“AITA for refusing to treat my ex’s sort-of girlfriend like another parent?”
I (25f) am pregnant with twins. Their father (26m) and I were together for almost a decade. Things seemed great at the start of my pregnancy but then 11ish weeks in he told me he had feelings for Amy (24f) who is/was friends with benefits with one of his two best friends.He told me he didn’t feel like we should stay together just for the babies and we’d work it out. I told him that was fine. That I wasn’t going to stay while he had any kind of affair be it emotional or physical with her any longer.He told me nothing physical had happened yet and I told him I didn’t care if it did or didn’t because even if it hadn’t, that was a yet and if it wasn’t Amy it would be someone else.Amy and him ended up together, which came as no surprise, but then he told me he hated being away from me and he regretted doing this to us. I heard him out for a week before I made it clear that there was no going back and we would never be a couple again.
His relationship with Amy has been on and off. Even when they’re off they try to present as this united front and have wanted me to involve both in pregnancy stuff. Amy wanted to talk baby names with me and she was wanting us to go shopping for baby stuff together.She even wanted to do a joint shower so both of us could be focused on. She even tried to say how crazy it was for me to be having twins when ex and her have no twins in their families. Like she counted herself and her family in that. I ignored most of those requests and I communicated clearly and through text or email for anything I did respond to.But it was getting crazier with the requests and the thing that bothered me most is they are not stable at all. And they’re trying to put that on me. Saying if they were treated as a couple who were going to be equally a part of the babies lives they wouldn’t have so much trouble. My ex even said he felt like he had to be with me to be a real dad to the babies.
When they mentioned her being at the birth I knew we all needed to sit down and talk. I didn’t trust my ex to be honest about what I’d say and so I told them we could meet once and talk it all out.They met me with a bunch of crazy expectations. Like how both of them would come to see the babies at my house when his visitation would start (overnights don’t start until 4 to 6 months of new babies in our state). They wanted all of us to make decisions and they were thinking she could be mama to the babies.I let them talk and I wrote down all the expectations they had and then I told them they were crazy to expect all that. I said if my ex wants to be present at the birth I’m okay with that. If they want to discuss things between themselves then I cannot stop them.
But I won’t be taking her advice on baby names. Discussions will be between me and ex. I told them if they were together when my ex started overnights I could not stop Amy from being there but she was not coming to my house. I told them if they were in a stable relationship and settling down maybe we could all work together for the benefit of the children involved.But if they’re on/off the whole time it won’t happen. I said I want my babies to be the priority but that didn’t mean I was out here looking for them to have a second mom or for the two of them to try and outvote me and push what they want.And I told my ex that if he and Amy break up for good, or if he misses the kids and wants to be around more, that it won’t convince me to take him back. I told him I was serious about that and he needed to fully accept that.
And I brought that up because some of his body language and how he was looking at me made me feel like he was being too intimate for two people who are not a couple anymore and never will be. Amy said it was the confusion of everything and if I could take them as a package deal he’d find it easier. I told her I had already told them the reality of everything.
They tried to argue but I just left once I realized they weren’t going to stay calm or discuss things reasonably. My ex has emailed a few times in the days since and he told me I need to work with them instead of against them and I’m making all this harder than it should be and to think of our babies. He said he’s trying to be an involved dad. I reminded him I’m not stopping him.
But AITA for how I’m handling this? I’m trying to put the babies first but I don’t think that means treating Amy as mommy 2 and acting like this is some family unit when they can’t even stay together in the 4ish months since the breakup.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
HedgehogBusiness622
“She wanted to do a joint shower so both of us could be focused on”?????????
Like, she is becoming a mother because her on/off boyfriends ex is pregnant?
NTA – I would call the cops on her the minute she is on your property
SmolSongs OP:
That’s exactly it.
Cute-Profession9983
Lawyer up and fast.
SmolSongs OP:
Already done. My lawyer has helped me keep on track of documenting and saving proof of things.
seaglassgirl04
Also please invest in cameras for your home, make sure locks are changed. This is scary and your ex and Amy sound unhinged.
SmolSongs OP:
Already done. Cameras were always there and I changed the locks just for added protection because my ex did leave here as well before we broke up.
tropicsandcaffeine
Actually I have seen in custody agreements where overnight partners were banned. Your ex us trying to have the best of all worlds at your expense. I am glad you have a lawyer. Keep track of everything.
SmolSongs OP:
I have seen it too but not in my state without specific reasons, like someone who cannot be around kids.
