This week I (M26) proposed to my amazing girlfriend (F26) of 3 years. These last three years I have spent time with her, and time with her family through family holidays, engagements, and visiting their home weekly.
One of my girlfriend’s initial request for the proposal was to include her family in some form, due to the importance of them in her life. 3 months back I visited her home while she was not there and asked for their blessing where at the time I received and was excited for.
I brought up proposal ideas, my main one being having her family join mine in secret (even though our families have not met much) to surprise her before i get on my knee and ask the question.
Her family did give some other recommendations which I did not go with due to wanting to make sure my girlfriend had no idea I was going to propose, and I felt taking her to places we don’t normally go such as a park or beach, be too obvious.I also did lean towards having it towards my home due to space and then they would not have to worry about decorations or preparing, but I let them know if they would prefer to have it at their home that was okay too. At the time I felt the vibes were great and I was looking forward to the next months. The next time I tried to reach out to for a date I was met with that the holidays are too close and because of health concerns we should push it which I accepted and delayed.
When January arrive I reached out again, but was met with silence. Then a week later, I proposed dates that I thought could work. I was met with a response from her mother stating that the date I suggest would not work because my fiancée’s nephew has baseball that Saturday and the other Saturdays this month won’t work. She concluded the text saying to “Go ahead and just do it without us.” I responded mentioning this is disappointing to me, but I don’t to wait any longer and I feel me and my girlfriend are both ready to take this next step. So I proposed two weeks later. I did not include her or my own family during the proposal and I took her to a lovely spot and proposed. The day was special to us both and we both felt went great. That night when we went to give the news to her family we were both met with dismissive responses. The next day was worse. Come to find out her mom sat down with my now fiancée and explained I did not put any effort into including her family, I have not been present in their home and around them during the relationship, and they should have been included in the proposal.They have also continued to now insult my character, my fiancée’s decisions (what upsets me the most), and they are refusing to speak to me so I can explain or defend myself. I also found out that her whole family was free the Sunday and Monday of the proposal. Id love to hear any advice, questions, or ways you would go about fixing this. Things have always been strained between my fiancée and her mom, and I want my fiancée to be celebrated the way she deserves. For context, she lives with her family and I have shown her the text.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
HortenseDaigle said:
I mean fix what? Her mom is flat out lying. You can show her receipts of how much you communicated with them for the blessing and trying to coordinate a family-oriented proposal. How is your fiancee taking this? You’re NTA.
onemasterball said:
NTA. Your soon to be in laws are lying. How your fiancé handles this is going to be a defining moment for your marriage. If she doesn’t believe you 100%, you need to run because her mother will spend the rest of her life with you.
Independent_Peak8500 said:
NTA. My advice, think twice before marrying into this chaos. They don’t seem to be too fond of you even if they did give their blessing. If they didn’t and you proposed anyways they would have for sure looked like the aholes so they manipulated into thinking they were on board just to drop the hammer on you and become the victims themselves. Remember your not just marrying her, you’re marrying her family too.
Electronic-Fennel-37 said:
NTA Is your fiancee on your side? If not, do you have proof of the messages with her family saying to go ahead without her? Future MIL sounds like she is trying to flip the narrative.
DrukMeMa said:
NTA but your future MIL and maybe in-laws are manipulative liars. You need to get this sorted out with your fiancé now, not later. Don’t wait for the wedding, the house, the kids, etc.
ImaginaryAd5712 said:
OP I feel bad for you. Don’t know why they’re gaslighting you. They may not want to see your fiancé happy probably. Do you have the text chain?
BlueyIsAwesome said:
NTA. You don’t need to defend yourself. Show the receipts.
I (f) have 2 children. Daughter 16 & Son 10. My husband has 3 children, Daughter 16, Daughter 14, and son 10. The boys share a room, two stepdauggters share a room, and my daughter has her own room. For context, this is my home. My daughter’s room has been hers for when she was a little. The situation is, my stepdaughters fight a lot, like all the time and it’s exhausting. Their dad never really could do anything to fix it because he said he was never able to figure out what the problem was. But my older stepdaughter takes her sister’s stuff and ruins it and never return it. Their dad and I would try to pay for the stolen stuff but that doesn’t guarantee that they will not fight. My daughter had her own share of having her stuff taken from her stepsister in the past. I fixed it by getting her a lock to which my husband did not agree because his younger daughter wanted a lock also but that wouldn’t have worked since she shares the room with her sister. After a series of big fights between stepdaughters, my husband said the only solution was to get them away from each other by having older stepdaughter move into my daughter’s room. I said no for several reasons, one stepdaughter is basically a thief, she’ll start stealing from my daughter.
And two, this is my daughter’s room even if he argues that it isn’t fair that his daughters are stuck in one room while my daughter gets a room for herself. He begged and said he felt like the fighting was never gonna end and that this was the only solution. I suggested that he should mix the boys with the girls but he said hell no. boys never share with girls. period.
I said I wasn’t gonna allow what he suggested and we ended up fighting. He called me selfish and unsupportive because I said he needs to handle his own daughters. He said he’d go stay with a friend because he could no longer handle the fighting. He said he won’t come back until I agree to let his older daughter move in with my daughter. I lashed out at him and said no way.
He asked if this was a hill I’m willing to die on. I said yes which escalated the problem. Now he’s been away for 2 days and I’m left to watch my stepdaughters yell at each other. He’s using this as a way to hopefully get me to cave in and say yes. But I can’t imagine doing this to my daughter.
EDIT Someone asked about their mom and here’s my answer: She left 2 years ago with her foreign husband to his home country. She talks to the girls via social media and video calls but does not play a major role in their life. doesn’t seem to care as long as the girls are taken care of. She thinks this stuff (the fighting and stealing) is no big deal.
This is what people had to say to OP:
XxLuminairexX said:
No configuration of rooms will stop the thief from thieving. Gotta nip that issue in the bud. Where are the consequences for the thief rather than simply replacing the items she ruins? All she has learned is that she can take as she pleases.
Kiyaa_Baby said:
Wait, he’s literally holding himself hostage at a friend’s place until you agree? That’s some next level manipulation right there, not parenting.
runiechica said:
Umm he left his kids? He needs to pick up his kids and take them with him. NTA.
C-Sik said:
Wow. He left and left you to take care of his daughters. Time to load them up and drop them off. NTA. You need to put your kids well being over theirs. He needs to put his kids before yours. Sometimes that is the only solution. He doesn’t like it. Show him and the kids the door and wish them good luck.
Shadow11Wolf50 said:
Soft YTA for letting this go on this long. You did the right thing by giving your daughter a lock for her room, but there should have been consequences for stealing in the first place. Replacing the stuff the oldest stepdaughter stole and destroyed only showed her there wouldn’t be any repercussions for her actions. This should have been stopped a long time ago.
Unfortunately for you, you didn’t marry an adult man, you married a manchild whose solution is to just make his oldest’s behavior literally anyone else’s problem than his.
If you’re serious about this being the hill to die on then you need to be calling him to pick up his kids before you call CPS and/or their mother (if she’s even in the picture) about him abandoning his kids because he can’t be bothered to parent a problem he’s been enabling. Otherwise, you’re enabling his poor behavior as well.
OP responded:
Hi I saw your comment and I agree, hundred percent. However…. Both stepdaughters would act out if I try to get involved and “play mom” as they say. I stopped trying after my husband said the girls didn’t appreciate me “meddling in their life”.
