I’m 34, I’m dying, and I’m fucking terrified.
I have terminal brain cancer. I’m not even sure I want to say what kind. Doesn’t matter. It’s the kind that wins. Doctors are saying months, maybe less if things go south fast. I’ve tried to keep it together for my wife, my daughter (she’s not even 3 yet), my parents, friends… but I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life.
People keep saying “stay strong” or “just take it one day at a time.” But how the fuck do you do that when every day is just one step closer to leaving the people you love behind?
I look at my daughter and wonder if she’ll remember me at all. That’s the part that’s breaking me the most. Will she remember how I made her pancakes? How I did that dumb little bunny voice that always made her giggle? Or is she just going to grow up with photos and a couple of videos and that’s it? I watch my wife trying to be strong and holding it together for everyone, and I know she cries in the bathroom so I won’t hear. We haven’t really talked about the end. We sort of pretend it’s not real. Or we talk in practicalities; paperwork, insurance, what she’ll need to do when I’m gone, but not about it. The actual not being here anymore part. I’m scared of the pain, yeah. But more than that I’m scared of missing everything. Her first day of school. Her reading her first book. Her falling in love. I want to be there so badly it physically hurts. I don’t even know what I want from writing this. I guess I just needed to say it out loud. I’m not strong. I’m not brave. I’m just a dad who’s dying and doesn’t want to leave his little girl behind.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Start writing letters for your daughter and wife for big milestones. Like grad, turning certain areas. Make videos for your daughter reading bedtime stories with special books.
I hope your journey is an easy one.
Sobbing. This is such a great idea. Wedding video. Put something together so you can “walk her down the aisle” like a necklace or something she can wear. Get her jewelry with your handwriting on it. Record your voice telling stories to her about your life
Stories about *her* life. How you felt when you found out she was on the way, born, first steps, all of that. Her origin stories will be precious.
I think both work. She won’t know him. Those videos of his stories will be some of her only connections to him.
She’ll definitely want to know about her dads life
A wedding video is such a good idea. You mentioning voice recordings made me think of Build-a-Bear.
OP, I hope you see this comment. If you have a Build-A-Bear where you live, you can make a stuffed animal for your daughter and put a voice recording in it. They have bunny stuffies available, you could make one and insert a voice recording of you talking in the silly bunny voice that she loves.
Also birthday cards! Buy one for each year and write in them the things you hope for your child at that age, the things you wish you were there to tell them etc.
Edit: if every birthday is too much, try just doing the big years. 10, 16, 18, 21, 25… maybe an “on your wedding day” card. Something to allow her to feel connected to you on those big days.
I heard about a guy who paid for his wife to get flowers on future special days after he was gone, like anniversaries and birthdays. OP could do something like that for his wife and his daughter.
I have a friend whose dad died of cancer when he was 7. His father wrote him many letters before he died. Some of the letters were for specific life events. Some were more general, like, “open this when all seems lost and you don’t know what to do.”
My friend is 55 now. He’s been opening those letters for 48 years and he still has some left. He says it has kept his father alive and in relationship with him in a way that has been so special, so important, and so unbelievably potent. He has gotten to go to his dad for advice, to revisit that advice, and to look forward to new “conversations” with him even though he is not physically here. It has made an immense difference to him over the years.
Also, you’re enduring a million heart breaks every day now. Maybe it is opening you to something. I believe, and my faith tradition teaches me, that God often will give us the gift of a broken heart so that we might be filled with beauty, truth, and insight. Belief is a difficult thing, and never solidly built under compulsion, but life—and yes, death—also opens us to deeper levels of what it means to be human.
Create an email account for her and send her a bunch of emails, for her to have later. This is something we are doing for our children.
I wish I could upvote you a thousand times but unfortunately i can do only one so we have to imagine the extra 0’s .
Furthermore OP, i wish i had something magical to say that makes you feel better but I honestly don’t know what to say to this and I’m in tears a bit too as your words are piercing through me as I imagine what i would say, do or feel when i eventually will be in your shoes. But please know that i feel for you and keep you in what is my idea of prayers and wish you all the love in the world as well as to your family and hope that you’ll be able to create some beautiful core memories together. ❤️
I lost a couple of dear friends to cancer in recent years, one to brain cancer.
I highly recommend following Andrea Gibson. Do your best to make the most of the time that you have left with the people you love. Connect. Say all the things you want to say.