BriefHorror
Insist on a parenting app that records everything. They lost their shot at normal texting when they pulled that crap. Also while it might sound more aggressive it’s actually going to smooth out the relationship when he has legal expectations and can’t just try to manipulate you.
SmolSongs OP:
That’s something my lawyer has already discussed with me. But we can only enforce that once the babies are here.
GlitterDoomsday
Give the babies your maiden name and consider having your mom or another relative you trust there as well to advocate for you, your ex clearly isn’t a safe option.
SmolSongs OP:
My mom’s going to be my birthing partner and my sister is a backup in case mom can’t on the day for whatever reason. The babies are getting my last name.
BriefHorror
Awesome you sound super on top of it and willing to do what’s necessary!
SmolSongs OP:
I had to get on top of things because I saw how unstable everything was
Pixiegirl_vonKorea
Reading this post made me anxious and frustrated. Idk how you are tolerating this. She is a home wrecker w%*@e who willingly slept with a soon to be father and in a common law relationship for a decade. Who knows if she is infertile and saw your boyfriend as a potential baby dad without giving birth!
She sounds dangerous and unstable to me. Don’t include your ex in the birth certificate of your children unless you need the child support money!
SmolSongs OP:
It’s more on him than her. He was the one I was dating, he was the one who made the choices he did. She’s acting far too entitled considering everything and she’s appeared unstable at times.
But ultimately it’s on him. He could choose to focus on being a dad or could tell her no. But he is the father and he will be on the birth certificate and he will be in their lives and I need to try and make things as stable as possible.
lolie973
NTA Are you using your last name for the babies?
SmolSongs OP:
Yes!
BriefHorror
Insist on a parenting app that records everything. They lost their shot at normal texting when they pulled that crap. Also while it might sound more aggressive it’s actually going to smooth out the relationship when he has legal expectations and can’t just try to manipulate you.
SmolSongs OP:
That’s something my lawyer has already discussed with me. But we can only enforce that once the babies are here.
Pixiegirl_vonKorea
Reading this post made me anxious and frustrated. Idk how you are tolerating this. She is a homewrecker w^%$%e who willingly slept with a soon to be father and in a common law relationship for a decade.
Who knows if she is infertile and saw your boyfriend as a potential baby dad without giving birth! She sounds dangerous and unstable to me. Don’t include your ex in the birth certificate of your children unless you need the child support money!
SmolSongs OP:
It’s more on him than her. He was the one I was dating, he was the one who made the choices he did. She’s acting far too entitled considering everything and she’s appeared unstable at times.
But ultimately it’s on him. He could choose to focus on being a dad or could tell her no. But he is the father and he will be on the birth certificate and he will be in their lives and I need to try and make things as stable as possible.
Difficult_Mood_3225
NTA follow what your lawyer says! I would also ask your lawyer about starting to use a parenting app now so it’s easier to document everything, and having no other communication with him except through there.
SmolSongs OP:
It would be impossible to enforce now. So that will have to wait until the babies are here. But she has written the request up already. She has been so helpful.
Difficult_Mood_3225
You may not be able to enforce it legally yet, but you can choose to only reply to him there. Even if he says something on a different platform like email or text, you can just respond there. And let him know you’re responding to whatever he said, so there’s a record of it all in one place. I also wouldn’t answer any phone calls if you can help it from either one of them. Does he know that you have a lawyer?
SmolSongs OP:
I’ll discuss this with my lawyer and see what she thinks. He knows I have a lawyer.
Puce-moments
You need to apply for child support asap. With your lawyer also put all your boundaries in writing. Stop all contact with the GF. Anytime she bothers you walk away, hang up, or close the door. You only need to deal with your ex right now.
SmolSongs OP:
My lawyer has already helped me with that. She was the one who told me to write everything down.
brightcb
I would be a very wary of Amy. She sounds unstable. Does she want to be you? She is not only unreasonable but sounds obsessed with you and your pregnancy. It’s very strange. I would not want her near the children.
SmolSongs OP:
I don’t think she wants to be me. But I think she’s insecure and probably jealous too.
denitra1984
Wtf is your ex doing exactly? He needs to get it together because what he’s doing now isn’t healthy. Good job establishing boundaries without ambiguity. His current GF sounds delusional and I’d be very careful there. You don’t want her going full on crazy pants mode thinking she’s got rights to your children.
SmolSongs OP:
I feel like leaving anything ambiguous will only hurt my kids later. Because that leads to more fighting and conflict than anything.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
