Alarmed-Audience-407 wrote:
Good for you! The ball is in your dad’s court now. If he loves you and wants to keep a relationship with you and your baby then he needs to tell his girlfriend to respect your boundaries and back off! If he even tries to say “let’s talk about this” or “compromise” then I would tell your dad that was his last chance for now and go NC until he can grow a pair and make his girlfriend respect your wishes.
OP responded:
I still stand by the idea of NC only being fair if nothing else works. My father knows what he needs to do here. But I do agree with you, and I’ll stand my ground on this.
Significant_Bed_293 wrote:
I am happy you drew this boundary. This is his problem, and he made it yours when he failed to deal with his girlfriend first. You do not need the extra stress during pregnancy! I hope you have a healthy pregnancy, wishing you all the best!
OP responded:
Thank you so much! I’m due pretty soon, so I’m more worried about how things will be once I’ve given birth. But I’m pretty happy with how this turned out. Their problems were weighing down on me more than I realized.
xXMimixX2 wrote:
It’s great that there are now boundaries in place. Hopefully, he and the girlfriend understand this and will adhere to it. Personally, the relationship is not fair and should end. As she wants kids and he doesn’t. If interests and values don’t align, one definitely will end up unhappy and even could start to resent the other.
But for sure, not your problem or ours. They are adults, who are making their own decisions. But 40 is already considered high risk, when pregnant. So, hopefully he really has a talk with her about that.
OP responded:
I don’t think it’s fair either, but I don’t feel sorry for them. I always thought the compromise they came to 4 years ago was very selfish.
Cute_Recognition_880 wrote:
Your father is being unfair to the gf about having a baby but that’s on the gf to cope with. You’re right to be cautious about who spends time alone with your baby. There are some crazies out there and gf could be one of them.
You’ve made some great decisions about baby, which should set your mind at ease. Congratulations on your pregnancy and have a happy, healthy baby..continue to take care of you.
OP responded:
I think both are being unfair. She’s deliberately staying with an older guy who doesn’t want more children instead of finding someone else who does. They both expect their partner to change their minds on this in a way that will only benefit them.
A little over 6 months later OP returned with a “final update.”
Hey, everyone. I remember telling myself I’d write one final update once it was all over, and then I completely forgot about it. Life has been chaotic.
My father did talk to his girlfriend back in August, and he said she had told him she understood. It didn’t seem that way from my end, but at least she’d stopped calling me. At that point, I was too pregnant and too tired to not take that as a win. I didn’t hear much about them for the next few weeks, but I was told that they had started having problems again.
My daughter was born in November. We originally didn’t want visitors, but my husband and I did end up deciding to make exceptions for both our mothers. No one else came. My father and his girlfriend met the baby a couple days after we brought her home.
She saw my daughter twice, and was hard to deal with both times. Wanting to hold her all the time and hesitating to give her back to us, asking to change her diaper (which I shut down), pictures every 30 seconds.
During the second visit, I said I needed something from the pharmacy, and she tried to convince me to let her watch my baby while my father and I went to get it. I said it wasn’t urgent and I’d ask my husband to get it on his way home.
Two weeks after that, they broke up. That was in early December, and I didn’t get details until right before Christmas. My father did talk to me about it a little, but he told my aunt everything, and I got most of the information I have from her.
They started fighting around September because my father’s girlfriend had bought some baby stuff, including a highchair, baby-proofing kits, diapers and a baby memory book, which she had already filled with some of my information and the last ultrasound picture I sent my father.
She said she was planning to use that to hopefully convince me to let her babysit. My father thinks she was also trying to convince him to let her set up a nursery again.
They apparently broke up for about a week back in 2024, because I had gotten engaged and she tried to use that to convince him they should have kids. According to my father, they got back together because they “loved each other too much” to give up on what they had. At my wedding later that year, she told my aunt she couldn’t wait for me to have a baby.
The actual breakup was dragged out for so long because none of their fights never went anywhere. Knowing my father, I’m not surprised. About a week after the second time they visited my daughter, he and his girlfriend tried to invite us over, but we’d already made plans.
That was when she accepted that not only was I not willing to leave her alone with my daughter, but she also would not be seeing my baby as frequently as she wanted to. They broke up for good a few days later.
I haven’t heard much from my father’s now ex since. She tried to ask me for pictures of my daughter around Christmas, which was when I blocked her. That was pretty much it. My relationship with my father is also a little less tiring than usual.
But the best part of all of this is that I was not told about anything until AFTER it was all over. At the very least, my request to be left alone was respected. Best of all, I didn’t have to keep up with that drama while I was pregnant.
I’ll be done with my maternity leave in March, so for now I’m getting to know my daughter. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love this child. Sometimes I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. Again, thank you guys for everything. This is my last post.
Here’s what people had to say after the update:
brainybrink
I wonder if she thought that you’d hear her thoughts on parenting and see the scrapbook and legitimately just think “Wow, she’s really expert at this… I’ll just give her my baby.” As though that was going to be the outcome… so she kind of kept dating your dad to get your baby? That’s wild.
dadsgf_throwaway OP:
I can’t be certain what she actually wanted. But I think she realized we weren’t close and she probably wouldn’t spend as much time with my baby as she wanted, which was why she wanted to babysit.
The baby book freaked me out a little, not gonna lie.
whatthewhat3214
Please tell me she didn’t keep the baby book, like she doesn’t still have your ultrasound picture that you’d given to your dad??
What is with this creepy woman’s obsession with your child! So gross. I mean I sort of remember your story, that your dad didn’t want kids and she did, they didn’t want to break up but should have bc of this fundamental incompatibility, and so she was trying to get close to your child as the next best thing or something.
Kind of sad really, she should have moved on a while ago and found someone to create her own family with.
dadsgf_throwaway OP:
I’m not sure whether she kept it or not. I haven’t been to my father’s place since before the breakup.
carlosmurphynachos
Best outcome for everyone. I hope the ex gf gets to have het own kids someday. She was living in a fantasy that your child could be hers too, in a way. Enjoy your mat leave.
dadsgf_throwaway OP:
Yeah, this couldn’t have ended well without a breakup. I feel for them, but this shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did.
