“AITA for ‘making things uncomfortable’ for the friend group after one of them repeatedly disappeared when I needed support?”
In college (I’m 27F now), I was close with two girls, Julie (28F) and Casey (29F). We were all part of the same friend group. After graduating, Casey and I moved to different countries, Julie stayed in her hometown. Now, around that time, my home life had become really bad (toxic and harmful family situation – which was why I left).I was really depressed and lonely in a new country and I tried to stay in touch with Julie and Casey, especially during that 1st year. Julie is famously “bad at texting/calling.” Messages would go unopened for days if not weeks.Calls had to be planned a week in advance at least. We’d schedule calls around time zones and then the day would come and I’d be the only one online. I’d text to check in, get no response, and sometimes wouldn’t hear back for days. Casey was moving around the same time so she often told me and Julie to go ahead without her but I’d never hear from Julie.
I repeatedly asked her to just tell me if plans changed so I wouldn’t sit at home waiting. Even when I told them I was struggling and needed support nothing changed. Eventually I stopped reaching out and once I did our group chat died completely. Casey would occasionally message privately but Julie basically vanished unless it was someone’s birthday. I got used to it and moved on.About a year later Julie got engaged to someone who lives in my city. Suddenly she started contacting me a lot for advice about moving here. She apologised for losing touch before and said she was working on communicating better because she had to do long-distance with her fiance.She promised she had changed but once she got the info she needed from me she disappeared again. Julie got married. I couldn’t go to the wedding because of my family situation and when I called to tell her I couldn’t make it, I finally told her about how bad things had been with my family.
She was very emotional and said she felt like she’d “abandoned me” when I needed her and promised to do better. The next time she reached out first was to ask if she could invite my ex from college to her wedding (he harassed her after I broke up with him). I told her it’s her wedding and she should invite who she wants.After that, nothing until she moved to my city. Now she mostly contacts me last minute like “I’m in the area, free now?” or when she needs something. We have some more mutual friends here now so I’ve met her a couple of times at group hangouts. In person, she acts like nothing has changed which honestly makes it more confusing.Recently, one of these mutual friends noticed I seemed distant with Julie and asked about it. I explained everything and my friend went “That’s just how Julie is, she’s a great person!” and basically told me I was the problem for making things uncomfortable.I don’t hate Julie I’m just tired of feeling like she only remembers to be my friend when its convenient for her. Our other college friends have heard about this and also think I’m just causing drama. So AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Pudwas wrote:
NTA.
I explained everything and my friend went “That’s just how Julie is, she’s a great person!”
Yup, a great person who isn’t interested in you, only herself. The person who told you she is great will change their mind if they want her for anything. I don’t know why you have anything to do with her as she is only making you feel worse by knowing her. Great people uplift the people they know.
Cool-Calligrapher-96 wrote:
No need for drama. Julie is aware of how you felt and nothing has changed. Julie is now classified as someone you know, spend you energy on yourself and then those who deserve your company. Don’t worry about the quantity of friends, focus on quality. If that means having no close friends for now then that is also fine.
godsfavoritereddit wrote:
Sending you love. Losing friends can be heart breaking especially when you are struggling in other aspects of your life. The energy you’re spending trying to connect with Julie could be better spent trying to show urself more love or make new friends. No one is busier than someone who does not care for you.
It made me so sad to read this because I had so many friendships end exactly this way. i moved to somewhere new, tried leaning on my friends just to find out that everyone is “bad at calling.” NTA. Try to move on and stop trying to force a connection that is not the kind of support you need.
Outofmymind4ever wrote:
Any chance Julie has ADHD? If yes, look into ADHD and how people with it have completely different communication styles due to how they perceive people and time. If she has it it isn’t that she was ignoring you on purpose, and doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. It’s just how her brain is wired.
You just might not have learned each other’s communication styles and needs when you had your other friend available to act as the connection for the group, and so you both just didn’t know how to communicate with each other well on your own.
That being said you aren’t getting what you need out of the friendship, and you should prioritize what you need for your mental health. And if that means politely distancing yourself from Julie so you don’t rely on her for support she can’t give for whatever reason that is completely ok. She just becomes a social friend instead of a personal friend.
Finding a friend who matches your attachment and communication styles might be something you really need. But also seeing a therapist who can help you manage friendships with neurospicy people so you don’t feel traumatized by their communication style could be helpful.
NoDaisy wrote:
NAH. You and Julie have 2 different takes on your friendship. You feel you are close friends and she prefers to have an aquaintenceship of convenience. You view friendship in different ways. Julie is not the type of friend you are looking for. Find someone that wants meaningful connections and leave Julie on read. Or accept that she doesn’t consider you a close friend.
brateleanor wrote:
NTA.
You’re not making things uncomfortable, you’re just not faking closeness anymore after Julie repeatedly ghosted you when you were struggling, only to pop back up when she needed favors.
She’s inconsistent and self-centered, not “just how she is.” You explained the truth calmly when asked. That’s not drama, that’s having boundaries. You don’t owe her fake friendliness to keep the group comfy.
