“AITA for having boundaries with my friends and not helping my boyfriend?”
I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We started dating when we were teenagers. One thing I’ve always admired is how much he shows up for people. He is a “100% effort” guy. If a friend or family member is in trouble, he is the first to call everyone he knows to fix it.
He has done this for me too. He has rallied his friends to help me with work or offered his own money without a second thought. Even when I’ve told him no or that I can handle things myself, he subtly steps in and takes care of it anyway. He has built a community where everyone helps everyone.
I do not operate that way. I like being self-dependent, and I feel a lot of internal pressure when it comes to asking for favors. I do not like imposing on my friends, especially when it involves money or personal items.
The differences had never been a problem, we were both too young to really notice them, until now. Lately, I feel like he expects the same from me. For instance, we live two hours apart, but I have a friend who lives near him.
Because I was not around to help during a recent emergency, he asked me to call my friend and ask for favors on his behalf, like borrowing extra bedding. It made me incredibly uncomfortable to put my friend on the spot for his sake.
More recently, a close friend of his from work hit a financial crisis. My boyfriend managed to pull together some money to lend him, but when he asked me to help raise more, I told him I did not have much to contribute. He then told me to ask my best friend to lend the money. I said no.
He was genuinely confused and actually quite rude about it. To him, my refusal felt like I was being intentionally difficult. He is not trying to be controlling. He just believes that his way of communal living is the only way to exist. I feel like he is asking me to sacrifice my comfort and the way I manage my friendships to fit his version of helping. He seems to think I should have no problem doing this.
I ended up getting angry, and we had a big fight. Where did I go wrong? How do I explain to him that my boundaries are not an attack on his values, but that my friends are not part of his network of favors? And am I wrong for not helping or asking for favors when I do not feel comfortable?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
flowerybutterfly96 says:
Your friends aren’t part of his favor circle. If he isn’t comfortable enough to ask them himself, then they can’t be expected to contribute. Actually, it goes further. If the person needing help doesn’t know the person being asked to contribute, there is no expectation present. NTA.
princess_scythe responded:
I told him to ask himself… he was uncomfortable and suggested that I should do it because I’m close.
olivia-lace-again says:
The fact he doesn’t know your personality after 7 years is shocking. Maybe sit down and have a chat and set expectations
princess_scythe responded:
We should right? I’m hoping to meet him soon and talk things out.
What do you think?
