“AITA for giving my friend a much-needed reality check?”

My mate and I are both in our mid-30s. We’ve known each other for over 20 years and, realistically, we’ve been each other’s main support system for most of that time. He’s the only person I speak to regularly and I’m the same for him. Let’s call him Dave.I recently moved to another city for work, so we don’t get to hang out in person anymore. We still call every few days, and despite everything, I genuinely love the guy like a brother. I don’t see us ever not being in each other’s lives. I could go on about his best qualities.But respectfully… Dave has all my worst traits, but turned up to 100. I struggle with depression and social anxiety too, but I’ve been putting in the effort to turn things around: I’ve been exercising, getting outside, forcing myself into small social situations, and trying to look after myself even on the rough days.

Dave, on the other hand, has been going the opposite direction. He barely leaves the house anymore. His hygiene has dropped off dramatically. He doesn’t try to take care of himself physically or emotionally, and whenever I gently encourage him, he brushes it off or gives me the ‘what’s the point?’ line. I’m not a therapist, and I’ve told him that. I can support him, but I can’t fix him.The recurring issue is this: Dave has never been romantic with anyone, which isn’t a problem on its own. I’ve had my own struggles in that area, and being single is not a character flaw.The problem is that every few weeks he spirals into a rant about how unfair life is, how “no girl will ever want someone like him,” and how the universe has personally decided he doesn’t get love.

Last week during a call, I snapped. Not yelling, just brutal honesty. I told him, ‘You never leave the house, you don’t shower, you don’t groom yourself, and you spend all day doom-scrolling and feeling sorry for yourself.You can’t expect someone to magically appear when you’re doing nothing to make yourself feel better or put yourself out there. Even if it’s not guaranteed, you’re making your odds worse. Honestly you’re starting to think like an incel’.He absolutely lost it. He called me unsupportive, rude, and even called me a traitor. Then he said some genuinely nasty things about my ex-fiancée leaving me. It was stuff that came out of nowhere and cut pretty deep.

I hung up.He’s tried calling me a few times since, but I haven’t picked up because I’m still heated and honestly a bit hurt. I’m sure we will eventually talk things out but I’m very nervous about our next conversation too. So… AITA for finally giving him the reality check he’s refused to hear for years?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

techbear72

NTA. Part of having long standing close friends is that they get to be actually honest with us. Sometimes even things that make you feel bad are also true and it’s those deep friendships that allow us to say it out loud.

YakCertain5472

“The ‘what’s the point?” line is concerning. As are the hygiene issues. He may need to be evaluated for depression. It can cause the things you are describing.

pay_student_loan

100% NTA. Blah blah don’t light yourself on fire to warm someone else. People can listen to self inflicted drama for only so much. Now with that out of the way. You tried many times to be gentle. You then tried being just honest and got shut down. Maybe pick up the next time and see how he feels.

People make mistakes but people can also double down. Maybe he realized his fault and wants to apologize. Maybe he wants to double down. Only way to find out is to pick up the phone next time if you don’t want to call him yourself, then go from there. If you don’t talk, well then things are already done anyway.

Four days later, the OP returned with an update.

Since my original post, Dave and I finally had a proper conversation. I gave him a call the day after the post. He told me that what I said genuinely hurt him, but he also admitted that, deep down, he knew I was right.

He ended up breaking down and opening up in a way he never has before. He said this isn’t the life he pictured for himself, that he feels like he’s let his family down, and that he worries it’s “too late” to turn things around.

For context I didn’t include earlier: Dave comes from a very strict Asian household. He was expected to become a high-earning professional, and while his two younger siblings have gone on to build successful careers and start families, Dave burned out in uni.

He told me that watching his siblings thrive while he struggled has crushed his self-esteem over the years. He also revealed that his dad refuses to speak to him now. This is something I had no idea about until this conversation.

He said he did understand that I was coming from a place of love, but I apologised for the way my bluntness came across. He also apologised for the comment he made about my ex-fiancée, which really did cross a line, and we cleared the air there.

I tried reassuring him that he’s always been an incredible friend and a genuinely good person. I reminded him that his siblings used to look up to him (and still come to him for advice sometimes), which says a lot about who he is beyond his struggles.

I told him I’d support him however I reasonably can, but that real change has to come from him. And to his credit, he’s started taking some small steps: he promised to get back into basic self-care, look into therapy, and try easing himself into a routine again. He even went out, got his long greasy hair cut, shaved, and honestly he looks like a different person already. That alone seemed to lift his spirits a bit.

Going forward, I’m planning to approach things with more empathy and patience. Life has genuinely hit Dave hard, and I want to help him climb out of this rough spot at a pace that’s realistic for him.

I know what it’s like to feel trapped in a dark place, and I’m hoping that with enough time and support, he’ll eventually find his way out. We’re meeting up back in our hometown next week, and we’re going to be watching some of our favourite movies at his place!

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

tamingunicorn

This is the best kind of update. Most people get defensive when you call them out, but Dave actually sat with it and opened up. The fact that he broke down means he was carrying all of that alone. You being honest might have been the first time someone gave him permission to stop pretending everything was fine.

RogueHeroAkatsuki

Good job, sometimes thats what friends are for – to tell truth, even if painful. Hopefully this will be push Dave needed badly for years to start looking forward again.

jenorama_CA

Aw, man. Parental pressure really does a number on people. It’s honestly never too late. My BFF had terrible anxiety as a teenager and young adult that made school difficult, but she got her degree at 50 and is pursuing her masters. Believe in Dave and he can start believing In himself.

FabulousTrick8859

Awesome update. You sound like a really good friend and that’s great.

I hope Dave finds himself again.

DepressedTimTam (OP)

Thank you!

I hope so too. Very excited to hang out with him after a long while.

“AITA for giving my friend a much-needed reality check?”