“Just found out my fiancé and his female best friend have a romantic history and don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting?”
Me (32F) and my fiancé (30M) got engaged a year and a half ago. Our wedding is coming up in 4 months. We met through a mutual friend, who just so happens to be his best friend (30F). She introduced us saying that we were perfect for each her.
Fast forward to us dating, falling in love, getting engaged, and now planning a wedding that is fast approaching. When we first started dating, the two of them were living together. I thought nothing of it as 1. She set us up and 2. They had made it seem like a brother/sister/ childhood best friend with no physical attraction kind of relationship.
I grew up having mostly guy best friends that there was never any sort of feelings so I never questioned it. Both said it was such a relief for him to find someone who wasn’t threatened by their friendship. The two of them talk on the phone regularly, text, etc. and it’s honestly never bothered me up until recently. Let me just add in that the girl is gorgeous and very intimidating.
A few months ago, something was said by one of my fiancés brother-in-laws (35M) said something about my fiancé and his best friend hooking up years ago. The conversation quickly changed and I didn’t want to start asking questions in front of his sister (33F) and her family. Later, when I did ask about it, I was told it was in high school and they just kissed. Ok. Whatever. But part of that has been nagging at me.
My bachelorette trip was this past weekend and his two sisters came on the trip. The first night, one of them had a little too much to drink and mentioned something about disliking the female best friend because she had kept my fiancé on a string for years with promises of “move here where I’m at and we can try dating.”
I was able to talk with her more about it the next day, and she immediately clammed up and felt uncomfortable. I told her I just want to know what has happened as I was led to believe their entire relationship has been platonic, and I don’t want to be lied to. She of course wants to protect her brother, and I completely understand that. I probably shouldn’t have, but I told her whatever is said is between the two of us.
She still wouldn’t go into great detail so I don’t know the extent of everything that’s happened, but it was alluded to that they have hooked up. Don’t know how often, or how many times, or if it definitively happened. I do know that him and her made a decision to not tell me of any romantic history.
They don’t consider themselves exes since they never truly dated because, according to the sister, she just strung him along for years with empty promises and kind of used him as a backup plan – at least up until him and I started dating.
I know this girl has a pattern of getting drunk and sleeping with a guy who is interested in her, making promises that she has feelings for them, and then the next day just saying she was drunk and it was nothing.
The best friend also got drunk at the other sister’s house (24F) and told her how they had decided to not tell me about their romantic history. Basically, at this point I don’t know what to do. I know that my fiancé loves me, but I’m also so upset for being lied to. I can’t confront him or the best friend about it because I said I wouldn’t say anything. So now my mind is racing with all these what ifs.
Why would he continue to stay so close to her? Were they still hooking up when we first started dating? Why lie about it? What do I do now? Am I overreacting? Oh and let me also add that the female best friend is in our wedding.
This is what people had to say to OP:
Nocleverresponse said:
Everyone in his life is willing to lie to you about their relationship, what else are they willing to lie to you about for him.
theworldisonfire8377 said:
The fact that everyone seems to know and are all lying to you to cover it up is a huge red flag.
You need to sit down with your fiancé, tell him that there have been a few conversations that have made you confused and uncomfortable when talking about him and his girl bff, and that you cannot walk down the aisle until you know the whole and entire truth about their history. If he balks at that, starts giving you half-truths, downplaying, or anything but honesty, you’ll have your answer.
Time-Town6745 said:
This would make me reconsider the whole relationship. They have both been lying to you and everyone knows and no one said anything. That’s so messed up. I have to wonder if he allowed her to string him along for all those years does he still have feelings for her, what else would she get him to do or hide.
The whole thing is a red flag in my opinion. They lie to you so they could continue to be close. Who knows what their conversations or interactions are like. I’m not sure if I could marry someone like this or into that family.
Ok_Mathematician262 said:
you are not overreacting. you need to talk to your fiancé ask him all the questions you are currently wondering and go from there. i would also look into possibilities of at least postponing the wedding as your fiancé has fully intended to start your married life based on lies. it takes time to rebuild broken trust if that is possible at all.
rich90715 said:
Has your fiancé told you in the past that nothing happened between him and his best friend? Or was it a subject that was never talked about? If it was never talked about, you can’t consider it a lie.
How many people talk openly of their past flings with their new partners? Next time the three of you are together, I would ask them about their past relationship.
OP responded:
It was talked about, but never in great detail. It was always just “oh we’re just childhood best friends” and when I would say something along the lines of “I understand. I grew up with guy best friends and we were never interested in each other, so I get it”
Or when talking about his exes not liking her I said something about how I wouldn’t like her either if I didn’t know her and know nothing had happened between them, and was never told that something had happened at the time.
