“I found my husband’s posts and he is secretly thinking about divorcing me.”
So I have recently come across my husband’s account on here. I’ve felt for a loooong time there’s been something off in our relationship. Never able to put a precise finger on it, (largely because of his non-communicativeness, and resistance to any real heart to heart) and also, I do struggle with depression which I know distorts your perception.I have rationalized to myself for years, “if he doesn’t love me he’d have left by now, I must be imagining things it’s just my depression talking”. Well, now I’ve found his account and I finally have the real answers he has never been willing to provide in the entire 20+ years we’ve been together.
He’s been posting on a community about “limerence”, his feelings for another woman, but there’s so much more than even just that. The woman is someone he briefly dated in the summer he was 19. We started dating soon after she ended their relationship, but I now learned there were times he still carried on a fling with her while we were together.
Editor’s Note: Limerence: having an intense longing for another person even when they don’t fully reciprocate. The person experiencing limerence struggles to think about anything else but their “crush” and neglects their social life, work, and other responsibilities as a result.
They’d also kept in touch periodically on social media since social media became a thing. That is, until just last month, when apparently he confessed all his feelings to her. After 20 years he dumped that on her out of the blue.She was freaked out because they’d mainly talked about work and he was never more than a casual acquaintance to her, who woulda thought. She told him off for involving her in his one-sided emotional affair, (he’d even complained about me to her), and blocked him.Since that (NOW I know why he’s been even more distant than usual which is saying something), he’s been obsessively writing about the limerence to the point of thinking things she posts on a page for her business are “indirect” veiled messages to him, and also posts about divorce.
That’s the second huge blow I’m dealing with. He is just desperate to get rid of me and the only reasons he hasn’t are his faith, not wanting to lose our children, and how expensive it would be for him according to the divorce lawyer he apparently had a secret consultation with.But let’s look at reality now: meanwhile I have tried for years to get him to communicate better, be closer with each other, because he always seemed to hold himself at a distance. I gave up after years of trying, he never changed and I realized he didn’t care enough to. So I’ve stopped caring too. I do my own thing, or sometimes try to get him involved to which I’m quickly reminded why I gave up.He’ll have very brief periods after an argument of being more affectionate to give me hope that never lasts. He has never cared to support me emotionally, reading him writing about how cripplingly depressed he is over this bullshit when he has blown off my clinical depression as laziness for YEARS was really the cherry on top.
His comment history is also full of passive-aggressive comments about things I do that make this a “crap marriage” for him (ranging from being on my phone to hanging outwith friends and family) and I’m just like… how else should I spend my time when not working or doing stuff with the kids, when my own husband has no interest in doing ANYTHING other couples do together??I didn’t start doing those things to the extent I do now until I gave up on him being the romantic partner I thought I was maybe unfairly wanting him to be. I eventually thought this is simply the type of person he is, some people are more reserved and unromantic, as his wife I need to accept him. I’m a big girl, I can occupy my time in ways that don’t depend on him.But now? To find out it’s actually because he has been pining over someone he dated for a couple months at 19? Chose to instead string me along, marry me, have two kids with me, countless other life events, then puts the blame for our lack of quality time and intimacy on ME all while HE’S the one dreaming of someone else and avoiding reality every single day???
Why would someone do this? It doesn’t make any sense. He never loved me. I am nothing more than a 20 year long failed rebound. I can’t expresshow emotional and obsessive he is when he’s writing about this… he has never shown an inkling of real passion with me, at least not since our very early relationship.He is stoic and irritable and closed off, and his post-argument attempts at bonding are painfully hollow. I’ve wondered almost the whole relationship why this is lacking, wondering if I’m the problem, if my expectations were too “Disney fairytale” or something.To have found out he DOES have deep real feelings and they are all reserved for someone he hasn’t even seen in real life since half his lifetime ago, who he was still seeing after getting together with me, is, well like I said I probably knew deep in my gut he wasn’t invested in me but oh my god. I just never imagined something like THIS.
