“AITA for calling off the engagement because he isn’t proactive?”
Me, 37f, just broke up with my fiance, 35m, because I can’t take him dragging anymore on things I consider to be important. My guy thinks im overreacting, my trusted friends are on the fence( 4 votes of “leave him” and 2 votes of “be patient”) so I’m turning to the internet 😄
We own a home together, and his children live with us every other week.
I am a proactive person. I identify problems when they are small and manageable, and try to solve them at that “size.”
He is a reactive person. I will identify a concern, bring it to him, and he does NOTHING to rectify it until it grows into a big problem. Then he waits some more. When it is finally 3 alarm fire, he springs into action…or enlists the help of others to fix this problem run amok.
If this only applied to things that affected HIS life, it wouldn’t be so bad. I’d chuckle, shake my head, and leave him to his own folly and adventures. But the stuff he pussyfoots negatively impact both me and his children.
First was setting boundaries with his BM. He’s conflict avoidant, and she’s disrespectful. I asked him several times to set rules and boundaries with her, because she’s only doing what he allows.
He wouldn’t. Things came to a head and I put her in her place and threatened to call the police if she steps foot on my property. She backed off, and we have peace now, but why did IIIII have to do it?
2nd, his daughter’s education. When his custody time increased from every other weekend to every other week, I spent more time getting to know his children (lovelies, they really are). I noticed his middle child was performing faaaar below grade level, and brought it to his attention, being a former schoolteacher and familiar with development benchmarks. I suggested he discuss this with BM.
He did nothing. I checked in with him periodically. Nothing. Finally, after 4 months of him doing NOTHING, I released the Kraken on him, told him he wasn’t a good father, went on intimacy strike until he got her AND her little brother some tutoring, put his family in a groupchat to let them know the girl was behind and suggested we all tutor her in rotation to catch her up.
Family was all on board, and over the course of several months, we caught the girl up to speed and she’s doing soooo much better now. . Little brother is also progressing at an impressive rate, and fiancé actively tutors him daily with worksheets and flashcards.. But why couldn’t HE be bothered without me cussing him out first???
“I don’t work on your time…Just because its important to you doesn’t mean its important to me.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was this winter. I own a hair salon, and injured my wrist around New Years. Per doctor’s orders,I have to go to half-time for the duration of winter and cannot style any hair after work (read-repetitive movement after my allotted time). Before the injury, I braided her hair elaborately, in a style that could last 3 weeks before needing to be taken down for washing and conditioning.
I let him know I cannot care for his daughter’s hair until Spring (something I enjoy doing when she is in our custody, shes adorable), so him and the BM need to figure out something else.
Most importantly, her hair needs to be taken down at the 1 month mark absolute latest, because the braids will matte and begin to turn into dreadlocks if left in longer. Girl shows up for custody at the 4 week mark with the braids still in. I ask him did he speak with BM, he says he handled it. Whatever. Child returns at the 6 WEEK MARK WITH THE SAME BRAIDS.
I pop her Rubberbands on my off day, and, sure enough, her hair has started matting into dreadlocks at the root. I show my fiancé, and he is shocked. Im like, now, is it bad enough for you to do something about it?
He texts his mother, combs out the girls hair himself (which takes hours and is painful for her. Had he done it when I first suggested, it woulda taken 1 hour)), and takes her to his mother’s house the next day for washing and braiding.
Once the kids leave, I snap again, and let him know his lack of action is negatively impacting his family, and demand to know. He admits he never spoke to BM. So he is lying now. Why does he have a pattern of waiting until small problems get big until he does something about it? He replies that he prefers to do that. If it’s a problem, he’ll handle it when it gets big.
I tell him that sounds like a life of misery to me. “A b**ch like me will NEVER let a small problem get big if I can do something about it. If we marry, and you only want to fix big problems, I will be doing 80% of the problem solving in the marriage, because I wont LET the problems get big. And that sounds exhausting. I want out.”
My brother thinks I worry too much, they aren’t my kids , so i should “NACHO”. But I cant sit idly by and let things escalate, and don’t want a man who is ok with that. I’m throwing away a good man trying to be controlling. I think he is a procrastinator, and have lost attraction to him. AITAH?
TLDR: My fiance is a procrastinator who thinks im a nag, and I want out of the relationship.
This is what people had to say to OP:
EzAeMy said:
NTA. You have every right to leave the relationship for any reason. You seem very clear that you are not going to be satisfied with him. I don’t blame you.
dessertchef11 said:
“He thinks im throwing away a good man trying to be controlling.” This man is NEGLECTING his own kids what part of that makes him a “good man”. NTA. Dump the man.
AmarelaFae said:
THIS is exactly the right move. Your instinct and your self respect KNOW how this would play out. And no, it wouldn’t stay at 80%, it would slowly become 100%. People like that don’t just wake up one day and change, especially when they openly admit they prefer to let things burn before acting.
Add the drama that’s a lifetime of YOU carrying everything. You deserve MINIMUM effort and honestly so much more. If you’re going to pour that much into a partner, he should be PROACTIVE and actively contributing. You’re not crazy, you’re protecting your future!
And 2dogslife said:
Let’s be honest, unless he CHOOSES to change, he’s not going to improve. Unless he’s all: OMG, I’ve seen the light, I will do what it takes and go to therapy alone and together to make sure we have the relationship tools to make our future a success.
But, he’s a procrastinator and doesn’t tend to act until things are red lined. Maybe leaving will be an impetus to change, but it probably won’t. I’ll hope for the best for you, but sometimes being alone for a time sets you up for the best. NTA.