Any of us could have 4 days, weeks or months. It completely fucking sucks that you’re getting your life cut short. There’s no doubt about that.
But the next time your wife goes in the bathroom to cry, go in there with her. You’re still here. Hold her while you can, don’t leave her alone already.
“You’re still here. Hold her while you can, don’t leave her alone already.” – might be the 2 most important sentences in this post.
Not me crying like a sad little baby 😭
This whole post and your answer is heart shatteringly raw and sad 😔
OP- make a video of you just talking to the recording as if you were talking to your daughter with all your emotions. Sad, angry and whatever it is you’re feeling as you explain to her what she means to you and what’s going on. The worst thing for those who are left behind is having questions and no one to answer. I often reflect to my sisters sudden passing at the ripe age of 22. I often wonder if she thought about me, was she sad? Was she lonely? Was she looking forwards to seeing me again? Luckily I have a letter a month before and I read it so frequently (it’s 18 years ago now). It’s comforting how she was mocking our uncle and just being her, I got parts of it tattooed on me and it makes me feel like she’s with me always. Let your daughter have those things to see, to hold onto and remember you by. I would go as far as having those voice recorder plushies for her. But a few hand casting kits and do one with your wife, your daughter and one with both. Sorry life is so unfair. Hold both your girls tight every chance you get, smell them deep into your memory and tell them you love them.
It’s ok to not be ok. I truly hurt for you and your family, may this period be filled with great memories and peace for you.
My husband died suddenly last August from an aneurysm. It was a shock. My advice to you is both sentimental and practical. Get your papers in order, do not die without a will. Write your daughter and wife some letters. Make a recording of the bunny voice. You have the time to do it. Don’t waste your time worrying.
I wish I knew what to say this post made me cry.
Just be the best man you can be while you are still here, your family will always appreciate and remember you bro.
Life isn’t fair. I’m sorry sir.
I’m so sorry for you to have to go through this. As for your daughter, make as many videos as you can, saying happy birthday, high school graduation, wedding. She will cherish this even if she doesn’t remember it in the moment. What you have done matters, she will be who she is in part because of you, and nothing will ever take that away
do you have any OP:????
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“AITA for considering a divorce because my husband hid a major medical secret?”
I (25 F) have been married to my husband (30M) for almost three years now. About a year and a half into our marriage, when we couldn’t conceive, we both got tested. ( i begged him to get tested after visiting different doctors on my own). My results were normal, but his showed azoospermia (zero sperm count) and the kind that wasn’t treatable. Doctors told us there was no hope for natural conception.
After I insisted and we explored a couple different options we got to know IVF was the only possible treatment if we want our own children. I love children and always dreamt of it and he appreciated the idea with equal enthusiasm too if not more both before and after marriage. Anyway, his family tried their level best to keep us from going ahead with the IVF saying it’s futile and a waste of money but after months we finally got them on board too. Then, even though my body was healthy, I went through painful, invasive procedures for IVF, thinking we were both equally invested in trying and personally suffered serious side effects bcz i was young and all my labs were normal.
The doctor already warned us that i might face side effects bcz of age and good labs but we went ahead nevertheless. Throughout this process, my husband and his family would take him to his doctor appointments without me, which felt strange but I didn’t push at the time. I was only taken when i had to see my doctor because we had to have IVF ICSI.But because the sperms we retrieved from his body surgically were just a few and all abnormal and immotile our IVF failed. I was devastated and doctors told this was our last option and only round and there’s no hope left so I started thinking seriously about adoption.Then one day, I accidentally came across a medical document showing that when my husband was 15, he had a surgery where one testicle was removed and the other was operated on to bring it down in its position it hadn’t descended till he was 15 ( the suggested age for this procedure is within 18 months ). This is why he couldn’t father a child naturally and he knew of this surgery all along.He admitted it when I confronted him. Me and my trust was completely shattered. He and his family had deliberately hidden this from me before marriage and during our fertility journey.
I feel like I was robbed of the choice to decide if I wanted to marry him knowing this, and I endured unnecessary pain emotionally and physically because of the lie. Had he told me earlier I would have just accepted it because I had already understood that motherhood might not be in my fate with him.What’s worse is that instead of remorse, he started manipulating me and telling me I’m “sinful,” “ungrateful,” and that I never valued what he gave me and i was just looking for a way out and found my reasoning.Although that’s not true and i love him more than anything i just can’t understand how can he do that to me i have accepted his anger outbursts, periodic joblessness infertility narcissistic tactics everything only for him to make me feel that way now when i was already so broken.He twists the story to make it seem like I’m abandoning him over a medical issue, when in reality, it’s the deliberate deception and emotional harm that I can’t live with.
