I (27F) have been with my partner (32M) for four and a half years. We’re getting married in May. One of his groomsman is a friend he’s known about 6 months longer than he’s known me.
I do not care for this particular friend, but until today, I was going to grit my teeth and bear it (and put him on the edge in any group photos).
Some background:
– This friend is a liar and a cheat (both in his romantic relationships and at things as meaningless as a board game). I’ve caught him in a lot of different lies.
– He has tried to sabotage my partner’s job. They work for the same company at the same level, and he has tried to behind my partner’s back to further his own career.
– He has crappy opinions, just in general. He thinks anyone who sells drugs should get the death penalty. He’s a staunch Trump supporter. The only books he owns are Mein Kamf, The Art of War, and something by Machiavelli. I don’t think he’s read any of them. They were chosen for the overall image they give when displayed together.
– During wedding planning, he has continuously, blatantly disregarded mine and my partners wishes for things like the bachelor party & pre-wedding events. He mentioned secretly giving everyone shrooms and driving them into the woods (a group of people including my fiancé, who does not do drugs, someone who is Muslim and very strictly halal, and a software developer who, honestly, I have no idea if he does drugs or not, but I can’t imagine he would react well to being drugged). The plan after this was to take the (drugged) groomsmen on a plane and go skydiving. He refuses to stray from this plan. Also, he isn’t even the best man.
Even with all this, I was willing to overlook it and just try to get through, hoping none of it was serious and he could at least act normal on the day of. Until today.
Last night, at 11:45 PM, he sent me a video on instagram. I don’t know if I’m allowed to link it, but it had a caption that said “her: please be normal at dinner with my parents. Me 3.2 seconds after we sit down:” and then some podcaster guy saying that society would be fixed if “all women learned to shut the fuck up” and we “put all, or at least most, of the blacks in prison, where they belong.”
My fiancé and I are white. The guy who sent it is Hispanic. My fiance and I have no issue with any ethnicity of any kind, have participated in lots of political activism, and are as far away from MAGA as you can get. I, obviously, am also a woman, and have no interest in that tradwife bullshit. And I can guarantee you my fiancé is the same.
I find this incredibly, unbelievably offensive. Truly, I cannot believe he sent it to me. I can’t imagine what possessed him at 11:45 pm on a Tuesday to blow up his entire social circle like this. I want him out of the wedding. I never want to see him again.
However, my fiancé is pretty introverted, and doesn’t have a lot of friends. He acknowledges that this guy sucks, and agrees with my assessment, but doesn’t want to cut him off because he really does have like 3 friends. I also only have like 3 friends, but I would cut any one of them off in a heartbeat if they said something like this.
FWIW, the replacement groomsman would most likely be my brother. He and my fiancé are close, and my fiancé was a groomsman in his wedding last year.
So WIBTAH if I made him pick a different person for the wedding?
TL;DR: one of my fiancé’s groomsmen sent me an inappropriate (racist, sexist) video in the middle of the night. This, among other things, makes me want to kick him out of the wedding. But my fiancé has relatively few friends. The replacement would be my brother, who he is close with and actually was in his (the brother’s) wedding last year.
