“AITA for telling my fiancée to move out after a fight about how she treats me vs her coworkers?”
I (32M) work from home making over $100k/year. My fiancée (30F) is a doctor earning around $150k–$200k. We live in my house. Since she’s saving for her residency, I’ve never asked her to pay rent, utilities, or groceries.
I handle most household chores because I know her job is demanding. I cook for her, make sure her bed’s ready, and basically try to make home a place where she can rest without worrying about money or chores.
Recently, I found out she treats her coworkers every single day. She admits she’s a people pleaser, so I let it slide at first. But it hit me if she can be that generous with other people, why does it feel like everything she does for me comes with conditions or strings attached?
Example: I asked her to turn off the lights once because our electric bill hit $1,000 (about $200 USD). She angrily handed me $40 for electricity the only time she’s ever chipped in for bills, even though I pay about $800–$1,000/month. She’s complained about the cost of rides from my place to work, but even with that, she saves more living here than renting her own place.
One day she had the day off and actually slept well. I asked her to wash the dishes. She got mad and called her mom to join the argument something I’ve told her before is a dealbreaker. This wasn’t the first time she’s dragged her family into our disagreements.
Today we argued again when she was telling me (cheerfully) how she regularly buys her coworkers food and coffee. I told her it hurts that she’s so generous to them but keeps score when it comes to me. She tracks everything she gives me but not what she gives them.
In the heat of the moment, I said, “If this is how it’s going to be, just move out.” I know that was harsh, but I’m feeling unappreciated and like we’re not really partners more like I’m a live-in support system while she gives her best to other people. AITA for saying that? Or am I just being overly sensitive and not understanding how stressful her job is?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Certain-Thought531 said:
NTA she treats you like a doormat, good thing your spine started to grow finally.
The very fact that she goes as far as to call her mother to gang on you for some dishes is very telling, are you sure you want to marry into this?
Which_Incident_9283 said:
This has nothing to do about her stress levels. Sorry to have to tell you this but she’s using you. She has money to “treat” her friends but not pay some bills or do any chores around the house? If you stay with her you are going to have to have a serious conversation about financial responsibility.
Also, the way she’s treating you when she basically lives there for free is absolutely atrocious! Stick to your original thought. Kick her out! NTA
Corfiz74 said:
I didn’t know house-elves existed in real life. OP, here is your sock: 🧦
You are A FREE ELF!!! Go thrive in her absence!
Vivid-Farm6291 said:
Sounds like she is using you so she can afford her residency and after she is set up she will either ditch you or keep you because you pamper her and it doesn’t cost her a dime. Find a partner that won’t hesitate to pamper you and appreciate that you pamper them. NTA
Adelucas said:
I know that person. She’s so fluffy and sweet and generous to people she’s trying to impress, but behind closed doors is a tight, penny pinching mooch. Your money is her money, and she’s only spending her money where it will make an impression. I’m sure her co-workers think she’s wonderful. But it’s all an act.
If she’s earning that kind of money (more than you) she can pay her way. She doesn’t have to because you are a generous door mat who is happy for her to wipe her feet on you when she walks past.
If you have got frustrated enough to say the words follow through. This is your life and it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. Time to find someone who is on the same page as you financially. You aren’t an ATM.
Achilles_TroySlayer said:
NTA. If she has you on such a tight money-leash, she doesn’t see you as a partner. You have some sort of promise of future-benefit after you are married, but that sounds very uncertain. It seems more likely to blow up, the way you describe it.
And SerrithHollow said:
NTA. Stick to your guns. Either she wakes up and starts treating you like you matter, or she can go live with her mom and buy her coffee every day.
