“AITA for giving my pregnant girlfriend an ultimatum?”
My GF (Jen) and I have been together for 4 years. Back in April, two great things happened: we found out Jen is pregnant and I closed on a house for us to move into. Our family and friends know about the pregnancy, including Jen’s best childhood friend (Amanda). I will admit, I never liked the dynamic between Ananda and Jen, but it did not really affect our relationship since Amanda lived across the country.
After finding out about the pregnancy, Amanda decided to move back home (we live in Jen and Amanda’s hometown). Amanda has been back since late May and all heck has broke loose. Jen has always felt a little self-conscious in our relationship. I work construction and do personal training. She feels intimidated by small girls, but I have no idea why. She is an attractive AF woman with amazing curves.
Amanda has done nothing but play into Jen’s insecurities and anxieties since being back. Jen and I have never been the tracking location couple or looking through phone’s couple. We always considered that a red flag in a relationship. Amanda has convinced Jen that she needs to start doing that.
So, she has been looking through my phone on a regular and finding nothing. I have communicated my hurt and frustration and that I think she needs to distance herself from Amanda. She kept rebuffing my concerns. About two weeks ago, Jen again asked to look through my phone.
I told her in no uncertain terms that this will be the last time she looks through my phone. If she again sees nothing suspicious, then she needs to agree to go to counseling and distance herself from Amanda. She agreed, looked through my phone, and found nothing suspicious. But, she soon reneged on her promise to do counseling and distancing herself from Amanda.
I decided to move out. We are currently on a month-to-month lease in an apartment until renovations get done on the house I bought. I am staying with a friend until the house is ready and then I will move in alone. Jen has asked me to reconsider, I refuse. She will likely need to move in with her mother, which is not ideal given the limited space, which I feel terrible about for my child. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Glinda-The-Witch said:
Tell her the counseling is still on the table, but don’t live together until you get to a point where she where she trust you and ditches her friend.
TALKTOME0701 said:
NTA. Children are raised in close quarters all the time. What you don’t want is a child raised in an environment of distrust and suspicion. It sounds like she has more respect for her best friend than she does for you. Why doesn’t she move in with her?
Life_Temperature2506 said:
NTA. She needs to throw Amanda in the garbage.
Quiet-Patient5458 said:
NTA. This is ruining your relationship, and if she is unwilling to see the damage, then she needs that ultimatum. Hopefully, she soon sees what Amanda has done to your relationship
Lizzydeathstar said:
NTA…wow. Amanda really sucks and played your GF like a fiddle. I would strongly suggest couples counseling. You can fix this. She can fix this, if she’ll just see where things started to go wrong – and I believe an unbiased outside person can assist with that.
BeeEnvironmental6299
It doesn’t make sense that Amanda decided to move home after hearing about Jen’s pregnancy. Grown adults, even best friends, don’t upend their life because their best friend is pregnant. My guess is that something happened with Amanda and now she is back in their hometown and wants Jen to put her first over the bf.
Jazzlike-Mail1635 OP:
She had a bad breakup about 6 months ago. I do not know all the details. She works remotely (and her company’s home office is located here), so not much upending she had to do.
Later OP added these edits to his post:
EDIT
(1) I am fully aware that Jen has raging hormones. Trust me, I was dealing with alot more than just her insistence on searching my phone constantly.
(2) I have been doing individual counseling for six years. I want to do couples counseling and Jen to do individual counseling.
(3) I left because Jen lied to me.
2 weeks later OP posted this:
Jen and I met up earlier this week to discuss our relationship after she had sent some text messages.
She apologized for how she behaved towards me. She particularly apologized for how she behaved when I moved out of the apartment. She said she will definitively stop searching my phone if I moved back in. She also said she was ready to get engaged (she historically had been the hold up in us getting engaged or married).
I asked why she had started searching my phone in the first place, she said, “she really did not know.” Jen said she has seen me get hit on before by girls in my personal training work and shut the women down (even before we were dating).
She trusted that I would do that generally, but she is feeling self-conscious about her body and thinks maybe I would be tempted to not do that now. Apparently Amanda’s ex was a guy who got hit on by girls and would shut them down in front of her but was secretly cheating with some of them.
But, I said if you saw me rejecting these women before we were even dating, why would that change now? Why would I risk my license? She said she did not have an answer. I told her, that is why she needs counseling, to explore that.
I asked if in the six or so weeks of searching my phone at least every other day, if she saw anything from me to any other woman that even hinted at romantic interest. She said no at first, then laughed and commented that I did send a heart emoji to a group chat with Jen to a picture of her mom in a dress she just bought. But she admitted she has no suspicion whatsoever that I am trying to get with her mom.
She said she is not ready for counseling and is not ready to give up on Amanda, but she is going to move in with her mom in the next few weeks. I let her know that I cannot move back in with her until at least counseling is being started.