Now, I want to separate. He refuses to divorce me but says he will agree to a mutual separation if I return the dowry and gifts, which I’m willing to do. He keeps telling me I’m sinful and ungrateful for wanting to leave, which makes me feel guilty and confused. (EDIT: dowry and gifts include jewelry in our culture that husband n his relatives gift the wife n wife’s family does the same for the other side ) For clarity: I come from a religious and conservative family, this was my first intimate partner so I couldn’t figure out his surgical history. HIS SIDE: He says he hid it from me because he didn’t Know it will affect his fertility and when the reports came, he chose not to share it out of care and love because he found me very disturbed already and didn’t want to worry me further and that he didn’t lie, just kept some truth to himself. 🙃 Mind you i had a minor medical history and i told him everything in detail before marriage so he had a chance then too but he chose not to. Now i don’t know how’s that logical, but my close friends and family believe his reasoning is just manipulation and the fact he is still not owning up and turning it around on me shows moving on with him wouldn’t be wise at all. My questions for you: 1. Would you consider this level of dishonesty a dealbreaker? 2. Is it wrong for me to leave, even though he says he “loves” me? 3. How do I stop feeling guilty when deep down I know I was deceived? I’m so heartbroken and years with him n his narcissistic ways have effed up my logical brain.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Araveni said:
1.) yes. He subjected you to MULTIPLE futile medical procedures knowing they would be futile
2.) Leave. Now. Find someone who loves you more than his own ego and pride.
3.) You are literally the only person in this situation who should NOT feel guilty.
Cute-Profession9983 said:
The only sinful people here are the lying, manipulative liar who oyt you through unnecessary pain and trauma and the family that helped him. Keep the damn dowry. It’s the least he owes you.
Affectionate_Beach45 said:
He can’t “refuse” to divorce. He can create a contentious, difficult situation, but he can’t hold you hostage, especially with the ammunition you have. He and his family are gremlins. You absolutely cannot withhold something as major as infertility from a potential spouse, but they knew it would be a deterrent to many women, so they lied with no remorse.
They’re despicable. Nothing ties you to him. Get out now. You’ll find someone better, I promise. You’re still very young and can have the children you desire.
TararaBoomDA said:
If I were in your position, I would be VERY tempted to sue him for fraud, given that he married you under false pretenses. Dealbreaker? YES! Wrong to leave him? NO! NO! NO!
If he truly “loves” you, he wouldn’t have lied to you in the first place, and he wouldn’t be acting like such a dickwad. So, don’t feel guilty. Because the only one here who should feel guilty is the lying liar. And the lying liar ain’t you.
OP responded:
That’s what my father thinks too, specifically the fraud and suing thing
GnomePun said:
If he were honest, I’d stay. The willful deceit makes him permanently untrustworthy. I wouldn’t want to live my life that way. Always doubting my partner words, actions intentions.
OP responded:
Yeah i chose to stay anyway and give up on my dream of motherhood which was devastating knowing we will now never be able to have our children but when I found out he wasn’t being truthful then everything changed. It broke me in the worst possible way because i had so much empathy and love for him and the emotional abuse that followed made it all worse 😔
Usual_Bumblebee_8274 said:
Wow. Nta. Honey- he put you through hell. On purpose. He wasted a lot of money, time & put strain/pain on your health. To manipulate. He still isn’t sorry. He’s still playing games & not owning up to what he did. I am assuming you are not in the states (since there is a dowry/gifts) so I don’t know about where you are from but most places- you don’t need his permission for a divorce.
I don’t think love is that manipulative. He sounds so petty & selfish. To put you through all of that (his family too). I mean you know they all thought they were smart & playing you (helping him deceive you). They probably had a good laugh. I don’t understand why the drs didn’t inform you, they should have. The real question isn’t how you should move past this- it’s why you would want to
OP responded:
I was never taken to the doctors that could have told me that he went alone or with his family i only met the doctor when my bit of the IVF process started with gynecologist while his was a urologist and m assuming doctors must have thought i knew everything like normal couples do.
what is your OP????
