“AITA for calling off my engagement because my fiancé wants me to take care of his mom?”
My fiancé and I are both in our 40s. We met online and hit it off immediately. I love him madly. We have 3 kids between us, all the same age. They get along great. After a few years of dating, he proposed. I said yes! I was so excited to get married and start our future together.A month before we were starting to plan our wedding, tragedy struck. His 83 year old mother had a stroke. He lives with his mom as a way of helping her and saving money after his divorce.She is challenging, to put it mildly. Constantly critical. Demanding. Argumentative. Needy. Toxic. She has very few friends, and family members avoid her like the plague because she is so toxic.She has been in hospital for over 2 months since her stroke and still has very limited mobility. None, really. She is heading to a rehabilitation facility soon, where we hope she will improve, and perhaps walk with a walker one day.
She is medically stable, but physically incapable. She requires a catheter and frequent diaper changes. She cannot feed herself. More importantly, her attitude is bad, and she spends most if her time feeling sorry for herself.He has been very attentive, going to the hospital daily to feed her and give her moral support. I go several times a week. I help with diaper changes, try to cheer her up, feed her, and pray with her.But everyday is brutal. She complains. Cries. Prays for death. Demands immediate service from the nursing staff. It is frustrating and we are worn out physically and emotionally. We are both getting run down and sick. This is not sustainable.We’ve postponed the wedding for what looks like a few years. That is ok. We are committed to each other and need to sacrifice short term goals to make sure his mom is settled
We talked about potential LTC or moving her to a senior’s assisted living apartment where she would be safer and have a fuller, independent life. Her house has multiple floors with lots of stairs and likely not safe for her long term. We would buy a house close by and make frequent visits to ensure she is cared for and give her support. I thought this is what we agreed on.My fiancé has changed his mind. He made it clear that when we get married, he expects me and my kids to move into his mother’s house with him and take care of his mom long term. She would be confined to the main floor as the stairs are too treacherous for her to climb, so we would have no family room to use.He wants me to help care for his mom until she inevitably passes, which could be 1 to 25 years from now. Who knows? There would be nurses and PSWs that would come, but her care would essentially be our responsibility. Nurses and PSWs only do so much
This feels like an unreasonable ask. In addition to becoming a FT caregiver to his mom, I also have a disabled child that requires my attention and support. He leaves my son’s care to me and does not get involved as it isn’t his kid.I am “the expert” and he doesn’t want to interfere. I tried to talk to Fiancé about the stress and work it would entail to care for his mother and my child (and work FT). I have expressed discomfort with the idea of living in a house that is not ours, and want to build our life together in OUR home.I have expressed concerns about my kids being exposed to her constant drama and negativity. I have expressed my concern over what I feel is an unfair demand put on me and our new marriage. But he won’t budge.He says I am being selfish and unsupportive. He says he has been “understanding” about my neurotypical kid and was still willing to marry me. And, if the tables were turned, he wouldn’t hesitate to bring my mom into our home to care for her.I would never do that however, and my mother and I agree that placing her in a facility where she is safe and cared for, and not relying on her children to give up their lives to care for her is the right thing to do. His mother firmly believes that because she took care of him as a baby, he should take care of her now. It is his duty. And, will become my duty.
Note: money is not the issue. His mother has a pension and if the house were sold, plenty of money to sustain her care over her lifetime. She isn’t rich, but she has enough.
He simply says this is his burden to bear. And says he understands if it is too much for me and I leave him. And says often that his life is over. I say, that’s his choice. He could make a different choice. I get the better or worse thing, but this seems a bit beyond what is reasonable.I really feel like he is letting his mother’s toxic guilt-tripping and demands cloud his judgement. I do not think he is doing what is best for himself, or even her. I feel he is needlessly sacrificing his happiness and our relationship out of his sense of obligation to his Mom ( and a bit of martyrdom, too).I am sure there are cultural influences at work (he is of Greek and Portuguese descent and I am English). I do not want to get married only to become his mother’s caretaker. I am feeling trapped, overwhelmed and like his commitment to us is contingent on conditions I am not willing to fulfill.He says all that matters is that we are together. I think there is more to a successful marriage than togetherness. I am considering calling off the engagement. But maybe I am selfish and unsupportive. You tell me. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Chilling_Storm
NTA – girl he wants you to babysit his mother, not be his wife! That is what he thinks of you!
You need to walk away from the relationship and find someone who prioritizes YOU.
Squeak_Stormborn
And he thinks he is compromising in some way for marrying someone with a neurodivergent kid. Gross. What an AH.
No_Plantain_1699
NTA. This is not an acceptable ask or plan. You need to leave him, immediately. And he shouldn’t be “understanding” of your disabled kid. He should accept and affirm and love them. That’s possible and what you deserve. Not whatever this is.
nazuswahs
He accepts your disabled child but doesn’t provide any care. You can do the same. Accept his aging mother but do not provide any care duties. I would not move in with this man. Keep your own place and have dates instead of cohabitation.
IceSeeker
Agreed. And if he pushes back and gives you an ultimatum, don’t commit yourself to him anymore. It’s not worth to stay in a relationship where you also have to marry his mother and be her caretaker for life. She has no boundaries when it comes to him. Expect that it will be the same for you.
ogo7
NTA. Being a full time caregiver to a family member is extremely difficult and you will be very resentful in a very short amount of time. He will probably leave most of the hard stuff to you (diaper changes) and say it’s for his mom’s privacy. This is not something you should take on.
If he wants to do it and you want to stay together, postpone the wedding indefinitely and let him deal with his mom on his own and just date occasionally. Without you shouldering the burden he will make different arrangements within 3-6 months.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