She understood. I am going to let the landlord know that we are terminating the lease at the end of September. She is sad we are not living together, but understood where I am coming from.
She gave me a hug and a kiss and that was the end of the conversation. She later sent me a text asking if I was ok with her still watching my “videos” (I had made some videos some months back for her viewing pleasure). I said “sure.” Her mom later texted and told me they had a long heart-to-heart about Jen and I’s relationship.
Here’s what people had to say after the update:
HarrisLJ
So basically she promised nothing but your getting back together
Jazzlike-Mail1635 OP:
We are not getting back together.
HarrisLJ
Then why are you talking about living together instead of how to split time and money for the baby
Jazzlike-Mail1635 OP:
She asked me what it would take for me to consider living together again. I gave her my conditions. She is still refusing those conditions. We are at 22 weeks. We do not need to talk about custody and child support yet. Plus, I am going to have my lawyer handle that when we get to that point
2 months later OP came back with this update:
I have been asked by a number of people to give an update on the situation. There was not much to report until recently. Shortly after my last update, Jen had moved in with her mom and I had moved into the house.
Things had been going well: we were communicating, I was going with her to all the appointments, and we were generally getting along. But, we were not living together because Jen still refused my request for counseling and distancing herself from Amanda.
Well, about 3-ish weeks ago was my 30th birthday. I have never really celebrated my birthday. It was mid-week and I just went to work, had a couple of personal training sessions at the gym, and went home. I was in the shower and someone was ringing the doorbell. I went and answered it, and it was Jen.
She had some groceries with her and insisted on making me dinner. I have been very particular about enforcing boundaries with her because, in a lot of ways, she is behaving like we are still together like before I moved out. She could sense my hesitation and stated that she would just be making me dinner, “as a friend.” So, I agreed.
I turned on a movie while we cooked together. After dinner was done, we set in front of the TV, ate, and finished the movie. We talked for a little bit after the movie was over, She then said she needed to use the bathroom (I assumed she would leave afterwards). I began cleaning the kitchen and she came up behind me and began grabbing me.
I turned around and she was in a lingerie set she knows I love. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “what does it look like?” She grabbed me again, but I told her to stop. She said, “you look like you like it.” I told her again to stop. I pulled her hands off of me and told her to leave. She looked dejected and like she was about to cry, but left without saying anything.
A couple of days later, I called her to talk about it, but she did not answer. I called her a day later after that call because that was the day of the next prenatal visit. She sent back a text and told me not to come. The next week I called again about the prenatal appointment, but she told me not to come again.
On Sunday of this week, she finally called me back. She asked who I was cheating with, I told her, I was not cheating. She asked who I was sleeping with, and I told her no one. She demanded to see my phone again, and I told her I would not let her see it.
She yelled that I was obviously sleeping with someone and lying to her. I told her I was not, and if you do not trust me, we probably just need to learn how to co-parent from here on out. She agreed. So, we are officially done.
2 months later OP posted this update:
have been asked by a number of people to give an update on the situation. There was not much to report until recently. Shortly after my last update, Jen had moved in with her mom and I had moved into the house.
Things had been going well: we were communicating, I was going with her to all the appointments, and we were generally getting along. But, we were not living together because Jen still refused my request for counseling and distancing herself from Amanda.
Well, about 3-ish weeks ago was my 30th birthday. I have never really celebrated my birthday. It was mid-week and I just went to work, had a couple of personal training sessions at the gym, and went home. I was in the shower and someone was ringing the doorbell. I went and answered it, and it was Jen.
She had some groceries with her and insisted on making me dinner. I have been very particular about enforcing boundaries with her because, in alot of ways, she is behaving like we are still together like before I moved out. She could sense my hesitation and stated that she would just be making me dinner, “as a friend.” So, I agreed.
I turned on a movie while we cooked together. After dinner was done, we set in front of the TV, ate, and finished the movie. We talked for a little bit after the movie was over, She then said she needed to use the bathroom (I assumed she would leave afterwards). I began cleaning the kitchen and she came up behind me and began grabbing my dick.
I turned around and she was in a lingerie set she knows I love. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “what does it look like?” She grabbed me again, but I told her to stop. She said, “you look like you like it.” I told her again to stop. I pulled her hands off of me and told her to leave. She looked dejected and like she was about to cry, but left without saying anything.
A couple of days later, I called her to talk about it, but she did not answer. I called her a day later after that call because that was the day of the next prenatal visit. She sent back a text and told me not to come. The next week I called again about the prenatal appointment, but she told me not to come again.
On Sunday of this week, she finally called me back. She asked who I was cheating with, I told her, I was not cheating. She asked who I was sleeping with, and I told her no one. She demanded to see my phone again, and I told her I would not let her see it.
She yelled that I was obviously sleeping with someone and lying to her. I told her I was not, and if you do not trust me, we probably just need to learn how to co-parent from here on out. She agreed. So, we are officially done.
