“Am I overreacting? Wedding guest called my caterers.”
My fiancé (34M) and I (36F) are in the final stages of wedding planning. We have a handful of guests with allergies/dietary restrictions that would be otherwise limited by our buffet options. One of the guests (one of the groomsmen’s wives) has several severe allergies and gave them to us in detail.
We gave those allergies/restrictions to our caterers, who went through their full menu and selected 5 alternative options that met every allergy and restriction. We are only allowed to pick 1 of those for all the guests so we did a small poll and luckily all of the guests picked the same option … except for the one with the severe allergies.
She asked if there was a way for her to have meat. But that wasn’t going to be an option because we are allowed one specialty meal and others we need to accommodate are vegetarian.
A few days later, we still hadn’t heard back from her with her selection, so we reached out again and we were told that she and her husband “took care of it.” Turns out, they went to our venue site, found the caterers, and “made their own arrangements” so she could have chicken kebabs.
I was floored. Why didn’t they tell us they were doing that? Why didn’t my caterers tell me? I reached out to the caterers and they said they hadn’t realized my fiancé and I didn’t know the guest was calling them.
They also didn’t know this was a guest we already gave the specialty meal options to. They thought she was just an overly concerned guest who hadn’t alerted me to her full allergies.
This guest’s husband is in our wedding party and has been friends with my fiancé for decades. My fiancé is a godparent to their children. Is this something I’m overreacting to because I’m generally stressed leading up to the wedding? Or am I right to be annoyed?
EDIT: (In case my reply is buried in the comments): The catering company owns the venue, which is how they knew who to call. The caterers were under the assumption we were in the loop, but because we weren’t part of the conversation to agree to any extra costs before they agreed to make an additional meal, they won’t charge us for it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Stoic_STFU
Do the changes add to the cost of the catering? Why hasn’t your husband spoken to his friend about this?
midnight_peony54
For real, If it’s his best friend, why’s he letting her deal with the drama instead of handling it?
kasthedumb
She can’t eat one meal without meat?
Live-Tomorrow-4865
Many, many people will apparently perish from protein deficiency if one meal, at a special occasion, paid for by their hosts, is meatless. 🙄
It’s ridiculous, and I guess some people missed the memo regarding graciously accepting what’s on offer that they are able to eat. (People who have specific dietary needs can be an exception, but all in all, I’ve found they’re the most gracious, so, I’ll bend over backwards to accommodate them.)
FlorenceinSummer
Did they say there would be an extra cost for this guest? It’s very odd if they only gave you the option of one, and now giving you two. Have they confirmed that this option will be provided on top of the vegetarian one you selected?
I would find this very rude. A heads up from either the guest or the catering company. I would not expect a guest to be able to change my menu selection and it would leave me wondering what else they were trying to change behind my back. I suggest passwords moving forward.
CoyoteUpper2961
The fact that she didn’t tell you is the part that rubs me wrong. If she’d said, “Hey, I reached out just to confirm,” this wouldn’t even be a post.
SodaPopWillie24
As a chef with ~4000 weddings worked, this is pretty common. I’ve been contacted many times by a future guest about allergies. I’m not sure if any of them had permission from the bride and groom to reach out to me, but it didn’t cross my mind, nor did I ask. It was never an additional charge.
We’re in the business of pleasing ALL guests of a wedding. It’s a pretty stressful situation though, because you’re thinking about it all day to avoid cross contamination etc… When that meal goes out with no problems, it’s a huge relief, but it’s part of the job.
No one wants an anaphylactic reaction during someone’s special day. Living with severe allergies is a full-time struggle for these people and it’s our responsibility to keep them safe. Don’t take it personally.
kifflington
Never ascribe to malice what can be explained by stupidity. She may have believed she was making things easier for you by doing it herself. I think annoyance on your part is reasonable, but being significantly upset is an over reaction, Laugh it off as her being a bit ridiculous and don’t let it put a stain on anything.
to_j
I can’t believe how many people responding don’t seem to understand the post. The woman asked for a customized meal only for herself because she didn’t like the vegetarian option presented to guests with allergies and restrictions. This is pretty ridiculous, especially as the caterers were going to charge the bride without her knowing. The guest could have gone meat-free for one meal.
I think you’re right to be annoyed but in the name of keeping the peace and enjoying the wedding (with the husband in the wedding party especially), let it go. Is this woman someone you’re close to? If she behaves like this again, maybe then is the time to call her out.
cocolebrook
If the venue agreed it without consulting you and getting approval then the cost should be on the venue. They can’t just let guests randomly charge stuff to you, that’s whack. However, if she has severe allergies they should make arrangements to sort her out something specific, with no extra charge as they are likely already getting plenty of money out of you.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
