“AITA for not wanting to wear a different bridesmaid dress?”
A few months ago, my (32F) good friend’s (33M, Riley) fiancé (33F, Sam) asked me to be a bridesmaid. The bride-to-be and I have always been friendly but not very close (she never seemed very interested in getting to know our friend group despite repeated attempts), so I was pretty surprised when she asked me; still, I agreed.
The wedding is coming up in a few weeks, and while I’m more than happy to take part, I’ve been having some issues with the dress situation. The bridesmaid dress was picked out last year, and the fittings were officially finished last month; Sam paid for everything.
The plan was for all bridesmaids to wear the same exact dress (she really stressed that she wanted all of us to look identical). But, during brunch 2 weeks ago, she told me that I’ll need to wear a different dress. Apparently, she decided that all of the brides maxes should have a different “look” instead of looking identical.
I thought it was a bit weird to change something like this so late in the game, but didn’t really think much else of it. We agreed to a date/time for my fitting, and continued with brunch. Fast forward to the day of my fitting last week.
The new dress was…unexpected. While the old dress was a cuffed off the shoulder emerald green dress with a high slit and was fairly form fitting, this new dress was giving elevated mumu. It was shapeless and long-sleeved, and was what I can only call vomit green. Regardless, I agreed to wear the dress, thinking at least the other bridesmaids would join me in my suffering.
2 days ago, during dinner with one of the bridesmaids, I asked if she’s already seen her new dress. She looked confused, and asked me what I was talking about. I reiterated what Sam said during brunch, and she looked even more confused, and told me that she hasn’t heard anything about getting a new dress. This is when a few alarm bells started going off.
Later that night, I texted all of the other bridesmaids asking if they’ve been told anything about getting new dresses, and they all said no. I once again reiterated what Sam told me during brunch, and they agreed that the situation was starting to look a bit sus.
One of them suggested that it may just be a misunderstanding. I didn’t understand how it could be a misunderstanding, but decided to speak with Sam again anyways. I called Sam yesterday, and after some generic chit chat, I asked her why she hasn’t told any of the other bridesmaids that they’re getting new dresses. Long silence.
Like, so much so that I thought the call disconnected. She then told me that she made a last-minute decision not to get everyone different dresses, but I’d still be wearing a different dress because she already bought it (she already bought the old dress too, so this reasoning made zero sense).
I tried to reason with her by mentioning how strange it would look for 1 bridesmaids to look completely different from the others and would draw unnecessary attention, but she said she didn’t mind. She then rushed to get off the phone, and basically hung up on me.
Later that day, I texted her to tell her that I didn’t feel comfortable wearing that dress, and I kinda felt like she’s picking on me for some reason. Haven’t received a response yet.
Part of me feels like I’m being a bit dramatic, but another part of me feels like singling me out for no reason. I don’t want to cause any drama or stress, but I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable at the wedding. So, AITA?
NOTE: A few people have suggested that Sam is jealous of me being Riley’s friend, but another close female friend of Riley’s is also a bridesmaid (but she is a lot closer to Sam than I or anyone else in our friend group is).
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
MiladyRogue said:
She jelly, girl. Do not participate in the wedding if she is going to be SUCH an AH. You should tell your friend because that is BS all around.
[deleted] said:
NTA This was a very calculated move to make you look bad.
Cultural-Oil3843 said:
NTA. Sounds weird. Maybe talk to your friend , the groom.
JunePlum79 said:
NTA. Drop out of the wedding…she doesn’t like you and wants to humiliate you. And don’t bother with all the drama…that’s too much negative energy.
Aadarna said:
NTA, bring this up to your friend and let him sort it out. He needs to know how his soon to be wife is treating a friend of his and singling you out the way she is (I would also mention she has both dresses that she wanted you to wear so he can physically see the differences).
AdMurky1021 said:
Talk to Riley, tell him what happened and why you won’t be attending. Also text all the other bridesmaids the same. You may also be friendly to Riley’s mom, let her know as well.
Crafty-Code-4371 said:
NTA. She’s acting sus as hell, well done for checking with the other bridesmaids and standing up for yourself! Curious to know what her motivation to humiliate you is? Sadly probably just stupid jealousy her fiancé has a female friend.
FIRST UPDATE:
Didn’t think I’d have an update so soon, but here we are. I spoke with Riley over the phone last night, and explained the entire dress situation. He seemed more disappointed than surprised, which caught me off guard, and was pissed on my behalf.
