Hellooooo. I’m going to keep this short and sweet. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Prior to us getting married, I had my own business was was doing great for myself.

My husband is in the military. When we got married he encouraged me to give up my business and be a SAHM which I was fine with. The problem is now we “can’t afford the bills”. He “pays” for the two vehicles we have, insurance, his phone bill, groceries, and gas.

We live on base so we don’t pay utilities and BAH covers our home. He claims I need to get a job because we again “can’t afford the bills”. Our bills total out to about 1200 a month.

He makes about 2800 a month and I was confused because he makes more than enough. My car payment is now behind 5 months and he’s claiming the financial stress is due to me being a SAHM.I had started looking at our bank account (I’ve never checked it before and that’s on me) and found out that he eats out every single day and spends hundreds of dollars a month on sports betting sites and steam purchases. We have had the same argument for months and he just won’t stop gambling and eating out. He was spending so much that he started taking out cash advances in his name and my name and that’s what’s keeping us in a hole at this point. My credit is ruined and I’m not okay with being the scapegoat because he can’t stop spending money. So AITA for wanting out?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

newbielala

NTA- But I think the reason for the divorce is because he’s a gambling liar, rather than him blaming your soon to be repossessed car on the fact that you don’t work.

Lazuli_Rose

NTA. You’re going to need an attorney. This is going to sound like blaming but I really do not mean it to- always check bank accounts, financials and keep an eye on bills, even when married. You should know what’s going on with the family finances.

Klutzy-Letterhead359 (OP)

I’ll provide a little more clarification on the bank thing. I used to check it. We almost went through with a divorce about a year and a half ago. When that happened, he changed all his passwords. When we reconciled, I just never asked for the new one. I definitely should have though and that’s fully on me for not doing so.

Two months later, the OP returned with an update.

Since my original post a lot has happened. I visited my family for Thanksgiving, and when I got back, he told me I needed to get a job. I worked on finding one, but because I wasn’t hired within a week somewhere, all hell broke loose.

He started speaking to me in a way he never has before, degrading me, insulting me, weaponizing past traumas against me, etc. I told him finally that I was done and wanted a divorce and this infuriated him.

For days he recorded me in my own home, followed me around insulting me and calling me awful names. He would call his best friend and yell insults about me and sit there degrading me in front of our children.

He would approach me and just antagonize me continuously until I finally had enough and told him to leave me alone. He told me he didn’t have to do anything since it was his house and started screaming at me more.

He then repeatedly told me over and over that he would be taking my children from me and that I would never see them again and that the courts would side with him because I’ve already given up one child (I have an open adoption because I had a child at a very young age and wasn’t in a position to raise her). This was the last straw for me.

The following Friday, I packed as much of mine and my children’s necessities in the trunk of my car, packed up our pets, and I left. He arrived home shortly after I left and started blowing up my phone. I texted him and said I was leaving to stay with family until things calmed down and our home wasn’t a hostile environment.

He continued with more threats of taking the kids from me and making sure I get very limited time with them. During this process, he turned into some type of religious whacko, calling me the devil repeatedly, speaking about judgement day, calling me evil, and telling me a judge and his attorney were going to tear me apart in court.

Three days later I was served with an emergency order he had filed and a few days after, I received a Parentage order and Temporary Domestic Order. Mind you, this all happened over the course of only five days that I had been gone. We had a court date at the end of December.

During that court hearing, my ex decided to make up a bunch of lies to try to make me seem as if I was a neglectful parent and isolating them from him (he spoke to them 10+ times a day and I never interrupted or listened in on their time).

At the end, the orders were thrown out and the court officer stated that she believed my ex’s behavior was concerning after he openly admitted to verbally abusing me the last few weeks I was in the home, but my ex stated it was okay because “the children didn’t hear”. They were in the next room over.

Since all of this, I looked further into bills as a commenter suggested stating “I bet he’s paying his bills and neglecting hers”. Well you were right. All of his bills strictly in his name are all up to date. The only ones he is refusing to pay are our bills with both of our names on it.

He has also now taken out a total of over $1100 in cash advances in my name since I left. I was able to log into all these accounts he made, change the password, contact support and prevent it from happening even further.

He received a bonus that all service members received last month. I put $1000 of it towards the car to get caught up on payments as it was around $1900 behind. He called fraud on this payment, but thankfully I caught it in time and told the bank what was happening since I am the primary account holder.

He has since locked me out of our shared bank account and restricted all of my access. He refuses to pay off the cash advances as well stating “they are your problem now”.

I have since retained an attorney and filed for divorce. He made a big deal about “his lawyer tearing me apart”. Come to find out, he doesn’t have one. After fighting me for the last few weeks, he has given up, (I’m guessing because he doesn’t have the money to fight me on this) and we’ve came to a custody agreement.

I also started my business back up and things are looking up for us now for those that were stating I needed to work. Thank you for the harsh truths, reality checks, and honest opinions.

I swear some of you have crystal balls and can predict the future. I never saw these horrible escalations coming and I never dreamed that he would ever speak to me the way that he was the last few weeks I was there. But anyways, there’s a small update. I’ll answer any clarifying questions that I can. Thx again.

Here are some clarifying points that people asked about on the original post, so people don’t have to look through the comments to find:

My ex is active duty in the Military. We don’t pay rent or utilities. Our bills total to about $1200-$1400 a month. He makes $2800 a month.

I was a stay-at-home mom to two children. We never had financial issues to begin with when he was making less money at a lower rank. It only became an issue when he started gambling and eating out multiple times a day.

Why didn’t I work? Daycare costs a fortune and I didn’t want to work just for my entire check to go towards daycare costs and it made no sense to do so. We almost got a divorce a about a year and a half ago due to him cheating. When this happened, he changed passwords to everything. When we reconciled, I never asked for the new ones. I just trusted that he would pay the bills like he always had.

I was encouraged to reach out to his command. I did. They did nothing and said it was a civil matter. I then reached out to the IG who then told me the same thing. My family paid for my attorney, as I am not in any financial position to be able to afford one.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Key-Phone-3648

You may want to report him to his CO. I cannot legally nor ethically diagnose someone over the internet, but his behavior is giving red flags for Bipolar Disorder, specifically a manic episode with his risky behavior (gambling) and turning to sudden religiosity and calling you the devil.

I think (but don’t quote me) if you report to his CO, the military may do an involuntary psych eval and either get him treated or thrown out.

Klutzy-Letterhead359 (OP)

I spoke with his CO and the IG, (Inspector General’s Office). They informed me he had done nothing wrong and that I would need to take him to civil court over any loans and cash advances he stacked up in my name. I told them everything that has happened. They didn’t seem too worried about it though.

vp_wiz

You need to consult a lawyer immediately to assess how you can best protect yourself from his behavior and how best to exit from this relationship while securing your kids’ best interests. NOW!!

MommaKim661

Document Document Document. He’s digging himself a hole. Also, I’d file a police report of all the stuff he’s taken out in your name you had no idea about. That’s identity theft. Update me.

Klutzy-Letterhead359 (OP)

I did and was told it’s a civil matter because we’re married. I was kind of shocked. But I have day to day documentation of everything that’s happened, bank statements (until I couldn’t see anything anymore), his texts admitting to taking out the cash advances, the cash advances and how they are overdue, etc.