“AITA for ruining their upcoming wedding?”

Hi Reddit, my husband and I are standing up in my brother’s upcoming wedding in June. Are we the a-holes for not attending the out of country bachelor and bachelorette parties.

A little back story him and his fiancé got engaged almost 3 years ago in France. He wanted our parents and us to take the trip with them minus our 2 year old daughter. I was fortunate to attend, however my husband stayed home with our daughter.

For the last year they have “talked” about what they wanted to do for their bachelor and bachelorette parties without any set plans. He wanted to do a ski trip to Colorado in the beginning of the year and she wanted to go to Arizona.

We honestly had both been on board for these trips. By Fall of last year, nothing was actually planned or set. In November the trip talks had started to change and my brother no longer wanted to go skiing and instead wanted to plan a “cheap” 3 night all inclusive trip to Aruba or Saint Maarten.

We stressed our concerns with the actual cost/time this would actually be and was assured it was only going to be $1200. Fast forward to Christmas when we are informed that my future SIL has changed her mind and she wants to do a “cheap” 3 night all inclusive trip to Mexico.

My husband and I both discussed our concerns with the cost/time that both these parties were actually going to cost. Now fast forward to the end of January when we are finally texted actual details and given less than a week to book said trips.

Each trip is closer to $2000 and ultimately we decided we would not be attending. It’s not that we don’t have the financial means to attend however, the principle of spending that much on 3 nights seems obscene to us.

We messaged each of them individually letting them know and offering to plan a different event back home to celebrate them. We have observed them ignoring us and backing out of planned events at the last min over the last 3 weeks.

About a week and a half ago I received a call from my brother telling me how angry and disappointed he is in us and that we have known for the last 3 years they were getting married and that the bachelor and bachelorette parties would be taking place.

I was told that he didn’t expect us to take any other trips if we couldn’t attend and that if we did plan any other trips that we better cancel and attend their parties. It has now been another week and a half and they are still not talking to us and continue to ignore us. I was told I was ruining their wedding. Are we the AHs?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Kdjl1

NTA People need to stop planning destination trips on other people’s dime.

mistegirl

NTA. I so don’t get it. Maybe I grew up ghetto or I’m just old now or something, but the bachelor parties were like a night out at a bar or renting out a hall for the night and games like a 50/50 raffle to help raise some extra money for the couple. The idea of flying to another country and having to spend 3 days with a bunch of people to celebrate just seems like an AH move to me.

567Anonymous

It is insufferable to expect people to pay thousands for this stuff.

teresajs

NTA. $2000 each for these kinds of parties is outrageous. And that’s on top of the engagement trip, shower, and wedding. Nope. My guess is that they’re angry because the attendants cover the cost of the Bride/Groom and they’re mad you aren’t buying them a vacation/party. Too bad, so sad.

Infamous-Purple-3131

NTA. Expecting people to spend thousands of dollars to attend bachelor and bachelorette parties is self indulgent and self centered.

seanthebean24

NTA these expensive bachelorette/bachelor parties are getting out of hand. I would not spend that kind of money on anyone for a before wedding event. They’ll expect you to spend that much on the wedding itself especially if it involves travel.

I would just say “Sorry we only budgeted $X for these events and this is out of our range. You have been inconsistent and incapable of locking down a place in a reasonable amount of time. We will be there for the wedding, sorry we’ll miss the other parties”.

diminishingpatience

NTA. It’s absurd for them to claim that you’ve ruined a wedding that hasn’t even taken place yet. These additional events are about their vanity and self-importance, not the wedding.

Shadow4summer

And if the upcoming wedding is in such a precarious position to have it ruined by someone not attending bachelor/bachelorette party, the marriage is doomed before it even starts. I wouldn’t attend a weekend party and blow thousands on what is not even my choice of a destination.

People have to realize that most people do not put as much importance on the wedding that they do. And that a lot of people will decline any and all invitations to a destination anything because it’s not in their budget. Or they don’t have days to waste partying. You plan a destination anything and you will never have the turnout you want/expect.

hopefulrefuse1974

You stopped being any kind of entitled when they got engaged overseas and wanted you there without your child.

GnomieOk4136

Not attending pre-wedding parties does not ruin the wedding in any way. They sound flighty and entitled. Attend the wedding when they eventually (maybe) have it. Don’t go to anything else.

Illustrious-Horse276

NTA. You do not have to partake in a bachelor/Bachelorette that is a destination event. This self-centered idea is great for people whose friends/family can afford it, but it also puts unrealistic expectations on them EVEN IF they can afford it.

The minute someone told me I was not allowed to use MY money on a vacation I wanted to go on because I was not taking the vacation they were forcing on me… all bets are off. I would be quietly sitting down for their wedding and they would be receiving a generic family gift from me.

“AITA for ruining their upcoming wedding?”