“My (M20) pregnant girlfriend (F20) wants my support but won’t talk to me after we got bad news about our baby.”
My girlfriend is 14 weeks pregnant. It was definitely an accident. We’re both 20 yo. We’re in college and have only been dating for 8 months. Let’s be real, we messed up. I told her I’d support whatever she decided and I meant that even though it scared me.
Internally, I kind of freaked out when she said she wanted to keep the baby. I’ve been trying to mentally accept that I’m going to be a dad and I still can’t really wrap my head around it. I love her and I want to be a good dad. I just honestly have no idea what I’m doing.
My parents are pissed and think I’m ruining my life. She had an ultrasound a few weeks ago. I went with her and when I saw the baby I was surprised by the sudden rush of happiness I felt. Like genuinely happy. It was this rush mixed with absolute panic because it suddenly felt real.
Before that, part of me was quietly hoping there wasn’t actually a baby and it was all some mistake. I didn’t think I’d be mad at all if there was just nothing on the screen at all. Everything looked normal on the ultrasound, but they found a spot on the baby’s heart.
The doctor said it can be nothing and sometimes disappears, but it can also be a marker for things like Down syndrome. The moment she said that I just felt a giant knot form in my stomach. The doctor said sometimes those spots mean nothing and since my girlfriend is so young that chances were probably still pretty good that everything was fine with the baby.
She recommended blood test to screen for Down syndrome and other things. Yesterday we got the results that there’s a high risk of trisomy 21 aka Down Syndrome. It said the risk was 84%. I don’t really get exactly how that percentage is figured out. Everything else was low risk. The baby is a boy.
There’s another test we can do, to pretty much confirm one way or another. My girlfriend doesn’t know if she wants to do it yet. She’s completely overwhelmed, which I get since it’s barely been 12 since we found out. She basically shut down emotionally and didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
I feel like I’m drowning. I was already terrified about having a baby at all. We aren’t prepared for a perfectly healthy kid, let alone one who may have serious medical needs. I was still in the process of convincing myself we could do this. I keep reading that Down syndrome isn’t just developmental. It can come with heart problems and lifelong health issues.
I don’t know what I feel. Part of me wants to be strong and supportive no matter what. Another part of me is scared out of my mind and wondering how we’re ever going to handle this. It just feels impossible to me. I’m not prepared to handle all of this. I feel like I shouldn’t even be allowed to be responsible for somebody else, let alone somebody with special needs and health issues.
I understand that she’s overwhelmed, but her behavior toward me has changed in ways I don’t know how to respond to. She barely talks to me now unless it’s about something practical. If I ask how she’s feeling, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it or changes the subject. She’s spending way more time alone, scrolling on her phone or watching videos with headphones in.
When I try to be there for her physically, like sitting with her or checking in, she feels distant and uncomfortable, almost like she doesn’t want me around. What’s confusing is that she still expects me to be supportive, but I don’t know what that means when she won’t communicate with me at all.
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t want to push her when she’s clearly struggling, but I also feel shut out and useless. At the same time, I’m dealing with my own fear. I was already scared about becoming a parent at our age, and now I’m panicking internally about finances, school, and whether I’m capable of handling everything that might come with this.
I don’t know if I should keep giving her space, even though it feels like she’s pulling away from me, or if I should push for a real conversation even if it upsets her in the short term. How do you support somebody who shuts you out during a crisis? At what point does giving space turn into avoiding the problem?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Metagross wrote:
Two 20-year-olds that barely know each other raising a kid with Downs Syndrome sounds untenable, sorry to say. Especially if you live in a country that does not provide adequate healthcare and disability support.
OP responded:
No, you’re right.
Minute_Box3852 wrote:
You need to talk to her. My parents were 20 when they had my Down Syndrome sister. OP, do not be fooled by the media and social media where they glamorize things and make ds look normal and wonderful by showing the smartest and healthiest. It’s not reality. I’m not saying this to scare you but to be realistic in your expectations when making this decision. This is especially important for your GF.
My sister was a year older than me so this was my entire life. My parents kept her active in down syndrome groups, activities and special Olympics. Being so close in age I was there for ALL of it. They ended up finding a group home for her when she was 13 bc it can become too much. She thrived there with other downs.
It was very rough for my parents. My mom couldn’t work bc she was caring for her and her extensive needs 24/7. Also, what happens a lot is subsequent kids such as myself end up unintentionally kind of invisible.
In all my years growing up and being around the downs community I’ve never met one as “normal” as the media portrays in the reality shows we’ve seen. None. They’re all very sweet and loving but vast majority are definitely cognitively disabled. My sister has the heart conditions a lot have and had two strokes by the age of 2 which paralyzed her left side.
shestipsy wrote:
I’m gonna tell you my experience and maybe it will help you. I got pregnant and I was very torn. My boyfriend said he would support me no matter what, and 100% he absolutely would’ve. This was seven years ago and we are still in a really healthy relationship.