He then told me what he believes is the reason behind Sam’s newfound hostility towards me: Last month while he and Sam were having dinner with his family, his mother let it slip that Riley and I kinda went on a date a while ago. To be clear, we DID NOT actually date.
We went on a double date with a friend and a girl he was into because he was so nervous. I never even counted it as a real date because Riley and I were just there to make our friend more comfortable—there has never been anything even remotely romantic between us. Also, keep in mind that this happened almost 12 years ago. I had honestly completely forgotten about it.
Riley said that he explained everything to Sam to drive home the fact that it wasn’t a real date, but she was fixated on him not telling her about it until now. She said that if it was truly not a real date and if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, then he would’ve already told her about it.
Things were tense for a few days, but they later apologized to each other (him for not saying anything and her for overreacting), so he thought that the issue was resolved. That seems to not be the case.
Anywho, Riley plans on speaking with her tonight, so we’ll see what comes of that. Regardless, I don’t think it makes sense for me to continue to be a bridesmaid, even if I’m “allowed” to wear the original dress. Hoping everything works out.
Here’s what people had to say about the first update:
teatimehaiku said:
Woooow. That is super unhinged. It’s a huge red flag. I agree that you probably should step out of the wedding party.
Big_Insurance_3601 said:
Riley’s mom did that on purpose and no one can change my mind!!! Sam sounds UNHINGED and was prolly hoping this would push either her to breakup in a rage or for Riley to wake up to the psycho he’s about the marry.
You, unfortunately, were used as the catalyst. VERY UNCOOL! Definitely skip the wedding & keep Riley at arm’s length til he either dumps Sam or handles his mother.
Original_Duck_371 said:
So he should have told her about a non date 12 years ago? Girls gon mental that’s for sure! But I would step down too, you never know what else her crazy brain will do next, safe yourself the drama!
amazeballs666 said:
Well, it seems he has bigger issues to resolve now than handling the dress situation. He’s marrying the mental one. That girl is unhinged, getting mad at something that wasn’t even a date that happened 12 years ago. I would say, IF this wedding happens, just go as a guest.
Hot_Conference4247 said:
So what is Riley supposed to do, tell his fianceé about every encounter between him and OP from the dawn of time?? How ridiculous and controlling is that? Someone needs to tell the fianceé that jealousy is not a good look on her (or any one really). I’d go as a guest, dress my best, bring another guy friend as my +1, and have fun while ignoring her and congratulating Riley. But then, I can be petty like that.
ConnectionRound3141 said:
You need to walk away from the bridal party, maybe even the wedding. She looking to make a fool out of you and that’s insane. I hope your friend reconsiders the wedding. If someone can’t get along with your friends, that’s a huge red flag.
SECOND UPDATE:
Well my fellow potatoes, I have another quick update. Things…don’t seem to be going well. This afternoon, Riley asked me if he could stay at my place for a few days (until he has to travel for work later this week).
Of course I said yes, but asked why he wants to stay with me (he literally lives 30 minutes away). He said that he doesn’t want to talk about it right now, so I backed off. He’s currently holed up in one of my guest rooms, and hasn’t come out in hours. I am worried.
Here’s what people had to say about the second update:
Lucky-Guess8786 said:
How exhausting it must be for him to deal with someone who has petty jealousy about a situation that happened more than a decade ago. And it wasn’t a real date!!! I absolutely get that planning a wedding can be exhausting, but usually it’s about petty stuff that shouldn’t even be an issue.
I wouldn’t worry about Riley, yet. He may be distancing himself while he works things and through in his head. Imho you should be honored that he feels you are a safe space and he could ask for a place to stay. I would give him space and time.
Maybe spend a bit of time in your room so he feels safe to emerge and get some food, use the washroom, whatever. Maybe he’s just not ready to talk. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
You could leave your bedroom door open if you are chilling and wait for him to acknowledge you or stop at your door. Just give him space and room to breathe. I suspect his shoulders are up around his ears and he is all tight in his body and emotions.
If you have prepared a meal for him or have leftovers, leave a note on the fridge to help himself, or fill a container and put his name on it so he knows what is ok to heat/eat.
Sandi375 said:
He’s seeing his GF for who she really is. Also…have you considered that Riley may have always had feelings for you, and that’s what’s making her so mad? I’m sure someone already mentioned this in the comments on the other update, but I am playing catch up!
Feed_The_Birds1964 said:
The wedding is being called off because she’s an insecure woman who doesn’t trust anyone.
youmustb3jokn said:
This is a Sam problem. Not a you problem. Riley should know who he is marrying. Some people are just jealous of everything. But you occupy a lot of rent free space in Sam’s mind. Because she is a jelly fish. (Jealous)!