At most I wondered about him not being in love with me anymore or at worst, some “normal” affair like with a coworker or dating apps. Not a secret unreciprocated obsession spanning 20 years that’s completely in his own head!!I’m devastated but also almost scared in some way I don’t know why. He has a whole folder of photos of her that he looks at every day. There’s pages and pages of his online history. Who does that? I feel like I married a stranger. Between this and his general reluctance to really open up about pretty much anything personal.. did I ever actually know him?Here is the crux of my problem now that I know all of this: Do you even bother talking to someone who kept this type of secret for this amount of time? What can talking accomplish? Will it make him get over whatever his problem is? Will it make him love me
Is there any realistic, plausible outcome that would make it ACTUALLY worth my time and energy to have a conversation before “jumping to divorce”? Please tell me if so and I’m happy to hear you out. But I’ve ignored my gut for too long and it’s telling me no.Can I simply tell him, “I saw your posts. Let’s get the divorce you want.”? Would that be unfair to our children to not give us an opportunity to work it out? He’ll say he’s “sacrificed everything” for us. Would it be unfair to him?Seeing the sheer victim/martyr complex in his posts, both about the woman and with how he blames me acting like I’ve constantly wronged him in our marriage, what if I plain don’t want to deal with trying to break through that delusion in order to have a chance at being understood
I am thoroughly disgusted, in shock, and at the same time feel like I can finally… finally… let go for good? The gaping void between us is clear as day, and I finally see it was not because of me. That failure wasn’t because I just hadn’t managed yet to say the right things that would reach something inside of him and inspire a stronger connection between us.And it certainly wasn’t because I’m “on my phone.” It was always because of him, from the very beginning. What if I don’t want to ask any questions or discuss a single thing with him? What if I just want to be free.
OP came back and added this edit for her husband to see:
Edit: So if my husband sees this… How about you be the one to bring it up? How about for once you communicate openly and honestly? Just curious if you even can.
Here are the posts from her husband on the community called “Limerence”:
1.) My LO & I had a summer fling back in college when I went home. But when I went back to school, she said she couldn’t do the distance. A few months later, I started dating my SO. But during the summer, my LO & I would hang out and sometimes kiss.
After a while I started noticing red flags in my SO. But I ignored them because my SO is the only person I ever slept with and I thought I had to stay with them.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend of both my LO and I. She asked me who I liked more. In my heart, I wanted to say my LO. But I said my SO because we’ve been together for sometime at that point. It was after that conversation my LO and I stopped talking for 18 years.
2.) I’ve been limerent for my LO for 20 years. We were NC for about 18 years until she messaged me 2 years ago and we talked daily. She’s a therapist and a Christian and I’m in a crappy marriage which she knew about. I disclosed last month.
Told her everything; my feelings, what limerence is since most therapists don’t know what it is, answered any questions she had. She asked for some time to process everything. A week later, I got an email from her saying she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and doesn’t think we should be in contact anymore.
She said I put her unknowingly in an emotional affair (which I really didn’t know what that was) and she wouldn’t be part of that. She then blocked me on social media. And I’ve been in hell ever since. So in my case, opening up did not repair the connection. It severed it completely. I regret disclosing.
3.) My LO [“Limerent Other” aka emotional affair partner] is single, at least she was back when I last talked to her.
4.) So usually the only time I get distracted enough to stop thinking of my LO is at work. Today I had to go visit a client at their office. We had a meeting in their conference room. Turns out they name their conference rooms after towns in my state. And of course, the one we meet at is the one named where my LO lives, and she doesn’t live in a big town.
At this point, I think God is just playing a cruel joke. Because as soon as I saw that, I almost broke down. Luckily I held it in and did my work like I was supposed to. But if that really fucked with my head. Now I’m sitting here just pathetically thinking about her again and I hate this. I hate this limerence. I hate I have no peace.5.) It’s officially one month since my LO said she doesn’t want to be friends after I disclosed and now being in NC. I did something that some people advise and wrote a letter. But since I wrote it on my phone, I can’t burn it. So I’ll post it here and maybe that will help so at least I know I “sent” it.
Hello, Today marks one month since I got your email saying you don’t want to be friends or be in contact. I kept true to my word. I haven’t tried to contact you. But I did see one thing that hurt. When I went to archive our Facebook chat, I saw that you not only unfriended me, you blocked me. That hurt.