We talked through the options and it was really hard, and ultimately, he said to me, we are not ready to have a baby, we should not have a baby. He had painted the picture of what it would look like for us to have a baby at that time, and that picture was not at all how I wanted my life to be.
I really needed him in that moment to be that direct with me because the hormones and the emotions were too much for me and I was just swimming in at all. I knew he was right. And he was. Your girlfriend may need you to do the hard thing and be direct if you haven’t already.
OP responded:
Maybe I’ll try that, if she doesn’t literally run away or start having a meltdown and refuse to listen, which is what she’s been doing lately.
IcyCinnabon wrote:
My advice and personal opinion- don’t bring a child into the world if you’re not ready for them. If you do, they will not be raised properly or as they should be raised even the bare minimum won’t be able to be met by you two.
You dated for 8months. That is NOT enough time to determine if a person is a right partner and even less to determine if they’d be a good parent. Figure out your ideal future and plans and go based on that.
OP responded:
I agree with most of what you’re saying, but to be clear, I’m not asking for advice about whether to end the pregnancy or not. 1) it’s not really my choice, I can only voice my opinion and feelings, but at this point I can’t even do that since she doesn’t really want to talk about it and 2) that’s probably outside of the scope of this place.
Two weeks later, OP shared an update:
I’ve had a lot of people reach out asking how things are going, so I wanted to post an update. First, I want to clear something up because I got a lot of advice that I didn’t actually follow. I did not trap my girlfriend in a car, threaten to leave, or try to force her to talk or make a decision.
After we got the screening results, I backed off and gave her space for a few days.
The following Monday, I told her I understood why she didn’t want to talk, but that we couldn’t just avoid it forever. I said that being stuck in total indecision wasn’t fair to either of us. That’s when she finally opened up.
She told me she’d basically been trying to mentally ignore everything because it felt too overwhelming. She admitted she felt really guilty even thinking about abortion if the baby had Down syndrome and that it made her feel like a terrible person. At the same time, she was scared to keep going without knowing for sure, especially because getting more testing could push things later into the pregnancy.
After a long, really hard conversation, she decided she wanted diagnostic testing. Because of the timing, her doctor referred her for an urgent amniocentesis, but it still didn’t happen until about a week later. We’re still waiting on the full results, which will probably take y least another week, but we got some of the initial results back yesterday, and the amniocentesis is positive for Down syndrome.
Before the test, she talked like she’d probably get an abortion if it was confirmed. Now that it actually is, she’s saying she can’t do it. She says it feels wrong to her and that she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she ended the pregnancy because of this.
I’m honestly not handling this well. We’re 20 (will both be 21 before the baby’s due), in college, and broke. We were already struggling to even picture having a healthy baby. Now we’re looking at raising a kid with a lifelong disability and possibly serious medical problems, including a possible heart issue that already showed up on an ultrasound.
I don’t feel ready for this at all. I don’t see how we could realistically handle this financially or emotionally. All I see is a really depressing life of nothing but struggling from here on out. I feel bad for thinking that way but it’s just the truth.
I know she’s scared too. She’s not pretending this will be easy or that everything will magically work out. But she feels like she morally can’t have an ab*rtion, and I feel like I morally can’t pretend this is something we’re actually capable of handling.
I don’t want to pressure her or make things worse for her. But I also don’t know how to just keep my mouth shut when it feels like this decision is going to permanently change both of our lives in ways we’re not prepared for. How do I continue this relationship and communicate respectfully when we fundamentally disagree about whether to continue this pregnancy?
Here’s what people had to say to OP’s update:
handy_solo wrote:
Hey OP, this will probably get buried but my husband and I are going through a kinda similar situation, but through the lens of married and financially stable 30-something’s who have a planned and very wanted pregnancy affected by serious heart defects that will significantly shorten baby’s life and cause serious pain and disability through their short life, should we carry to term.
I can’t imagine being 20 in this situation, we’re so unprepared now for making this decision but it ultimately comes down to: Would you choose this life (serious medical problems, poor QOL, short lifespan) for a child? You’re nearly children yourselves.
Your adult lives are still forming. It’s ok to be selfish, for your futures, for your future kids (if you want them) Your gfs OB might have a genetic counselor on staff to speak with, or a women’s health counselor. she might just need someone to talk to who is not in crisis mode.
i_love_hummus wrote:
I’m so so sorry OP. As someone who had a TFMR (termination for medical reasons) of my very wanted, very loved, but very sick first daughter, I understand some of the terrible situation you are both in.
I would suggest you both looking at the sub TFMR_support. It doesn’t mean having to make the decision to TFMR, but many of the people posting there are in the place you currently are, trying to decide.
Lots of posts about how uniquely hard the “grey diagnosis” are, particularly T21, when you don’t know what your baby’s life will be like. It may help to remove some of the guilt so she can see what she actually feels is right in her heart, not just what she thinks she should feel. Thinking of you both ❤️
thedarkestbeer wrote:
Don’t keep your mouth shut. The decision is ultimately hers, but she deserves to have all the information, including that her potential coparent is terrified and does not want her to carry the pregnancy to term.