CapricornGirl_Row16 said:
I think he is seeing her for who she really is – an insecure person. More than likely she would have made him give you up as a friend after the wedding. You’re a good friend, I’m glad he has you on his side.
SincerelyCynical said:
I have never been so invested in a bridesmaid’s dress before – and I’m married and have been a bridesmaid.
THIRD UPDATE:
This afternoon, while Riley and I were at work, I received a call from the security desk of my residential community. Someone was there, claiming that they’re my guest, but they didn’t have a code and their name wasn’t on the visitor’s list—it was Sam.
I told security to deny her entry, which they did. Not even a minute later, Sam called me, but I didn’t pick up. She called me thrice before I put my phone on do not disturb, and then 4 more times after I did. She then sent a text saying “You’re causing misunderstandings. You need to send him back TODAY.”
I’m home, but Riley is still at work. Haven’t told him anything yet (don’t want to stress him out while he’s working), but will after he returns to my place. Also, haven’t tried to contact Sam, and I don’t plan on doing so anytime soon—really don’t foresee any convos between us going well right now.
Random kinda funny thing to note: Since yesterday, Sam has been removing me from the bridesmaid group chat, but the other bridesmaids keep re-adding me after noticing that I’m missing. This has happened FIVE times! Omg.
Here’s what people had to say to about the third update:
Dependent-Union4802 said:
Wow. That escalated quickly. I think you are safe from having to wear the ugly dress, at least.
Big_Insurance_3601 said:
You have great security for your place! See if you can get a written copy (signed by security) for the full date/time of the encounter and then MUTE Sam! You may need a paper trail for a TRO against her for harassment. Always be ready!
Lucky-Guess8786
hahahaha. What does Sam think is going to happen if you don’t “send him back TODAY”. Is she going to call the police? Is she going to bang on your door? Is she going to whine and pout! Aha! Yes, we have a winner with that last one.
OP, I would absolutely tell Riley that Sam reached out to you repeatedly today. Ask him if he wants more info or to see the message from her. He may not want to, which is fair enough. Then just say, “OK.” and let it be.
If he does, let him know about her showing up and being turned away by security. Then show him the message while mentioning that your phone shows xxx number of calls and you finally had to silence the ring tone.
I would also say, “The ball is in your court. All I want is for you to be fully advised. Let me know if there is anything you need me to do?” By that I mean that you would advise your security people to make sure she is turned away. I don’t mean mediate or call her. LOL
JRAWestCoast said:
Sam was sure she was going to get away with it, downgrading you into a, cheap, puke dress, but you caught her red-handed, and she knows it. It’s playing out, not as she thought. You handled this like a pro.
Birdsonme said:
This is getting gooooood!!! Keep us updated! I’m readying my popcorn for Sam’s meltdown.
Independent-Jury-192 said:
Misunderstandings? Puke green dress and changes to it for only you… she ought to just have said she didn’t want you as a bridesmaid. Groom could have found another placement for you.
The man better run fast out. OP I am glad you have good security but you and Riley need to get somewhere to lay low a little bit. Keep that Crazy away from both of you. Perhaps ask the bridesmaids to stop readding you and leave the group as the bride doesn’t want you.
Maybe say something like “Ladies, please understand that there are misunderstandings going on and since Sam doesn’t what me here please respect that. If she ever wants me back let her add me back. Bye.”
FOURTH UPDATE:
Last night, after Riley returned to my place after work, I told him everything regarding Sam trying to come to my house, and showed him the text message and missed calls. He was PISSED. I have never seen him so angry in all my years knowing him. He was completely silent but looked like he was 2 secs from setting someone on fire. After letting him cool down for a bit, I asked him if he wanted to talk. He did.
He told me that they always seemed to argue about the same things. Then, she’d pretend to understand and be alright with everything only to bring it up again in the future. A few examples of the main things she’d say/bring up:
1.Our friend group is toxic and “too close”.
2.Riley should be thankful to her for keeping his drug habit a secret (a while ago, he mentioned to her that he smoked weed multiple times in uni).
3.He’s too secretive about work, and I know more about his job than she does (we’re both feds who work in intel, and our offices sometimes liaise with each other).
4.He spends too much time with his family.
He’d suggested couples counseling a few times, but she kept on refusing. They’d been doing pretty well for the past year or so and didn’t argue much anymore, so he stopped brining it up.
