“I finally heard him say what I needed to hear and it’s devastating…”
My ex-boyfriend and I are currently separating after almost 6 years together. We spent our early 20s together learning how to grow up & live life. He changed a lot in that time, is pursuing an intense, time-consuming career, and doesn’t see a future with me anymore.
This was my first real relationship and I didn’t see the red flags of him falling out of love. I just assumed it was the external stressors we were facing. In hindsight, we had a lot of problems but I just loved him and had such a deep reverence for him that I was willing to make anything work.
I know he loved me, too. He treated me like a princess and used to cry randomly about how happy he was to live with me. We were long-distance for a year before I moved in with him with several visits in between.
He converted and got very zealously involved in a new religion a couple years ago which I was initially really hesitant of, even openly hostile to. I thought that might be an incompatibility that ended us but I came around to accepting it and even participating myself because it was still him. I could always believe in our love.
The conversion took up a lot of his time, though. He joined several organizations and clubs affiliated with it. Then he started EMT school and fire academy at the same time so he was just never around. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because he said he was still happy.
I didn’t really have a Plan B, either, because he said he wanted to marry me sometime soon. we had talked about it for a while and stayed together through some tough stuff so I thought it really could happen.
At first (a couple of days ago), he told me he just needed to focus on his career and didn’t have time for me. But, that he’s so sorry and he wishes things could be different. He said that he was dreading me moving away and losing me forever and that he didn’t know if it it was the right choice, but he had to make it because he wasn’t happy right now.
Tonight, however, he admitted that he would have made time for me if i was important enough to him…which I needed to kill any hope I had inside for reconciliation.
Now I must focus on moving away from my job that I love in a place that I love and dreamed of living in because I can’t afford to stay here alone. I just want to forget this town and everything I ever did here.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
GoldieGirl68 said:
You’re young. You’ll heal and, eventually, you’ll find someone that’s right for you. As an external observer with a lot more years under my belt, I would like to offer some gentle advice.
You need to work out who you are, what you stand for, where your values lie – and you need to be true to them. Adjusting every part of your life to fit your partner’s whims isn’t love, it’s co-dependency. That isn’t healthy. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall into place.
NotABlastoise said:
I dated a girl for seven years in my twenties. At some point I just realized how unhappy I was with my life. From working, from “our” future goals, from who I was in that relationship, to just every dumb aspect including my diet. It took me about a month to just decide that wasn’t it anymore. I ended it.
She started dating someone about 6 months later, and a few years since she’s now engaged to the same guy. Silver lining, he gave you the opportunity to be happy with someone who wants to be with you. Don’t ever settle for less.
Starry-Dust4444 said:
It seems like you spent too much of your time & energy trying to fit into his life instead of creating a life of your own. You need to have your own career goals & hobbies. You don’t have to move away. You can find roommates to live with. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Just put your mind to it. Also, you don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you so stop pining for this man. He ain’t crap.
desert_dame said:
Don’t leave your job and town. Go do a room share with flatmates. Don’t change everything at once. Just say this is for the next six months. Rinse and repeat. Ask for a raise or more hours. Go for a certified in your field. Go save for a sweet vacation. Go and be your best self.
Whiteroses7252012 said:
What do YOU want? Because if you don’t know, someone will be more than happy to tell you. For the future: religion, money and children are three things that you should absolutely be in sync with from the beginning.
When I met my husband (nearly five years married with the kind of relationship that makes people sick) we had a lot of really uncomfortable, deeply unromantic conversations very early on because it was so important to us to be on the same page.
And even with all that there are still no guarantees. It’s not uncommon to grow past what you thought you wanted in your early twenties. You just…figure out who you are and go from there.
bee_zah said:
I dated my first boyfriend from 19-24 and I relate a lot to growing up together and having a relatively happy relationship. Eventually we grew apart. I realized he had no idea who I was or what I wanted in life anymore, and he no longer prioritized me and our relationship despite long standing plans of a future together.
For years after we broke up I often thought the breakup was one of the best things I ever did. I grew so much as a person, I became more outgoing, I made new and very good friends, I started my career, and today I struggle to relate to who I was when I was with him. The person you were in love with no longer exists. I’m sorry this happened, but you will be better for moving on.
