“AITA for saying no to motherhood being married for four years?”
I (30F) am an Indian woman. I mention that for context because in India, especially in traditional families, things can be very conservative for married women. I have been married for four years. I live with my husband, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, and my brother-in-law, who is my husband’s younger brother.
I never liked the idea of living with my in-laws, but it is common here and was not negotiable. It is very clear in this house that it is their house and their rules. My mother-in-law has openly said, “Either you live here our way or end the marriage. I love my son and will never let go of him.”
My husband says it more calmly, but the meaning is the same. He says, “My parents decide what happens here because we live in their house. I will not leave them for you.” I am only allowed to visit my parents, who live in another city, two or three times a year for a week or ten days at most. My mother-in-law and father-in-law decide if I can go.
My husband books the tickets but does not question them. My parents essentially have no say in my life because my in-laws do not like what they call interference in their family matters. Divorce is a huge taboo here. It is not as simple as just walking away.
I am a working woman, and honestly, only I know how hard I am fighting to hold on to my career. In this house, daughters-in-law working outside the home is not considered appropriate. I am constantly told that I should focus on family and being a good daughter-in-law.
My mother-in-law will randomly tell me to take leave from work because guests are coming and I am expected to cook. I end up taking leave because if I refuse, the conversation quickly turns into being told to quit my job.
Since I moved in, my mother-in-law has mostly stopped cooking. My daily routine is to wake up early, make breakfast for everyone, pack lunches for the men and for myself, cut fruit for them, get ready, work a nine-hour shift, come home, freshen up, cook dinner for everyone, and sleep.
Every single day. I am exhausted, physically and mentally. Now the pressure for a child has started, especially from my mother-in-law, who subtly and sometimes not so subtly wants a grandson to carry their name forward. I have never understood this obsession with having a boy.
I am ambitious and career-oriented, but more than that, I am already overwhelmed. Adding a child to this environment feels suffocating. Realistically, I know the entire responsibility would fall on me. I do not think I have the emotional or physical capacity for it. Once you become a mother, it is a lifelong responsibility.
My side of the family also wants a child. My husband says we can take some time, but eventually he wants one too. Last night, we argued about it, and he told me, “You are a selfish woman.” That word has not left my head.
Am I selfish for not wanting to bring a child into a life where I already feel controlled and exhausted? Am I wrong for not giving them the happiness of a grandchild? Am I in the wrong here?
