“AITA for refusing to financially support my ex-wife after she supported me through graduate school?”
I divorced my ex-wife four years ago. We were married for seven years. We share a son. Early in our marriage, my ex decided to return to school full-time to finish her undergraduate degree.For our first two years, I worked full-time and paid all our shared expenses so she could focus entirely on school. I also took on a large share of household responsibilities during that period.I did not see this as some big sacrifice on my part. This is just what you’re supposed to do when you’re married. I never expected anything in return. After she graduated, she was able to move into a better-paying job.
Later in the marriage, I decided to pursue graduate school full-time. For the final three years of our marriage, the dynamic shifted. My ex worked and covered most of our shared expenses while I focused entirely on my program.
We also relied on my pre-marital savings during this time period. Because of this arrangement, I was able to complete my degree and eventually enter a much higher-paying field. I’ve always considered this fair, since we both supported each other at different points, regardless of how things ultimately turned out.The marriage ended after I discovered she emotionally cheated. When I confronted her, she apologized, and agreed to go to counseling. She said she wanted to work on the relationship, but I chose to file for divorce anyway.
I had lost all love and respect for her. She was pregnant at the time, so I insisted on a paternity test. She was deeply hurt by this, but really could not fight me on it. Our son is mine.Since the divorce, my career has taken off. I’m now financially comfortable with a level of stability and earning potential I did not have during the marriage. My ex, on the other hand, is still working the same job she had before the divorce and says that inflation has made it harder for her to get ahead.
We have 50/50 custody of our son. I pay child support as ordered by the court, which includes covering all healthcare and childcare expenses. Because of how the support order is structured, very little money actually ends of in my ex’s hands.
Recently, she told me that she is two months behind on her mortgage payments and asked if I could help her like she helped me when we were married. I asked her why she needed the help since she has the same job she had when we got divorced.
She just cited inflation and would not give any more details when pushed. (She has a daughter since our divorce, but her daughter’s dad is not around and as far as I know does not contribute financially. He lives out of the country. I suspect that is contributing significantly to her financial status.)
She says that supporting me through graduate school delayed her own financial stability, limited her ability to advance her career, and that I’m now enjoying the long-term benefits of years of her labor and sacrifice while she is still dealing with the consequences.
She also says that while I was in school she shouldered alot of the household tasks and whatnot. According to her, the payoff from my degree only arrived after the marriage ended, meaning I benefitted more from her support than she ever benefitted from mine.
I told her I thought this interpretation of events was utterly ridiculous. Everything she did for me during the marriage, I did for her during the marriage. That does not translate into any ongoing obligation post-divorce.
And I reminded her that until I went back to school, I did the bulk of the household tasks. I just had less time when I went back to school. Additionally, in the divorce, she wanted to keep the house. Even though the court ruled I did not owe alimony and that I was entitled to my equity in the house, I gifted her my equity so that she could refinance and keep the house.
I told her I would not be giving her money beyond what I already provide for our son. I have worked hard to move on and build a stable life, and I do not think it is my responsibility to financially support an ex-spouse years after a divorce. Especially, under these circumstances where we each supported each other during the marriage. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Agent_K002
You paid everything when she went to school and she paid everything when you went to school. You are even. And I agree, that you went to school or inflation isn’t the reason for her financial situation, the second kid is that she gets no support for. NTA.
BulbasaurRanch
NTA. You’ve done more than enough. She already got your half of the house too. You’re not responsible for her anymore.
Chaoticgood790
NTA you gifted her the equity in the house so even if she thinks she was at more of a deficit you gifted her YOUR PART in your shared home. That is more than enough to call it even.
If she cant pay for the home she needs to downsize. if she cant provide for your son you need to go back to court for more time with him or primary custody. it is not your job to provide for her. thats the job of a spouse and you are no longer together.
Otherwise-Try-9734
NTA! You are divorced and are not obligated to support her like you woukd support a wife, plus you already pay child support for your son.
BedroomEducational94
She was unfaithful before she could benefit from the result of her support. She negated her own support. Let her know that if things get bad you’ll be happy to take your son full time until she’s back on her feet, but that she doesn’t get to blow up your life with infidelity and then cry that it isn’t fair that you’re doing well. She shouldn’t have cheated and then she would likely not be in this mess, and that’s not for you to fix. NTA.
Positronomy
INFO – What happens to your son if she fails to pay her mortgage? I understand you don’t feel responsible for her expenses, but a home is a shared resource between your son and your ex, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want your son to have an unstable living situation half the time he’s with his mom.
Either way if she’s struggling that much financially, it might be worth revisiting the custody arrangement so maybe you take your son a higher percentage of the time.
Appropriate_Tap3451 (OP)
I would never let my son be in an unsafe environment. But, I also do not think it is my responsibility to bail my ex out financially. When we divorced, we had a combined about $80,000 in equity in that house. So, it should be more now. That is enough for her to sell the house and get a safe apartment.
Positronomy
That’s a very reasonable solution. Thank you for providing more information and not taking offense.
louisianefille
NTA. You don’t owe her any additional support. You were generous in letting her keep the house without having to buy you out. If the additional child she’s had since your divorce is putting that much strain on her finances, she needs to go after the father for support.
She could also sell the house and move into a less expensive place. I am curious why she can’t manage things on her salary now when she’s done it before (when you were in school).
Where is all her money going? But that isn’t your problem. It only becomes a problem if she can’t provide a stable home for your child. You might casually ask your child some questions to see if you can suss out what’s going on.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