ADVERTISING
This whole month has been hell. If there isn’t a time that I’m not distracted by my kids or my work, you are on my mind. I can’t stop thinking of you. Sometimes it’s just reaching out to you and being friends again. Sometimes it’s me wishing we were together. Sometimes I just imagine your smile or hearing your voice and I smile. But then I come back to reality and I’m back to being miserable again.
I wonder if you think about me, even if not in the way I think about you. I doubt it. I honestly don’t see how you could just cut off our friendship that easily. I guess it’s your therapist training. I guess I shouldn’t talk. I’ve cut off people I thought were my friends who hurt me. I know I caused you hurt and confusion.
So I guess I can’t blame you. But damn it, if that didn’t hurt seeing you blocked me. I guess it just sucks that after these feelings for 20 years and for the past 2 years talking to you almost everyday, it’s over. I’ll never speak to you again.
I honestly wish I just had one more chance to talk to you because I know exactly what I would say. I’d tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for any hurt I caused you telling you my feelings. I’m sorry that you felt like I unknowingly put you in an emotional affair. I honestly didn’t know what that was until your email.
I thought affairs involved two people. But I did some research after your email and you were right and I’m sorry. You’re the last person I wanted to hurt. So I’m sorry. I guess that’s all I can say. Goodbye.
6.) It’s officially past midnight so I can say I officially did something I haven’t done in years…I haven’t looked at a picture of my LO. When we used to talk, she would send me pictures of her. Nothing sexual or anything like that. Just her smiling. I’ve kept those pictures and when I looked at them, it would put a smile on my face.
Today for the first time in years, I didn’t go looking for those pictures. That’s not to say I didn’t think on her. I thought about her a lot today. I know some people on this sub will just say to delete those pictures. I can’t, not yet. I know it’s strange, but I just don’t have the strength yet to delete them. For now, I’ll just see if I can repeat this step again.
7.) My LO is a therapist (not my personal one) and she has her own practice. When we used to talk, I tried to help her with her social media. I told her she needed to post more on her FB page since she only did it once every few months. She didn’t listen since she really isn’t a social media person.
Some context for the next part, I disclosed to her back in November and she blocked me in December and have been NC ever since. Fast forward to this week. I still follow her business page and she’s made three posts this week which is strange for her. All of these posts were about one topic… “boundaries.”
The one from today really got to me. It said that something along the lines of “boundaries mean you love yourself, even if you disappoint others.” Maybe it’s the limerence but with these posts, I feel like she’s talking about me.
It’s just strange to me that she doesn’t post on there at all then all of a sudden she’s posting almost daily about something she did to me. Maybe I’m reading too deep into this. All I know is I miss her and wish I could talk to her again. Even if it’s just as friends.
Here are some posts from the husband in a community about divorce
I’ve been married for 15 years with 2 kids. Over the past few years, I’ve been really unhappy in my marriage. My wife graduated college before me so she moved back to her hometown to get a job, a really rural area. Naturally, when I left college I followed and got a job in a bigger city near us. But for what I do, I really need to be in bigger cities. I’ve told my wife this but she doesn’t listen.
We built our house on part of land her family owns. So now we live on the same street as her family. It’s become a real problem in our marriage. My in-laws like to butt in on things that don’t concern them, especially when it comes to raising/disciplining our kids.
At home, my wife barely talks to me. When she gets home, she takes about an hour nap then claims she’s too tired to cook. So nearly every night, I have to go get us something to eat. I’ve even offered to cook, but my wife has refused that. So that puts a strain on our finances.
When dinner is done, she is usually on her phone, shopping for crap we don’t need. But when she’s with her family, she talks all the time to them. Intimacy is basically non-existent. We do some intimate stuff maybe once a month. But it’s only when she’s in the mood. When I ask, I get shut down or ignored.
I’ve given up everything so she could have the safe, boring life she wanted and it’s put a strain on my mental health. But every time I want to do something for me, she complains or acts annoyed. Everything I’ve mentioned, I’ve brought up several times over the years. We usually have about two big arguments every year. She keeps promising to change but she never does.
The only two reasons I’m still in this marriage is because I’m a Christian and my kids. But my mental health can’t take this anymore. Am I being selfish or what?
