“AITA for sending my pregnant sister to a homeless shelter instead of letting her live on my couch?”
I (32f) had always worked very hard in school to make sure I could go to college. I grew up very poor and I knew that I had to do something other than loans. Luckily, my grades were good enough that I got a full ride for my two degrees.
My husband grew up poor too, even lived out of his car once but he put himself through college as well. We’ve worked hard to buy a very modest little home for us and our son (2years old). The mortgage is hard, but we’re making it.
My sister (21) who we’ll call Britt, barely finished high school and has always struggled to keep a job or place of residence. She will frequently refuse to wake up to her alarms, miss shifts as a no call no show, and generally go through jobs in a couple of weeks. (When she bothers to get one, maybe two or three a year since she was 18).
Due to this, she never has any money of her own to pay for rent, food, etc. She relies on everyone else (her friends, her ex’s family, etc) to house her and take care of her. Down to the fact that she requires EVERYONE to chauffer her around because she refuses to even get her driver’s permit. She found out recently that she is 11 weeks pregnant.
Britt is a horrible roommate. Never cleans, never contributes to the household in any way. Frequently forces other people to clean up her mess or move around the huge piles of things she keeps around.
About a week ago, Britt finally lost her very last option for a place to live because none of her friends or even our family will allow her to live with them anymore. She called me and said she needed somewhere to live.
We (me, my husband, and my 2 year old son) picked her up, along with her things, but we were very clear with her on that first night that we were NOT a long term option. We simply can not afford her. We told her our house rules: Don’t be a jerk, contribute, no shoes in the house, no rocks in the kitchen. Simple.
We printed her out a packet of all of our local shelters, long term housing locations for homeless pregnant women, and even found her resources for the city “of her choice” which was an hour and a half away from where we live. We wrote her a script of what she needed to tell them or ask about. We told her if she had any questions, just ask, we will help.
The next morning, Britt was asleep on the couch until after noon. I figured “Lots of stress. You need rest, fine.” My 2 year old and I were okay to sit on the floor and play or go outside until she woke up.
When she did, she stayed fully stretched out and didn’t move a muscle unless she had to go to the bathroom. Then, right back to her spot, playing on her phone. Whole couch claimed again.
Nearing the end of the day, I asked if she had made any calls yet and she said no. I said that some of these places have wait lists and it was better to get on them sooner than later. She said “Well, everywhere is probably closed. I’ll call tomorrow.” I was fine with that too.
Fast forward a week, same thing every damn day. She refused to move at all beyond going to the bathroom. She made me do everything for her, even when my son and I had ear infections and were desperately exhausted. She wouldn’t even get up to get her own food.
We finally sat her down and forced her to make calls. The places she wanted (that were better suited for her pregnancy) were, of course full and needed her to be on a list. So, the only place that would take her was a kind of shady place with drug addicted homeless, etc.
No judgement at all, everyone goes through their own things. I am very grateful for places like this and the wonderful people who volunteer. They said they had a bed for her, so we took her. She was terrified, and was visibly upset with me.
I’m so worried for her, but she refuses to do anything for herself. I know that if I didn’t make her act, she would continue this behavior and suck more energy and funds out of us endlessly. Now she isn’t talking to me and my family thinks I’m heartless. AITA for forcing her into an uncomfortable situation so that she can be more self sufficient?
Editing to add: We even said that If we had the funds and a room for her, we would have loved to keep her longer than we did. We wanted to really help her and educate her. But we are just getting by as it is and we literally couldn’t afford to keep her.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Additional-Rain-509
First off, not TA, second I really want to know the story behind “no rocks in the kitchen”. On a more serious note, it sounds like she has exhausted everyone else. You are the last link in a chain she has taken much to much advantage of. I am worried for the child, and want to know if the father is in the picture at all. I hope this may be the wake up call for her, but sadly the odds are not in her favor.
KeyEvagria (OP)
The father is a few states away “trying to get here” for months now. No rocks in the kitchen came from my son 😂 when he was little, when we played outside, he would grab random rocks to chew on.
There was one that was his favorite “the teething rock” that he brought inside and kept for a while. Once, he brought it into the kitchen and threw it at our oven door (which is glass). He didn’t break it, but that’s when the rule was born.
Tomahawk513
NTA. All together now, “I am not responsible for other people’s decisions.” I will say, though, when she has the kid, please be as involved as you can possibly be. You may be the only positive role model in that child’s life.
KeyEvagria (OP)
Thank you. Yes, I have talked with my husband and we will even be willing to adopt the child if she can’t get it together.
Individual-Money4967
If you adopt her child, she will never go away. She will make you feel guilty for housing her child and not her. The adoption can create deep, long-lasting friction between you, your sister, and your parents. Your sister may come to resent you and act out in ways you never imagined. The child may have behavioral issues resulting from the way the biological mother acts. I would tread carefully before making this decision.
9smalltowngirl
NTA send a mass text telling all the family members where she is with the address. If anyone thinks they can get her to grow up and take some responsibility for her life they can go get her. Keep the text resend as necessary.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
