“AITA for telling my father the only way I could visit him while he convalesced was if he paid for the time I would need to take off work?”
When I was a kid my dad was a workaholic. We never lacked anything in my childhood home except his time and attention. He kept saying one thing over and over. “Who’s going to pay the bills if I don’t work”. My dad leased a new Mercedes every few years. Our home had a heated indoor pool. We had a housekeeper. There were places in the budget for him to cut back.
When I was hospitalized at 16 when I got hit by a car he came the first night and then I didn’t see him again until I was released. When my older sister got married he only showed up for the ceremony and reception. Nothing else. And he caused problems.
I grew up knowing that I would never treat my kids that way. And I have lived up to that standard I set for myself. I use all my PTO every year. I watch my kids play sports. I spend time with my wife. They are my priority not my job. My dad recently had a heart attack. He’s fine but he’s all alone.
My mom had enough of his shit a while back and moved to Portugal. So he has a big house and a nurse. He wants me to come see him. I could, but that would mean using my PTO on him instead of my family. So I told him that he would need to cover my salary if he wanted a visit. I told him no one would pay my bills if I took time out to go see him.
He got really angry at me and said I was being a money-grubbing AH and that isn’t how he raised me. I pointed out that is exactly how I was raised. I started pointing out all the times he chose his job over his family. I reminded him why mom left. He hung up after I brought up my sister having to wait for him to be done a business call before he walked her down the aisle.
My wife thinks I’m being harsh with a lonely old man. I don’t really need his money. I have a great job and my boss would approve my extra PTO without question. I just have better things to do. I think I’ll eventually cave but right now I just want him to understand what he created.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
lahdeedah224 wrote:
More curious why he wants you to visit him? He never cared about you and your life this far… is he hoping you’ll drop everything and move to look after him? Or has the penny finally dropped, but instead he still won’t come and visit you when he’s well enough?
dm_me_kittens wrote:
I work in cardiology, and the majority of our patients are over 60 years old. You’d be surprised how many people screw over their families, then when they’re left all alone they’re surprised and hurt that people show them the same level of care. They never accept that they were the issue and still don’t. So you just call their family and let the patient know that they won’t be coming.
Let this be a warning to parents: how you treat your children when they’re young will boomerang when all of you are older. If you want your kids to love you, you have to show them love first.
OP responded:
He can afford a private nursing service.
Gooch_gang wrote:
NTA but I’m 100% bias.
My mother put EVERYTHING before my brother and myself. I raised my brother while she did f all. Every important moment in my life was either ignored or overshadowed by her BS.
On her death bed, I’m going to be just as petty as you are being and I see nothing wrong with that. I’ve had to compromise and make exceptions my entire life for my mother. During a situation I actually have control over, I won’t squander my chance to take the lowest road possible. I have no interest in being the better person or “doing better when knowing better” or whatever BS people think I should be doing.
It might be considered getting revenge but I absolutely 100% believe that is what you and I are owed. I’ll be dealing with the issues she caused me longggggg after she is gone (even with medication and therapy). You’re telling me that we are supposed to “be the bigger person” forever? Big disagree. I’ll be the smallest person and sleep well.
(Sorry to trauma dump but I’m sick of kids with shitty parents being told that they should, once again, be responsible for their parents emotions and water themselves down or they are a bad person. Screw that. Do what helps you sleep at night.)
cherry-girl-18 wrote:
NTA…are yall missing the fact that OPs father literally had his own daughter put her wedding on pause so he could finish a business call? And yall want to sit there and say that this man was working FOR his family? No. He was working to stay away.
There is a difference. Very clearly, he made the money he needed to provide his children with that life. enough money that he could’ve been genuinely present and he CHOSE not to be. Remember that OP’s mom was sick of this man’s crap and booked it. My father is a workaholic, always has been.
It comes from his parents, older gen, etc., but the thing is he has 5 children. Five of us and he has always always always made the time. Every play, he was there. graduations, soccer games, hospital visits. He had been working over 60 hours when I overdosed and yknow what he did? He showed up.
Even when we went to Puerto Rico and DISNEYLAND, that man worked. He is and always has been working. But I’ve never NEVER been made to feel like I, my father’s child, came second to his job.
Yall are grasping at the fact that OP had more than average growing up, more than just the needs. So did I and it doesn’t excuse the lack of being a real parent. Nothing does…we all make choices we can live with but that doesn’t mean we have to live by the choices others make.
BeeSweet4835 wrote:
NTA. Here’s the reality. Our fathers never needed to work that much. They chose to work that much because it was easier (and preferable) for them to work and opt out of the hard work of parenting. Work also provides the ego stroke that parenting does not.
I had a childhood disease and my father turned up to the hospital just once. He was never there for birthdays etc bc of ‘work’. I realise now that all those times he was working he was also going for dinners with friends and having affairs. He close to not be a parent, to not do the real work of parenting and to put himself and his own wants ahead of everyone else.
It’s hard as an adult and a parent (as I am now) to realise I wasn’t loved and he DGAF. My father is dead now and I regret any time I spent trying to please him or maintain any relationship. I only helped out at the end to give my mother a break. I prioritised my own family and kids. As my father should have done.
