“AITA for telling my cheating ex-husband I will never feel bad for him and I will never ‘help him make this better’?”
I (46f) was married to my ex-husband John (48m) a decade when I found out he had cheated multiple times with multiple women, one of whom became a fully fledged affair. We had three young kids at the time.
How I found out was I started suffering some concerning symptoms, went to the doctor and some tests were ran and it was discovered I had gonorrhea which had caused pelvic inflammatory disorder.
The whole thing was devastating and John didn’t even pretend he was concerned about me but he was concerned about his affair partner Cathy. The two of them married after the divorce and I had to pick up the pieces, deal with the consequences of John’s cheating and his lasting gift and help my kids deal with the divorce. All while I had to be civil in front of the kids which killed me.
I had minimal contact with John and Cathy. I refused to speak to either unless I had to. A few times they attempted additional contact with the aim of us being friends but I shot that down and I told the two of them to rot in hell. The kids had a good relationship with their dad until a few years ago. But John and Cathy were unable to have children together.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. He just wants you to fix his failings because he can’t be bothered to do it himself. You’re not his wife so that’s not your problem. And tell sissy to eff off. You don’t owe either of them a damn thing.
She’s not your friend don’t let her fool you. As a woman she should realize how despicable he is and what he did to you. Cut her off.
She always said he was trash for what he did. That only goes so far with her I suppose. As soon as I lack sympathy for him it changes things.
NTA- if the youngest has graduated, they are all grown adults and can and will make their own decisions about who they are close to and who they are not. John and Cathy spent the last 10 yrs alienating and manipulating them as children, what makes them think as adults that would not be relevant?
You have no place whatsoever in trying to fix John’s relationship with his children. Honestly, the sister probably wasn’t really a ‘friend’ all these years, but more kept tabs on you for her brother- sad to say.
Sadly you are likely right. Or her friendship was only so deep and I was naive to not realize she would come to his defense sooner or later.
NTA. John and his poor choices are the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with his kids. It’s also possible his cheating and unprotected sex caused his fertility issues but that’s just speculation. It’s not up to you to make your kids see their dad in a different way. They are adults who can make their own decisions
I would guess that his cheating was the cause of her fertility issues too. I know I was left unable to conceive again after him. I was just lucky to have three kids before he went around spreading that STD like he did.
Does his sister know he gave you STDs?
NTA, he sounds awful and like time hasn’t helped him mature. Keep him blocked, you’re free now!
She knows. She was very supportive when I was dealing with the aftermath of that. She said he was trash at the time but now she defends him because I didn’t feel bad for him.
NTA. The only reason to be civil to John just graduated. 8 billion people on the planet, why would he pick you to be the one to hear about his relationship problems? Were all the partners of the women he cheated with busy? I can’t think of a less interested party than the woman he cheated on and gave an STI.
Because he wanted me to make the kids return to him and Cathy. That’s why he came to me. He wanted me to do something for him. When what he did for me is leave me humiliated with health complications and unable to have more children.
If he gave you Gonorrhea he might have given it to her as well. No, You are not the asshole for telling him that you will not feel bad because of a situation.
Sounds like he went out of his way to betray you when he was married to. People who betray one person will betray another. You need not be friends with them. They are trying to appease their guilt by being friendly to you.
He did. Apparently he was unhappy with me and voiced it to others, never me though, and was encouraged to make things work with me so he decided sleeping around was the way to make it work.
Not once did he say anything to me. We talked about a lot of things but he was never honest about how he was really feeling. For years whenever we were enjoying being a married couple he wasn’t. He was putting on a show.
Probably John caused Cathy’s uterine issues with his diseased dick. This is not your problem, OP. NTA
That’s exactly what I was thinking. What a POS. How do men like this keep women?
I feel like he kept Cathy because she’s as bad as him. She knew he was married and didn’t feel guilty about sleeping with him. So it’s really no surprise someone like that would stay.
Shouldn’t your kid’s opinion and being pressured to make Cathy their “mom” be the issue here? Your kids don’t want to give them the time of day. You don’t have to either.
NTA
John’s sister told me that my kids are still young enough to need my influence. And that John might have pushed Cathy on them too much but cutting him out of their lives was too extreme for the action. That I should be correcting it because the kids love and trust me.
Scientifically speaking, and correct me if I’m wrong, but if your cheating ex gave his affair partner and now wife, an STD and pelvic inflammations too, isn’t he very possibly responsible for the miscarriages she has had? I thought there was a link between STDs, pelvic inflammations and fertility? If there is and he caused the infection, it is his fault that she cannot have children..??
It’s possible and also extremely likely. I was unable to have more children after he was done with me.
Shouldn’t your kid’s opinion and being pressured to make Cathy their “mom” be the issue here? Your kids don’t want to give them the time of day. You don’t have to either. NTA.
