“AITA for telling my girlfriend she isn’t wife material because she keeps associating with her friends?”
Please let me start by saying I do not give two craps about bodycount or my girlfriend’s past relationships. We have been dating for three years now. Monogamous. We discussed it and agreed before we got serious. She has a more adventurous past than I do. Like I said doesn’t matter. To me.
She is still friends with people from the past. I still see some of my exes socially as well. We live in a small city and she hates leaving our area of the city. I actually moved from a much safer area to live with her because of that. It’s fine I rent out my house and use that money as my contribution to our budget. It’s great because it frees up the rest of my income.
The problem is some of her friends. Their erotic lives seem to be their entire personality. Which, once again, is fine. One of my best friends is covered in Dragonball tattoos. However, he never tries to tell me all the lore. Her friends like to push my buttons about her past and the things she has done. Kind of gross and inappropriate. I shut it down immediately. I don’t care that when she was in their group they would offer her to new people. I know it was consensual but I don’t need to hear about it. She constantly tells them to shut up about it as well. But she won’t cut them off. They are in my home at least onc every couple of months and we go there or out with them as often.
Recently, my sister stayed over for a week while she was in town for a friend’s wedding. My girlfriend had her friends over and they thought it would be a good idea to talk to her about my girlfriend’s adventures.My sister is very vanilla and was horrified. She asked me if I knew. I had to admit that I did but that it was in the past and not our future. She still moved to a hotel for the last days of he visit. She was very uncomfortable being around my girlfriend. She promised not to tell anyone else.I realized that this was never going to change if I did nothing. So I had a conversation with my girlfriend. I told her that she either needed to control he friends or cut them off. She said neither option was possible. I told her I understood and I told her that meant marriage was off the table. I wasn’t going to have these people talking about he past with my family and friends.She is now pissed at me for giving he an ultimatum. I absolutely didn’t. I accepted her choice. Then I told he my decision. I don’t want these people in my life but I am willing to do so of they control themselves. She said it was rude of me to ask them to behave. I said cool I’m happy with our relationship but it isn’t going any further. I don’t think I’m being unfair or a pride. She has her position and I have mine.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Ilovewally wrote:
You are incompatible. Break up and move on.
OP responded:
We probably will.
s4zippyzoo wrote:
What the friends are doing is a big no-no in the Kink scene. They’re bringing their kinks into a non-consensual space. Yours, your sisters, etc.
The lack of respect for others and lack of boundaries would have me leaving her.
OP responded:
Thanks. I appreciate someone who might have deeper insight commenting.
Wzehamme2 wrote:
NTA. I don’t think the relationship will work if she’s willing to let her friends bring up her past in front of you constantly. It’s basically comparing. Maybe they’re miserable and trying to sabotage a good thing, or maybe (hopefully most likely) they’re totally oblivious to the disrespect.
But your gf knows your boundaries and if she’s not willing to compromise with you in some sort of way, it may be best to take a break for a bit. Maybe not forever because people can change friend groups. She may just be afraid to lose friends that she’s known longer than you. Idk. I think a break at least would be a good idea.
IllustratorSLow1614 wrote:
NTA. These friends bringing your sister into the conversation non-consensually exposing her to their preferences is really inappropriate and inconsiderate. Even if your sister wasn’t vanilla, it’s still rude to draw people into erotic conversations they don’t want to have.
Your girlfriend can keep her friends, but she can’t have you as well, and I think that’s a reasonable thing to put to her. Her friends are crass and would be awful wedding guests – if they can say these things out loud to your sister, imagine the speeches they would give?!
It’s not rude of you to expect a bit of decorum from people and for them to read the room and not assume everyone wants to hear about their sexcapades. Your girlfriend can also stand up to you, so why can’t she stand up to her friends? If you can’t see a future with her though, you might as well break up now.
MalevolentSnail wrote:
They do this because they get off on it. Saying intimate things against someone’s consent is harassment. If she encourages it or participates in it, think about that. People are entitled to their proclivities but they are NOT entitled to push them onto you.
gb997 wrote:
Your position is not unreasonable. Also, jfc who are these people ? I would be horrified if people just started blurting out nsfw shit about me to my family 🥴 As others have said, if this gang of misfits can’t see why your boundaries are fair, then it could be an incompatibility issue.
Responsible_Parrot wrote:
It’s hard to leave something in the past if people keep bringing it back to the present. Almost no one wants to constantly hear about their partner banging other people. It’s really disrespectful for her friends to keep bringing it up and for her to allow it. Probably a deal breaker.
