“AITA for telling my ex that she chose our kids over our relationship?”
My ex and I had our first child when we were 26. We met at a bar celebrating our 21st birthday. We are literally the exact same age. She changed. Being a mom became her only identity. Our second child, when we were 28, compounded it. She was a mom, not a wife, and not even herself. Not the woman I met, fell in love with, and married.
All she wanted to do was kid stuff. Kid movies, kid TV, kid books, everything. If I wanted to drop the kids off and take her to the farmers market, she would say no, that the kids loved the farmers market. We had to take them. They were 3 and 1. They did not love the farmers market. If anything, the older one loved the mini donuts.She couldn’t stand to hear them cry, so she let them sleep with us constantly. When I put my foot down, she would start crying about how mean I was. When the kids finally outgrew that, she would let them come into our room without knocking.
So, intimacy was interesting. Having a cold little hand grab my calf made for at least one very hard thrust. I put a lock on the bedroom door. She took it off. We went for counseling. She went for counseling. Nothing ever changed. She said it would be different when the kids were older. It never changed.I left when the kids were 9 and 11. I had planned and paid for a trip for our 15th anniversary. We were going to Thailand like we always planned when we were younger. She changed the plans. She canceled with her parents watching the kids. We went as a family to Disney World.
We had been the year before, and the kids loved it sooooo much. I lasted another six months. Then I left. I pay child support; I pay spousal support. I am there for the kids all the time. I enjoy my custody time. I go to their extracurriculars on the days I don’t have them. I have rooms for them in my house. I met someone new a year later. We got married a year after that. We had our first child two years after that. She is an excellent stepmom, and the kids are polite and friendly with her. They were grown up, and they had a mom, so she is more of a trusted adult. The kids are 16 and 14 now, and they are sick of mom’s attention. They are spending more and more of their time at my house. I love having them over. And here, they understand what privacy and personal space mean. My ex is lonely. She devoted her life to her kids, and she expected them to be around her forever, I guess. She has dated other men, but she refuses to prioritize them in any way over the kids. An example: One guy lasted six months. He wanted to take her away for the weekend. She couldn’t because the younger one had a soccer game. It was my weekend. The guy had checked with me that I would be attending and not just leaving the kid at the field.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
virtualchoirboy says:
NTA. She made her choice, you made yours in reply. You gave her 15+ years to choose you and she refused. And now, when you ask her to provide details behind her accusations, she can’t. To me, that’s the approach to continue to take.
Every accusation, ask for the details behind that conclusion. And when she can’t provide the details, maybe start adding in “Then I would appreciate you stopping the baseless accusations.”
DizzyDucki says:
NTA. As a child of a woman like your ex, I got to see first hand what her decisions to never, ever leave my side to do anything with my dad alone did to their marriage. It was horrible and hurt him SO deeply. It was also incredibly suffocating for me and I resented the hell out of being the whole beginning and end of her world.
It’s great that your kids are able to see and appreciate the difference in lifestyles and choosing to spend more time with you. She’s going to be in for a world of serious hurt if she doesn’t learn and refuses to back off of them once they are ready to fly the nest.
Raptor007 says:
NTA. Your ex chose her path and being a mom and you ignoring your partner and refusing to ever see their POV is why she had the empty bitter life she was always going to end up with. Too many hallmark channel movies.
It’s great to know your kids grew up, understand how life is and privacy and personal space are. I bet the one with the soccer game would have been fine with mom going away for the weekend. Mom will grow older more bitter and alone.
ArguingWhileWorking says:
NTA. Let her wallow in her loneliness. Once the kids are grown too this coparenting bullshit is over and you can finally block her and just have a relationship with your kids.
The crazy part is I 100% disagree about the core of a family but everything else here is true. The core of the family is our kids in my case. However, we are both adults and wise enough to know we can’t be there for our kids if we ignore eachother. Sometimes, the best thing to do for my kids is give my wife all my attention and love for a little bit to replenish her and myself.
What’s going to happen once your kids leave?
The same thing that has been going on my whole life. They will always be my first priority, but that doesn’t mean I won’t expect them to be their own grown adults who can live by themselves and lead their own lives. I will love having more time for my wife but my kids will always knows I am only 1 phone call away.
The crazy part about reddit to me is people hear kids first and instantly assume that means there is no balance. It’s wild so many people can’t put their kids first but find the appropriate balance. The real truth is the balance is important.
Let me ask this… if your kid was 25 and in a car accident with your new wife and all other things are equal, who do you pull from the burning wreckage first? I would pull my kid. That doesn’t mean at other times when my kids need small things I ignore my wife. Just like I pray people who say spouse first, don’t ignore their kids for every whim their partner has.
This is just a weird place where buzz questions and ideals flat out make the echo chamber lose their minds.
In the scenario you mentioned if I had an equal opportunity to pull out either one I would rescue my child first.
I answered honestly. Your turn.
If your wife planned a trip for you and her to get away to Italy for your anniversary and you cancelled it and made it a family trip to Legoland how would she react?
