“WIBTA if I ask my fiancé to change her wedding dress?”
The dress itself is very beautiful but there is a backstory. My fiancé (30F) was engaged 5 years ago and was about to get married to her soon to be husband at that time. But that guy eloped with one of the bridesmaid. The wedding was cancelled. She didn’t get to walk down the aisle.
2 years after that she met me (31M) and we started dating.Now, I love her a lot. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I understand what she went through because I was cheated on as well. We are planning a wedding.
I know we are not supposed to see the wedding dress and what not so I didn’t ask which dress she will be wearing. I got to know from one of the bridesmaid that she will be wearing the same wedding dress she bought 6 years ago.I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. But I don’t think I will be comfortable seeing her in a dress that was intended for her first wedding. It feels like she is clinging onto the past wedding. I talked to her. I asked her why she wants to use an old dress and not buy a new one.
She told me this is her dream wedding dress. She made this dress just for her wedding. She hired professionals to do it. It was hand stitched. She made the design way before she even met her ex. She doesn’t want such a beautiful dress to go waste. I did tell her if she thinks it is inappropriate considering her first wedding did not happen.She told me she doesn’t want another dress. And she doesn’t see it that way. She only sees her dream wedding dress. To her, it is a perfect dress for a perfect day. And the dress is only for her and not for the groom. She also doesn’t want to spend so much money on making another dress. I dropped the matter.Look, I have been engaged before, when my ex gave me back her ring, I sold it. I bought a new one to propose my now fiancé. So isn’t it fair for me to ask her to buy a new dress rather than an old one that was meant for her first wedding?
I haven’t asked her anything. I am willing to pay more if she wants another dress. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I want her to be comfortable with her choice. But I feel like this is something we both have a say in. So aitah?
Let’s see what internet users had to say.
ryansprincesss8 writes:
So, I would agree with you if this dress was specifically for that wedding. However, as described she’s dreamed about this dress way before that wedding was even there. So in her dream wedding this is THE DRESS.
That just was not THE DAY. I think if you take a step back to see it from her point of view, the dress itself is sentimental for reasons beyond the first wedding. This dress wasn’t made with that husband in mind, but with her and what she dreams and wants.
I would agree if you proposed with the same ring from you ex fiance it would be tacky. However, say that ring was your mother’s or grandmother’s and had much more significant value than the person wearing it.
I feel like once you realized you made a mistake on the person you were going to use such a sentimental item on, you’d stow it away and make a much better choice when you did finally use that ring. Also not necessarily an AH but I feel like you could understand each other better.\
queenlegolas writes:
YTA She’s over the past. Let her do what she wants. She made that dress. She’d wear it regardless of who she’s marrying.Also, did she ever get an apology from the ex and former friend at all? Did she have a solid support?
dachsundmom3 writes:
Wow, this is a you issue, not a real issue. Yes, you’re an AH. No, you have no say in her dress. You bought a ring specifically for girl X now you are marrying girl Y. Of course you buy a different ring. The ring is for the girl and for her to wear. You aren’t wearing her dress. It’s not for you. It’s hers.
If the ring was an heirloom, you wouldn’t sell it and buy a new one. Because the gift is sharing a generational treasure to your life mate. Not a gift you specifically bought for one person and then regifted to another.
She had a dream dress that had nothing to do with her ex. It was the dress she envisioned wearing when she got married. Whenever she got married. It’s not tied to her ex or to that wedding. It’s her many years long dream made real. This is HER dress. Jeez! Why would you tarnish her dream that she had hand made? This is a insecurity issue on your part, your insecurities are your responsibility to handle. Not a burden to place on her and take away her dream.
3 days later OP came back with this update:
Ok, I received a lot of feedback. I appreciate it. I thought it would be better to just communicate my thoughts to her rather than demanding her to change the dress. I talked to her today. I said everything I mentioned in my post about my insecurities and my analogy of the ring. At the end she told me the same thing most of your guys have said.The dress represents her. It is not about the groom. She designed that dress when she was in college and came across the dresses worn by both her grandmothers. She took inspiration from their dresses and made them into her own. And my ring and her dress is not the same. At least my ex-fiance got to wear the ring.She never got to wear the dress and she is glad because the dress would have been tainted with bad memories. She wanted that dress to be an heirloom. She wanted to be buried in that dress if she ever dies.
She further told me she was going to make changes for the actual dress anyways because during her first wedding she had made some modifications. Her ex didn’t want her to have anything sleeveless so she put sleeves on it. She is going to remove the sleeves and go back to the original design.
She also told me in her original design she wanted a cape. She would take that cape off during the reception giving it an illusion of wearing 2 different dresses. But she scraped that idea because her ex thought it looks tacky. I told her I am willing to pay the money for the cape, she said she would be thrilled.
I am glad I talked to her. I am not going to ask her to change anything about the dress. She wants to go back to the original design and I am happy with that I talked to her about this. We are rushing our wedding so everything needed to be quick. And buying a new dress would be another pain.
Also a lot of you guys have been asking me to show the design. I do not have the picture of the dress. I only have pinterest links my fiancée gave me as a reference of the cape.
Edit: Since people are confused, she wants to make replica of the dress in future. The replica will be used for the burial and the actual dress she is going to wear would be passed down.
