“My stepdaughter ran away from the birthday party I threw for her.”
I (35f) have been married for 7 years to my husband (45m), who is a single father to my stepdaughter, “Lucy” (15f). Also, I have a son from a previous relationship, “Toby” (10m). In these 7 years, Lucy never recognized us as family and when she introduces us, we are “dad’s wife” and “dad’s wife’s son”.
Birthdays are very important to me. Ever since Toby was born, I’ve thrown giant birthday parties for him. That didn’t change after I married my husband and I thought about doing it for Lucy as well, but she refused. She refuses every year, and everything related to her birthday is banned from the house.
Since she is turning 15 this year, I decided to throw her a surprise party. We organized it with Toby: invitations to her classmates, family and close friends; games, karaoke, catering and decorations.Not even my husband knew. I took the day off from work and Toby skipped school to fix everything. At night, my husband and Lucy arrived (they had dinner alone for her birthday) and we yelled “surprise”. They didn’t look happy, but I assumed it was because of the surprise. My husband didn’t say anything to me and Lucy disappeared almost immediately (I assumed to go talk to her friends).The party was amazing, everyone had fun, the games were a hit and overall I had a great time.
When bringing the cake to sing happy birthday, I called for Lucy, but she wasn’t in the party. We looked for her around the house, but she wasn’t there, and neither was my husband. After half an hour of trying to call them both on their cell phones, the mood got ruined and everyone left. The two returned after midnight and didn’t felt guilty about leaving. I immediately asked them why they left. Lucy didn’t say anything and went to her bedroom, and my husband told me to calm down. He explained that Lucy wasn’t feeling well, so they went to the beach. I scolded him for not telling me but he just shrugged and said “you were too busy enjoying the party to notice” and went to sleep
I don’t understand why they both disrespected me like that. I invested a lot of time and money in the party and they haven’t even apologized for leaving. It’s been three days and the two act as if nothing happened. When I try to talk about it, Lucy looks at me like I’m crazy and my husband doesn’t call her out on it. I’m tired of her indifference. I threatened my husband to take Toby and leave if they didn’t open about it, but he (surprise) shrugged and told me to calm down. I love them both, but this party disaster has made me believe it’s not reciprocated and I’m seriously considering getting a divorce.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
fun8 writes:
Be honest, OP. This wasn’t her party. This was YOUR party. You didn’t even notice that she left. You say it yourself too, “I had a great time” not the attendees, certainly not your daughter (even if she showed up, which she did not), but YOU. This was all about YOU.
I thought she had that attitude towards birthday parties because she never had a special one. And since my husband would never do something like that, I decided to do it myself. In my culture turning 15 is very important. There were almost 100 people at the party and I figured Lucy wouldn’t want her stepmom stuck to her all night, so I let her be.
34stallen writes:
You’re trying too hard. Going by some of your responses, you’ve tried to bond with his daughter and she’s shown you if not out right told you time and time again, that she has no interest in being a family with you.
nolandscape8 writes:
If anything your husband should divorce you, you totally disregarded the fact his daughter didn’t want a birthday party. Like you said “everything related to her birthday is banned from the house” so then why did you still think it was a good idea to throw a party?
They may have their reasons and don’t wanna share with you. The fact you threatened your husband to leave him if he doesn’t open up about it, they don’t have to open up about anything to you it they don’t want to; plus if it has anything to do with his daughter then it’s not his story to tell. Do better.
[deleted]
You are totally in the wrong here. You knew she only wanted to celebrate with her dad. You may want to see her as family but she doesn’t see you as family and can’t force that on someone. You should really apologize to her. Also you did this for you not for her.
9 days later OP posted this update:
It’s been a very difficult week and I thought I’d update you on it. I appreciate all the comments and they were helpful to me in realizing several things. The first is that the party was never really for Lucy.
You see, this year I asked my husband to throw me a birthday party. I had high expectations and it turned out to be a small gathering with less than 10 people, no decorations and a supermarket cake since my husband started planning 3 days before. This party was a redemption for me and I admit it.
Here’s what people had to say after the update:
you spent 5 figures on a party you know that the person didnt want…?
No. She spent 5 figures for a party for herself. She admits it in the first paragraph. It is only “Lucy’s party” when she wants help paying for it.
This situation is of your own doing, you made all this happen, 5 figures party? You out of your mind? Does your mom knows how much did you expend? All your post are about “me me me” how everything is about and happens to you, but your mom is right in one thing, get divorce, that way they will be happier and you can play the “victim” role the rest of your life.