Apparently, the absolute last straw happened the day he asked me to stay at my place. During the argument with Sam that lead to this (initially regarding the dress debacle but snowballing into other topics), in addition to trying to get him to cut me out of his life, she also called me a racial slur. (I’m Black btw, and Riley and Sam are white).
According to Riley, that’s when he knew that he was 100% done. Before he left, he told Sam that their relationship’s over. Since then, she’s been blowing up his phone, but he said he hasn’t read any of her messages or answered her calls. She also sent him emails, which he has also ignored.
He’s going to tell his family and our friend group before he leaves for his work trip this week. I encouraged him to consider doing so sooner rather than later before Sam has a chance to try to stir things up. Also, when he returns from the trip, he plans on going back to his place to get his ring back from Sam, and tell her that she needs to find a new place to live (the house is his).
We spent the rest of the night (and part of the early morning) eating leftovers and cookie dough, working our way through some Moscow mules, and watching Monty Python. It’ll take some time, but I know he’s going to be fine. Thank you my dearest potatoes for all of your insight, advice, and kind words. Love this community.
Here’s what people had to say about the fourth update:
I want to say he should tell her to get out of his house before the work trip, because who knows what she’ll do to it while he’s not in the area. But she could also do the same thing after he kicks her out, unless he gets a security system installed before leaving. While he’s gone, you have to be extra careful because Sam might try something knowing he isn’t around.
jenjen33015 said:
I’m so sorry you and him are going through this, but in the long run, this is the best thing that could’ve happened to him. She inadvertently ousted him from a lifetime of misery and blatant racism towards one of his closest friends. I’m so sorry she said that awful thing about you. But glad he knows what kind of person she is.
Independent-Jury-192 said:
Holy Potatoes. Glad Riley had his eyes open before it was too late. That list alone has soo many red flags. But then to be saying that word. JUST NO. H E L L N O. I don’t care what color you are that is not right on any level. Such trash.
While it might be too quick he needs to go change the locks on his house and kick her out before the trip. Who knows what he will come home to. GET ALL FAMILY AND FRIENDS to go pack her up and put her stuff outside.
Deep_Rig_1820 said:
So sam is not just jealous but also racist!!! I knew something was up regarding the misunderstanding comment. Yes, he should definitely talk to family first and already kick her out, because if he comes back the house maybe on fire.
apropos_chroniclover said:
HOLY. CANNOLI. What a freaking nuclear bomb! The only upside is this happened before the nuptials so there’s not a messier divorce. It sounds like you’ve been an amazing friend to Riley and long may that friendship continue! She sounds bat-crazy at this point and has rightfully earned the Genuine Crazy Ex-Girlfriend award. Love and hugs to you guys and good luck dealing with the aftermath crazy!
pearl729 said:
I know someone just like that – they’ll pretend everything is ok, water under the bridge, etc., then months later throw the same issue in your face out of the blue, and nothing is every their fault. It’s good that he’s seeing her for who she really is now, rather than after getting married.
CADreamn said:
Wow. All this over you two chaperoning another guy on one date 12 years ago. Good that she let her mask drop before the wedding!
spider3407 said:
It sounds like he dodged a bullet and is lucky to have you as a true friend. I am glad he left her because it would have been a lifetime of arguments and issues.
FIFTH UPDATE:
Hello my potato peeps—it’s been a hot minute. I’ll dive right in. Apologies if this is scatter-brained—I’ve been stuck at an airport for 35 hours and haven’t slept at all. I was able to convince Riley to tell his immediate family and our core friend group about the Sam situation before his work trip, as opposed to after.
Specifically, he told them that he and Sam are broken up and there won’t be a wedding, that they broke up on bad terms, and that everyone should take anything Sam may tell them with a grain of salt. He wasn’t ready to tell them absolutely everything—just the important bits. Everyone was shocked—except for Riley’s mom (more on that later).
I was also able to convince Riley to not let Sam stay in his home while he was on his work trip. Before he left, took the ring back, had her pack enough items to last her for the duration of his trip, and told her she could get the rest of her things after the trip.
His mother was there with him when he told this to Sam just in case stuff went down, but Sam took it surprisingly (suspiciously) well. No one really trusted her calm reaction, so Riley had all of the locks changed before his trip.
Not even 12 hours after Riley left, Sam started blowing up my email (I blocked her number, which I guess she realized). Within the span of 24 hours, she sent me exactly 33 emails.
Most were about me being evil, a c-word, low-class, and a home-wrecker. Some included pics of me and Riley, with varying captions like “should’ve known you wanted him all along”, “I can tell you’ve always wanted to be with him”, etc.