2.) So two things have happened recently that make me question getting a divorce. The first is consulting with an attorney. He was very bluntwhich I appreciated. But he suggested that I try counseling first. Because it’s gonna be very expensive between fees and child support I’ll probably have to pay. Honestly, I don’t think counseling will help and I really don’t want to.
The second is last night. I was picking up my daughter from a party and she said that my wife told her that I act like I don’t love her (wife) anymore. This is true but I had to lie to my daughter. My daughter then said she’d be devastated if we got a divorce. As much as I want to leave my wife, I don’t think I can do that to my kids. I know a lot of people stay together for the kids. It looks like I might have to as well.
3.) I’m still debating on getting divorce. But I just came to a realization tonight. I like to play video games. I have a group of gaming friends. But I honestly don’t play much anymore because when I do, my wife gets mad. Either because she says I’m too loud or I’m not spending time with her.
So when I want to play, I have to ask her if she’s cool with it. However, she’ll make plans and do shit all the time without consulting me. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of the one having to walk on eggshells so she doesn’t get upset. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Have you considered that his teenager fantasy may be the root cause of your depression?
You live in a lie for 20 years. There were few chance you could be happy and adapted to your world.
OP responded:
I’m putting that piece together now. I didn’t know about the fantasy until very recently but he’s always been so… absent. I didn’t know why but I still felt the effect. He’s never really been someone I feel I can fully depend on when the need arises.
GoldenDiamondChild34 said:
So divorce him first, don’t show any hesitation. You’ve already gave him your life and your time and he just stole it because another women is his eye candy.
OP responded:
Genuinely believe I will. But I will take my time and do it right, bulletproof. At least I know he’s fine with the idea of planning divorce behind your spouses back so I should be good. If he can fake a relationship for 20 years I can manage to act as normal for a few months or however long it takes to get everything prepared on my side first.
Dragon_Bidness said:
Any discussion you have is just going to end up being about how he’s done everything and it’s all your fault. He’s lied to you for 20 years, what are you even trying to save? It was all fake. He’s such a loser even his obsessive whole love caused a woman to recoil to the point where she can’t stand contact with him.
She got the “him” that you want, and you see how that went for her. Take her cue and throw the man out. He’s a good liar and that sucks. Now you know that, and no I don’t think you can save something that never actually existed. Maybe if he’s freed from being the lying piece of crap husband he is, he can free himself up to be a better father.
yohaneh said:
OP, i just wanna say, I found your husband’s account. it wasn’t super hard to find. (his posts are sooo embarrassing. what a wet fart of a guy.) if i did, there’s a possibility that other people will be able to find him too, and he may be warned about this thread. i strongly recommend that you back up everything from his account just to make sure you have a copy of it, if he deletes it all.
OP responded:
Did that last night.
Any discussion you have is just going to end up being about how he’s done everything and it’s all your fault. He’s lied to you for 20 years, what are you even trying to save? It was all fake.
He’s such a loser even his obsessive whole love caused a woman to recoil to the point where she can’t stand contact with him. She got the “him”that you want, and you see how that went for her. Take her cue and throw the man out.
He’s a good liar and that sucks. Now you know that, and no I don’t think you can save something that never actually existed. Maybe if he’s freedfrom being the lying piece of crap husband he is, he can free himself up to be a better father.
OP responded:
Thank you for the part about how I saw what it looks like to get the “him” that I’ve wanted. That helps a lot. I agree with all the rest too.
Delete this post now, somebody has posted and linked it in the limerance subreddit. I don’t want your husband to find out you know before you are ready.
OP responded:
I know. As much as it wouldn’t be ideal I’d rather not hide it, I posted it, I stand by it. If he sees it he can talk to me like a real man and be honest for once.
I’d personally contact the work woman too and tell her exactly what you found. If she doesn’t reciprocate his feelings and it’s all in his head then he’s been stalking her. I personally would go nuclear if I found a work colleague had folders full of photos of me and had been writing about me online. I’d feel so violated and vulnerable
OP responded:
She’s not a colleague, she was just asking him for career advice at points. They arent in contact in real life or live near each other.
Just an FYI, he has deleted his reddit account so safe to say he knows about this post.
Good luck to you. You deserve better than the way he has treated you.
