“Is my (23m) boyfriend setting me (22f) up for future financial failure?”
Per the title, I feel like my boyfriend may be setting me up for financial failure. I am saying this not because he’s financially incompetent, but because he’s so smart that I think he has already started setting himself up without me, and now I’m nervous.My boyfriend and I have been together of 7 years. Around year three, my boyfriend convinced me to start a joint savings account. We weren’t living together at the time, but it was so we would be able to start saving for a house since we essentially agreed this is what we really wanted for each other.Through the years we have each pulled from the savings, and of course we always talk to each other about how much and why. I think because of this savings account, we have been able to keep an eye on each other and our contributions financially.
I would say we have equally contributed to this account, but the same can go for taking money out (car problems, unaccounted student debts, etc). We have agreed that the only time we pull from it is when an emergency happens, EXCEPT for the few times my boyfriend has taken money to put into stocks.This doesn’t happen often, only when he shows me what stock he wants to invest in and some decent back up as to why he wants to/why it’s important to invest at that moment. Each time he has done this, it has been very successful.Each time, my boyfriend says let’s leave that money in there. Each time he goes from saying our stocks to MY stocks. My boyfriend has always said that the money in his stocks with help fund our retirement and hopefully set our kids up in the future (he comes from decent wealth I come from upper lower class).
But he also talks about what his stocks can get him, what he can do with them, and how he wants to trade with them. He talks more possessively over his stocks compared to how I talk about my retirement and personal savings, I see those as an investment into OUR future.Truthfully, how he talked before never bothered me, not until he asked to take from OUR savings tonight. My boyfriend did the same thing he normally does when he proposes a stock, except this time he wanted to take a LOT of money. This made me feel uncomfortable as it wasn’t for an emergency, so I gave him some push back.He got annoyed and so I jokingly say “Fine, but you have to sign a written agreement that if we breakup I get 15% of the stock.” Never in our entire relationship has he changed his facial expression into such disgust like he did in that moment. I kid you not, he looked me dead in the eyes and said “I will do anything for you, but never ask me for money. Ever.”
And it made me instantly feel so uncomfortable and like I did something evil. Pretty quickly I got annoyed as I realized that would be MY money too, I contributed to the savings therefore he’s using OUR money and it should be an OURS thing not just him.I said something similar to that as a rebuttal, but then he told me that was not the case. This was his account, and his money in these stocks, though he did reiterate “It will go towards our retirement though. I just don’t want you to ask for it or try to take it.”I’m nervous that I might be getting set up for financial failure if I allow him to do this any longer if this is his mindset. It also makes me scared that once we do get married, if we ever divorce for any reason that he’s not going to let me leave with ANYTHING even if I contributed.I’ve never once looked at my boyfriend for financial reasons, in fact for the first two years of our relationship I was the only one with a job so I paid for EVERYTHING (yes it was high school time but I still funded it). I don’t know if I’m just overthinking this situation or if I’m just now realizing I may have been investing into my boyfriend’s pockets instead of ours as a couple?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
bluethrulu wrote:
You need to go through that accounts transactions and deposits. Figure out what you’ve put in and taken out then take out the test of your money and run for the hills. The way he just spoke to you absolutely is not the way a partnership should be run.
You are smart to realize something is off. This is setting you up for financial abuse and worse. Do not marry this man, do not have kids with this man. It’s him vs you, not us vs the world to him.
small_constant1979 wrote:
This is why marriage isn’t just a “piece of paper”. It’s security. Withdraw your share of the money from the account IMMEDIATELY! Investing money in stocks is very risky, is he investing in crypto/coins (bc that’s even worse risk-wise)?
Do not share finances until you are living together, set an amount to put into a shared account to pull bills from or divvy up bills equally/based on income. If you get married and do not have a prenup, most of the time, you will get 50% of assets obtained during the marriage, anything before can lead to a lengthy divorce settlement. Best way to protect your current contributions is to get married.
But the way he is acting about it being HIS financial portfolio despite him pulling money from a joint account, leave him! He can hire a financial advisor and create a portfolio with both of your names on it if the money is coming from a joint account, he is CHOOSING NOT to.
bjjfan23315 wrote:
That never ask me for money line is a huge red flag when he’s literally using YOUR joint savings for his stocks. Stop letting him pull from that account for investments if he wants to invest, he uses his own money.
Spiritual_Being5845 wrote:
He’s not setting you up for financial failure, he’s grooming you for financial abuse. Stay with him and in about 10-15 years you will be working full time yet begging him for money to buy groceries or to be able to go see the dentist.