And a few of them were just her begging me to “let her have Riley back”. Felt like I was getting whiplash. I didn’t block her because honestly I was curious about how much should would incriminate herself. She ended up sending me a total of about 60 emails.
Fast forward to a few days before Riley returned from his trip. I was having lunch with his mom, and the topic of Sam came up. Potatoes, remember when I said that Riley’s mother wasn’t surprised when he told her about the Sam situation? That’s because she wasn’t.
Apparently, she’s always felt that something was kinda amiss with Sam, but she never really had anything concrete to tell anyone about and didn’t want to seem dramatic (especially because Riley is aware that his mom and Sam never really clicked). Few things she brought up:
- On multiple occasions, she noticed Sam giving me dirty looks for seemingly no reason.
- Sam would sometimes try to change the subject when I was mentioned, and has “jokingly” mentioned that she hopes I start dating someone soon so she could spend more time with Riley.
- Sam has made some offhand comments that maybe weren’t explicitly racist, but rubbed people the wrong way. For example, she mentioned not wanting to get food poisoning from eating at “ethnic” restaurants. At this point, I was wondering how I never noticed anything.
The next day, as I was leaving work, one of the security guards on the base told me that he turned away a car that morning that was trying to get on base because the driver had none of the required credentials, and refused to go to the visitor center.
The driver asked for me by name, and refused to move until she was threatened with detainment. It was Sam. At this point, I was done. I spoke with my security POC that same day, and reported her.
A report was filed, and I took that report to Sam’s work, and gave it to HR. The following day, I got another angry email from Sam telling me that, because of me, her upcoming promotion had been put on hold. I slept extra peacefully that night.
Fast forward to the day Riley returned, the first thing he said as soon as he walked through the door was that he may need a lawyer soon. He told me that a friend of Sam had informed him that Sam is trying to figure out how to file a marriage certificate without Riley knowing.
Apparently, she thought she could just forge Riley’s signature as well as the officiant’s signature, and then file it at the circuit court (I’m pretty sure that’s not even possible). What the actual f?! After that, a few things happened in rapid succession:
- Riley retained a lawyer, who sent a letter to Sam informing her that what she tried to do was illegal, and legal action would be taken against her if she tried to file the marriage certificate.
- Sam refused to retrieve the rest of her things until Riley threatened to give everything away. She eventually took all of her stuff, as well as some things that weren’t hers (mostly some random framed pictures—Riley has since got them back).
- Our entire friend group and Riley’s family have blocked Sam on everything.
- I showed Riley the emails Sam sent and told him about how she showed up at my job, and he tried to convince me to at least consider getting a restraining order if possible. I haven’t tried yet, but I’m holding onto the emails just in case.
- Sam got a DWI, and spent a night in jail.
- Sam got fired from her job.
As of last week, things have been pretty calm. No one has heard from Sam lately, which we’re all quite happy about, but we’re still keeping our eyes peeled just in case. Riley is still having a hard time, but he’s getting better. He’s eating pretty normally now, and has resumed participating in group hangs with our main friend group. Looking forward to the day Sam is a distant memory.
Here’s what people had to say about the final update:
Gangster-Girl said:
Hopefully there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Moon_Ray_77 said:
What a ride!! Thanks for the update lol. I truly feel horrible for your friend. I know a lot of people find this situation hard to believe but I have seen scenes like this play out in real life. And wtf is with being in an airport for 35hrs!?!?! Jesus christ!! Hope you make it home soon!
whybother_incertname said:
Can you imagine how bad his place would be if Riley had waited until after his trip to kick her out? Totally dodged a bullet.
Random_Stranger12345 said:
Wow, what a crazy ride! Sounds like Riley dodged a bullet, yikes! It’s a good thing for him that the dress thing happened. Imagine if they’d gotten married, maybe had a few kids, & then he finally saw the crazy.
She’d be a nightmare in divorce court. She’s bad enough now, but if she had kids, child support, alimony, & half a house to fight over?! Also, who tries to file a fake marriage license?? That is completely unhinged.
AloneBusiness1977 said:
Lord, what a wild ride! Her silence is definitely a worry, but you guys seem to have some good people around you. Be safe!
Vivid-Farm6291 said:
I suspect Sam will not be finished just yet. She has imploded her entire life and she will be blaming YOU. Now she has lost so much she maybe desperate and full of hate so please watch your back. Riley must be thanking his lucky stars that he dodged that cannon ball of misery marriage.
